Tips For Getting Over The Bush Reelection

by Dan Kilian
1. Be white, straight and rich.
2. Adopt a state: Expatriate with others Democrats in mass to red states until the next election is over.
3. Have sex with your gay life partner. In public.
4. Turn up your arrogance when dealing with hicks from the sticks. When tourists ask for directions around your coastal city, say "Turn left at the 100,000 dead people in Iraq, and go directly to hell." If they claim to have voted for Kerry, tell them to go to hell anyway. America isn't about being fair anymore.
5. Slap an angry bumper sticker on the back of your car. Replace your rear window and taillights. Slap another angry bumper sticker over the defaced one.
6. Weep, for four straight years.
7. Handle your anger the way "people with values" do -- blame the gays then blow off some steam by going to Walmart or Red Lobster.
8. Pay a visit to your doctor. Spend $135.00 for the visit. Pay another $75–125 for three antibiotic pills. If you've got anything worse than Strep throat and you don't have healthcare, just lay down and die.
9. Write long ranting e-mails telling all your friends your personal plan to take back the Senate in '06. Don’t forget values.
10. Have an abortion. In public.
11. March, impotently, against a disinterested Washington, protesting the latest atrocity.
12. Speculate on all the Hillary/Edwards/Obama presidential ticket combinations, and imagine one of them defeating some probable McCain/Giuliani ticket. Good luck with that, by the way.
13. Speculate on all the Hillary/Edwards/Obama sexual combinations. If that doesn’t get you hot, imagine some sort of McCain/Giuliani/Jeb tryst. Again, good luck.
14. Inform Nader that RIGHT NOW would be a better time to motivate a 3rd party than September 2008.
15. Blame Jesus and/or Mel Gibson. Or, inversely, accept Jesus as your personal savior, buy 10 copies of the Passion, and give up your perverted behavior in favor of some good old fashioned dry humping.
16. Theorize about conspiracies. Conspire about theories.
17. Thank God that AT LEAST Ashcroft resigned.
18. Knock up a Bush twin.
19. Visit the bathroom at Applebee's and Cracker Barrel (Republican staples) and pee on the seat.
20. When talking to a Republican, pretend you're a robot and say over and over "must pay lower taxes, must pay lower taxes."
21. When the shit hits the fan, take pride in the fact that we can finally blame EVERYTHING on the Republicans.
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Comments
Love it! I must say that I am absolutely sickened by the radical right's co-opting of patriotism. From my recollections of American history, questioning "questionable" authority and safeguarding against tyranny were staples of patriotism. I am confused by those who display "Supprt Our Troops" decals alongside their pro-Bush stickers. Wouldn't the best way to support our troops be to bring them back home? How brazen for a man (who capitalized on his father's power to evade a tour in Vietnam) to so casually send thousands of young Americans into a warzone. All I can say is that he should demonstrate his commitment to seeing this conflict through by serving in the infantry, himself. Why haven't Jenna and Barbara joined the armed forces, yet? Ah, I believe they had various means of paying for their college tuition.
Posted by: Celtie | January 12, 2005 11:01 PM
THE RETURN OF SANCHEZ
Giddy Sanchez loves that his moniker, his nom de plume, has offended some Kerry voters who think anyone who disagrees with them (=doesnt live in "B'Burg") is prudish about sex. But sensitive Sanchez IS somewhat touched that the author (the architect?) finds his argument somewhat compelling, even if he thinks Sanchez is mean.
Cynical Sanchez honestly never expected there to be any actual thinking or debate on this page, and thus hadnt checked back in weeks. But wow! The Author actually acknowledges that "pro-lifers" feel that abortion is something like a holocaust!
That, Sanchez says, that kind of thinking will one day make the DNP great again. An openness to disagreement, a plurality of opinion. This issue IS really, really important to life-loving Sanchez (as is the war in Iraq, as is the conditions faces by immigrants). Sad faced Sanchez has felt so abandoned by the DNP for the last 10 or 15 years, as its silenced any talk of the horror of abortion.
Let's talk about it, Senator Sanchez pleads. Let's talk about how nobody wants scared pregnant teenage girls arrested, or doctors who are compassionate. BUT, But... many many of us also want to save the lives of the unborn, if it is at all possible. Could we be spending all the pro-choice pro-life money to somehow improve the lives of these young women? Could we better support the Catholic Church's Rachel ministry? Could we help address the causes of abortion and acknowledge that it is the direct ending of an innocent life?
Or maybe we cant. In that case, those conflicted catholics will keep voting Republican and Williamsburg -- home to the "Radicals" -- will keep feeling very, very sad.
Posted by: DirtySanchez | November 21, 2004 08:52 PM
Tooney, I cracked up at your comments... tough guy. The left can't even hack one "conservative" news channel. Again, the left is filled with pompous asses. I find it amazing that terms like "hayseed" or "nazi" or "Bible thumper" and "redneck," etc. are used to describe white Christians by mostly well... white libs ( or brainwashed morons)who would NEVER take such shots at ghetto blacks or puerto ricans or Jews. Let's face it. You lose on the culture issues.
I did not even vote for Bush ( or Kerry) and will not vote for a Democrat again until their culture war against religion, whites, Christians, ends. Howard Dean was the only guy with a CLUE on this issue. He spoke of how the white guys in the pick-up truck with the confederate flag must be gotten by Democrats. Of course, he was hooted down and like a typical Democrat he backed down. Meanwhile, the same folks who did not like what Dean said turn around and embrace fat Al Sharpton ( basically a black version of the KKK to most whites). Sorry, many people see through it and cannot endorse it. A shame too because Kerry was right in addressing jobs being shipped out and the deficit. However, the Dems. get creamed on cultural issues... again.
Posted by: Bob | November 17, 2004 08:50 PM
the reason the religious right has arrived in the position that they are in now is that they have been tirelessly organizing, with one-pointed focus, from the grassroots up, since 1980--not arguing with the folks who oppose them on email bulletin boards. i'm all for dialogue--in fact, i think we need it desperately--but i also think it's imperative that we on the left (the full spectrum, from the crusties to the DNC) get seriously disciplined and seriously organized, and focus more on what the common ground is and what we want to accomplish and achieve than on criticizing those who disagree with us and try to distract us. we on the left are really good at being critical and sprawlingly, creatively all-over-the-place. now's the time to pull it together. seriously. much better to spend the precious time we have pulling together and being disciplined and focused and working across differences and changing the culture and organizing than to spend that time getting into it with people who are just interested in being antagonistic.
ps. what are we going to do to get the message across that much of the left thinks mainstream hollywood is a bunch of crap too? i don't know one lefty who thinks that reality TV and other gross products of mainstream hollywood are anything besides culturally horrifying.
Posted by: jessica | November 16, 2004 05:46 PM
I love it. Europe loves it.
Keep up fighting the ignorance.
Thank you.
Posted by: sam | November 15, 2004 06:22 AM
question for the guy on the high horse that goes by the name of the act of inserting and removing a digit into and from the anus then ever so politely smearing about the upper lip of said owner of anus where do you live get back on your low poney
Posted by: things | November 14, 2004 07:52 PM
Silly Americans... Tricks are for Righties!!! Once more the mighty American people (or at least 51%) have had the proverbial wool pulled over their eyes... Rove has won another election for the Chimpmeister... How sad really. When given the chance to have a GREAT Prez you choose one that talks with God (WTF?) Good luck with that mess you all made...
Posted by: Shakeyhands | November 14, 2004 12:10 PM
"Tooney, the Left is not engaging in healthy reflection. They are blaming voting machines and the 'stupidity' of more than half of this counry's population for the election's turnout."
"Unfortunately the behavior of the Left is pushing me farther to the Right."
EM, sorry to read between the lines, but there's so much goddamned room. So if you weren't disgusted enough to start voting Republican because of all of the hippies and anarchists and such on the left (probably far less of them than when you used to vote Democrat, but, whatever, hey, look over there at that fat traitor Michael Moore and those big-mouthed Dixie Chick bitches!), what really did make you change your vote? The Clean Air Act? The deficit? All of the candy and flowers raining down upon our soldiers in Iraq?
Frenk, yes. Yes it is bad. Unfortunately because of people like EM and bob I know *pretend* to vote for a Democrat in the shower every morning just to piss them off.
Posted by: Tooney | November 14, 2004 09:24 AM
As an expat I can only ask: is it really so bad?
Posted by: Frenk | November 14, 2004 06:46 AM
In my previous post I was expressing my disillusionment with the Left. I never stated that my vote was swayed by what people think. Tooney, thinking of how you are going to crack wise on your response instead of reading what people actually wrote, that's just,well, typical. The Limbaughs of the world express their views on syndicated radio shows. They don't protest and crash the gates of the opposition's convention. This is one of many examples. Anyway, I've grown bored with this site and these discussions. Respond if you like, I won't read it.
Posted by: EM | November 14, 2004 03:32 AM
EM, very few Kerry voters are blaming voting machines. And if you base your vote on what other people think and not how you feel about the candidates, that's just, well, stupid. And, please, the argument about how nasty the left has become doesn't hold any water. The left was way too polite for too many years and let the Limbaughs of the world curve stomp us. Now that we're fighting back, all of a sudden we're "haters" or whatever.
Bob, I don't know what you posted or why it was deleted (if it was), but go try and post lefty comments on Free Republic, Little Green Footballs or Lucianne and see how long they (and your account) last. You're not the only one sick of double standards, tough guy.
Posted by: Tooney | November 13, 2004 10:39 PM
"...the behavior of the Left is pushing me farther to the Right."
And what is the behavior of the Right doing to you?
Posted by: coffeeguzzler | November 13, 2004 07:24 PM
Oh, yeah. You are a bunch of censors too. My previous post is suddenly gone. Hmmmmm..... Maybe because I did not bash white people, Christians, Republicans, Bush, straights,etc. Yet ANOTHER reason why people vote Republican. People are SICK of the double standard from brainwashed pompous asses. Censorship from the left is EXTREMELY prevalent. Thus, my vote and many others go to the right.
Posted by: bob | November 13, 2004 06:03 PM
Tooney, the Left is not engaging in healthy reflection. They are blaming voting machines and the "stupidity" of more than half of this counry's population for the election's turnout. I don't think that is going to inspire and mobilize voters in 4 years. I voted for Clinton and Gore. I am a college educated atheist. Unfortunately the behavior of the Left is pushing me farther to the Right.
Posted by: EM | November 13, 2004 01:56 PM
"you go boys, you all look wackier each day, not only do you blame everyone and everything but yourselves, you are starting to cannibalize your own party....."
From where I'm sitting you guys seem to be the ones spiralling outta control. Don't believe me?Ask Arlen Specter's fax machine...
The Dems might be doing a little whining and reflecting, but they're more solidified than they've been in years. The Repubs, however, are in danger of splitting right down the middle. The bible-thumpers are all ready going after Rudy G. and Dick Cheney (for acknowledging that he's got a lesbian daughter). Who's next? Arnold, McCain, Ken Mehlman? Where did I put the popcorn?
Posted by: Tooney | November 13, 2004 11:25 AM
I feel icky being lectured about morality issues by someone who uses the name "DirtySanchez."
Posted by: Tooney | November 13, 2004 11:18 AM
Right-wing religious morons. Snobby Hollywood elitists.
Repeat and rinse. Thoroughly.
Posted by: Tooney | November 13, 2004 11:15 AM
"Williamsburg is the center for Radical Culture..." Are you kidding me!?
Answer this: What is so radical about voting for John Kerry?
If this is considered "radical" in the United States of America in the 21st century, then we ARE in big trouble!
Sorry, but I disagree...there is absolutely NOTHING radical at all about Williamsburg.
Posted by: Julian | November 13, 2004 07:36 AM
"Be white, straight and rich". Funny considering the majority of Kerry votes came from the richest counties in the country. There are nothing but uneducated, poor, jesus-loving hayseeds in those red states. Oh yeah, don't forget those wetbacks and cubans that came out for Bush. It really is a shame that the rest of the country is not as elightened as you good tolerant Williamsburg folk.
Posted by: EM | November 13, 2004 02:31 AM
LOL, more meltdown........
you go boys, you all look wackier each day, not only do you blame everyone and everything but yourselves, you are starting to cannibalize your own party.....
I gotta admit, you are the Hollywood party for a reason... lots of drama... and lots of self importance...
Posted by: Anonymous | November 12, 2004 10:20 PM
John Stuart Mill said it best:
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people... it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
The Republicans, once again, displayed their willingness to do absolutely anything to gain power, and the spin machine was going full throttle. Just look at Tom DeLay, Dick Cheney, Geo. Bush, and their surrogates. Combine this with the disinformation coming from Faux, I mean, Fox News, Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh, who walk in lockstep with the Republicans, and people were just bombarded with lies and distortions. I concede that many people felt that Bush was the better candidate, but I think that many of them were lied to about the situation and the issues.
Here in Texas, the 2004 Republican platform calls for the immediate withdrawal from the United Nations, and for its eviction from the US. It calls for the repeal of the Endangered Species act, and the abolishment of the Environmental Protection Agency, the Dept. of Education, and the Department of Labor, as well as the National Endowment for the Arts, and the Public Broadcasting System ( I guess that their broadcasting needs are convered by Fox). They also call for the repeal of the Minimum Wage Law, and legalization of discrimination against homosexuals. The party rejects "the establishment of any mechanism to process, license, record, register or monitor the ownership of guns." In their world, you should be able to walk into a 7/11 and buy a gun from a guy making $1.20/hour, who can then be fired (without the specter of a lawsuit) for being gay.
The party also pledges to "dispel the myth of the separation of Church and State."
Get reeady, guys.... This is the state of Cheney (oh, wait, he's from Wyoming again, right?), Bush and DeLay.
Posted by: coffeeguzzler | November 12, 2004 05:09 PM
Ted Wrote: Also, um, Williamsburg is the center of radical culture in New York. If you've ever been there, you'd figure that out. The East Village is no more; artists can't afford it.
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Oh, like they CAN afford Wburg?? You're living in the past, Teddy boy. The only "artists" who can afford Wburg these days are well-paid art directors at ad agencies and the like, not to mention a million white collar robots moving there to give themselves a veneer of hipness. Get over it, move on.
Posted by: David V. | November 12, 2004 04:54 PM
well put Jack.
Posted by: 8ty | November 12, 2004 04:53 PM
Yes, My filthy mustachioed friend, Ted is correct. It wasn't abortion, it was Fear. The war in Iraq, Afghanistan, and agin the "Terrists". The right wing dominated corporate media gleefully regurgitated everything Karl Rove fed them about Bush being The Annointed One To Deliver Us From Terrists And Evil Dewars, and fellow skull and bones member Kerry (who I'm not entirely unsure wasn't selected by the corporate media to BE the fall guy)played right into it by "reporting for duty" and all that crap. We are in Iraq to gain control of the world's 2nd largest oil reserves. Period. Anyone who tells you differently is conveniently drawing your attention away from where the money is going. History will look back on the 2nd term of the Bush administration as one of the most effective public relations snow jobs ever. College courses will be taught on how public opinion, especially that of the fearful not-so-bright, was manipulated.
Posted by: Jack MaHoggov | November 12, 2004 04:36 PM
Also, um, Williamsburg is the center of radical culture in New York. If you've ever been there, you'd figure that out. The East Village is no more; artists can't afford it. Referring to trucker hats as "lame" is about as lame as wearing one. Why don't you actually come up with a reason--like, say, they mock low-wage clothing and thus mock the poor. That's not much of an argument, but at least it is one.
Posted by: ted | November 12, 2004 02:35 PM
The issue wasn't abortion, Mr. Sanchez. The issue is ignorance. The people who voted for Bush are willfully ignorant of the president's lies and incompetance. If people really voted on the issue of abortion, Clinton would never have been elected twice, Gore wouldn't have had 1 million more votes, and--duh--abortion would be illegal. The problem with your silly argument is that the majority of the country is actually pro-choice. And we crazy leftied will make fun of and heap scorn on pro-lifers until the pro-lifers stop their hypocracy and start supporting free birth control and universal sexual education, stop supporting racist wars and homicidal health care policies.
Posted by: ted | November 12, 2004 02:30 PM
Regarding a McCain ticket, do you mean the Crazy-Manchurian-Ex-POW with the black baby?
Posted by: Calvin | November 12, 2004 01:09 PM
I think Dirty Sanchez is unpleasantly on to something. Everyone I talked to from the other side went straight to the issue of abortion. It troubles me that a large part of the population feels that a holocaust is going on, but the best we can say is we're pro-choice. There are ways to minimize this troubling operation, the most frequently performed operation in the U.S., I've heard (true?): adoption reform, pregnancy camps, abstinence and birth control programs-but I don't see locking up doctors or women as the answer. This country is about freedom, however troubling some choices may be to certain religious groups.
I've actually revised the abortion section of my piece, twice, a nice and a nasty version. I went with the nice on my personal version. These revisions didn't make freewilliamsburg, so here is a bonus.
Nice: Have an abortion. In public. Even if you're not pregnant. Even if you're not a woman. (Yes, my Republican friends, I know there's nothing funny about abortion. It's just words. Calm down. I'm trying to piss you off. We're going to be finding new ways to piss you off for the next four years.)
Nasty: *To my Republican friends. That was meant to piss you off. Successful? Good. It's digital words on a computer screen, not an actual abortion. The fact that you have no sense of humor about it shows how over the edge you've gotten. You've got to stop loving the potential for life more than actual living people. 100,000 Iraqis are life, too. Go to hell.**
**That's the new catchphrase of us, the angry minority. One of the best tips for getting over the Bush Reelection will be telling you to go to hell. Get used to it. See, we've discovered religion!
Like I said, I went with the nice (A policy I recommend for DirtySanchez), and FW went with the original.
Finally, can we stop putting people down geographically? The people of Williamsburg (and Massachusetts, San Francisco, New York, Vermont and Texas) are lovely, and no one is cool.
Posted by: The Author | November 12, 2004 11:44 AM
But instead we have the same administration and more pissing from the left, who imagine they stand up for all the 'unwanted' except the unborn.
Anyone else find it hilarious that this was posted by someone using the name "Dirty Sanchez"? If not, please line up for ass fuckings to the right. I take first dibs on the smearings. Alleged born agains first.
Posted by: Hypocrite Harry | November 12, 2004 12:11 AM
Pretty fucking funny. What's apathetic about this piece, Cletus?
Posted by: jki | November 11, 2004 09:32 PM
glad to hear that apathy is totally cool again! you fucking morons.
Posted by: cletus | November 11, 2004 05:58 PM
It doesnt matter if all republicans believe what I wrote, AN. It only matters if 2-3% believe it. Because if the far left WOULD have allowed some semblence of plurality on the issue of abortion amongst Dems, than those 2-3% of Bush voters could have voted for Kerry as the lesser of two evils. That's all you needed... two or three percent. You know how many conflicted Catholics there are out there, AN? Hella lot more than 2 or 3 percent.
You coulda had 'em, and we coulda had a new president.
But instead we have the same administration and more pissing from the left, who imagine they stand up for all the 'unwanted' except the unborn.
Posted by: DirtySanchez | November 11, 2004 05:20 PM
"You lost precisely because youved blinded yourself on the issue of abortion."
I really hope all Republicans believe that. Please, please believe that.
Posted by: AN | November 11, 2004 04:46 PM
I'M GOING BACK TO OHIO. COWS DON'T VOTE. CORN DOESN'T VOTE. WHEAT DOESN'T VOTE. WHA HAPPENED?
Posted by: VON DEM BACH | November 11, 2004 04:43 PM
I'M GOING BACK TO OHIO
Posted by: VON DEM BACH | November 11, 2004 04:40 PM
America isn't about being fair any more.
Link me.
Posted by: you funny | November 11, 2004 04:11 PM
Love it!
Posted by: Jenni | November 11, 2004 04:04 PM
Dan, a good salt-water anal cleansing will work wonders. Every Democrat should get one, in order to avoid permanent PMS.
Posted by: clyde | November 11, 2004 03:40 PM
1. Williamsburg sucks. It's not the "next" East Village. It's not even the "next" Silver Lake.
2. You lost precisely because youved blinded yourself on the issue of abortion. Don't change your mind; I dont care. We don't need you to agree anyway. But just so you know, that one issue is why you lost.
3. Hollywood movies suck. And Hollywood is your best friend. Anorexia among teenage girls? Hollywood. Self-loathing among non-whites? Hollywood. Crazed status-envy and consumerism? Hollywood. Lame, dispassionate sex? Hollywood. Unthinkable accumulation of capital amongst an elite, while hiring latino servants at pathetic wages? Hollywood. Your best friend, kid.
4. Trucker hats are still worn in Williamsburg, all the time. Even rednecks know that is lame.
5. The war in Iraq *was* wrong, immoral, an outrage. Bush *should* have lost because of it. But thanks to you, and your blindness to the reality of abortion and utter arrogance, voters were left with the lesser of two evils: Bush.
6. So you, Williamsburg, are to blame.
7. You suck.
Posted by: DirtySanchez | November 11, 2004 03:19 PM
Good for you, I feel sympathy for the 49% Americans held hostage by the Redstaters. Since 2/11 I'm damn glad to be a Canadian.
Posted by: Alan Lord | November 11, 2004 03:12 PM
21. Design a cafepress.com t-shirt that says "US out of [blue state hipseter ghetto]". Sell it for a profit.
Posted by: ted | November 11, 2004 03:11 PM
You poor fool.
Posted by: Anonymous | November 11, 2004 09:09 AM
radical.
Posted by: collin | November 10, 2004 04:41 PM
H. is not going to like this one little bit. You'd better throw up a review of the new bistro on 5th street stat.
Posted by: Tooney | November 10, 2004 08:39 AM