A GOOD WOMAN

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Scarlett Johansson and Helen Hunt in a period piece catfight.

WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is mixed to bad, with audiences liking it better than critics. That's too bad, since Wilde adaptations usually produce good films. Also, in their heyday, either Hunt or Johansson could have carried a film like this on their own.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
If I were Lions Gate, I'd move to the following weekend, which is even less crowded indie-wise, to take full advantage of their star power. $2mil.

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SUITS ON THE LOOSE

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Remember “Nuns on the Run”? Okay, replace the nuns with Mormon missionaries. Get it?

WILL IT SUCK?
It's a pretty take-it-or-leave-it premise. The trailer isn't horrible, and neither is the early buzz. Neither are all that great. I think "meh" would be an achievement for this film.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
I don't think anyone knows about this and I don't think anyone's going to find out. It's kind of like a murder in the desert. $750,000.

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TAMARA

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
What if “Carrie” were really fucking hot?

WILL IT SUCK?
They have the opening clip up at IGN. It looks awesomely bad. When this comes out on DVD, have your friends over.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
If they could ride that whole "awesomely bad" wave they could probably suffer a wide release. As it is, I don't think a limited release is going to engender much goodwill. $1mil.

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WHAT THE BLEEP!? - DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

WHAT'S THE BLEEPIN' PITCH?
Remember “What the #$*! Do We (K)now!?”, the wacky indie sensation from the good folks at The Ramtha School of Enlightenment? Think of this as a Director's Cut.

WILL IT BLEEPIN' SUCK, YOU MUTHABLEEPER?
Well, the first one didn't exactly get great reviews, so I'm thinking adding an hour and a half of same won't help.

HOW BLEEPIN' BLEEP #$*! BLEEPITY SHITFUCKER!!!
The first one made almost $11mil. I don't think lightning will strike twice, even with all-new crappy animation. $6mil.

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FEBRUARY 10
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FIREWALL

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Harrison Ford must break into his own bank's security system when his family is taken hostage.

WILL IT SUCK?
Oh, yes. Think “24” with a bigger budget and smaller brain.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
It's a crowded weekend, and while there are no suspense thrillers per se, there's horror (“Final Destination 3”), comedy (“Pink Panther”), and family (“Curious George”), all of which tend to do better than suspense thrillers. $31mil.

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FINAL DESTINATION 3

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Death is on the move. This time it stalks the survivors of a roller coaster accident.

WILL IT SUCK?
If you liked the first two, you'll probably like this one. They've brought back the original writing/directing team behind the original, Glen Morgan and James Wong, who were so sublime on “The X-Files” and so not once they hit the big screen.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Believe it or not, this franchise has been seeing diminishing returns domestic. Don't expect that to change anytime soon. $41mil.

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THE PINK PANTHER

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
It hurts. Steve Martin takes over for Peter Sellers in this remake. That should be encouraging, but it's really not.

WILL IT SUCK?
There's going to be a post-mortem on this someday and it's going to be fascinating. First off, we've got Shawn Levy, he of “Cheaper by the Dozen “and “Just Married” at the helm. That sets us up for a certain kind of movie. Namely, sucky. However, our writing staff consists of Steve Martin, who knows from funny, and Len Blum, who penned two of the quintessential Bill Murray comedies of the 80's, “Meatballs” and “Stripes”.

How can these writers produce something that, from the looks of the trailer, will be impossible to sit through? Not to mention the fact that it was delayed from August, already a dumping ground, to February, August's ugly stepsister.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Having seen how well crap like “Big Momma's House 2” can do, it's hard for me to completely dismiss this. $79mil.

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CURIOUS GEORGE

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
George is a chimp. He is curious. It's not “Chinatown,” people.

WILL IT SUCK?
Oh, most assuredly. I count 11 writers, not all of them credited, mind you. Brian Grazer, wonderful when bringing us adult entertainments like “Friday Night Lights,” sucks balls when bringing us children's entertainment like “The Grinch” and “The Cat in the Hat.”

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
No children's competition around for miles. $63mil.

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NEIL YOUNG: HEART OF GOLD

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Neil Young concert movie.

WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is good, and why not? It's Neil Young. And he's doing stuff. Emmylou Harris is up in there, too. Jonathan Demme, no stranger to the concert film (“Stop Making Sense”), directs.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Some people would say Neil isn't worth two documentaries (Jarmusch did “Year of the Horse” back in '97), but that's not who this is targeting. $250,000.

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LONDON

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Jason Statham (sporting a shitty hairdo) does the romantic dramedy thing.

WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is mixed. And I should clarify the plot. It's really Chris Evans doing the romantic dramedy thing. Statham is just his wacky friend. The film also features Dane Cook playing a character called "Cockblocker," so I'm all in. As for the rest of you, I'd wait for more buzz.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
This is a bit of a wild card, but I don't see it going further than cult hit at best. $7mil.

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THROUGH THE FIRE

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
“Hoop Dreams” a la ESPN.

WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz isn't so good, but there's not much to go on. If you like the drama of high school-cum-NBA basketball and think an appearance by LeBron James might make the film, check it out.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
This is ESPN movies first theatrical release, so I'm guessing the people who watch that station are gonna know about it. That's not a small amount. $8mil.

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FEBRUARY 17
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FREEDOMLAND

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Ah, Julianne Moore and her missing children. This one gets abducted during a carjacking. Or was he?

WILL IT SUCK?
Sorry if I find it difficult to discuss any film starring Sam Jackson that does not involve SNAKES! On a PLANE!!! Motherfucking SNAKES on a motherfucking PLANE!!! Sam Jackson plays the detective investigating the case of the missing child who may or may not have been taken when Moore was or was not carjacked by a black man. Racial tensions ensue.

So who do you call when you want to document this with an artistic mix of socio-political insight and sensitivity. Norman Jewison? Spike Lee? Matthieu Kassowitz? No, wait, I've got it! The guy who directed “Christmas with the Kranks!” Yeah, let's get that guy!

So, Joe Roth, head of Revolution Studios who, of course, are ramping this one up to suck, is at the helm to add that special Revolution taint to the proceedings. The trailer, I will admit, actually looks pretty good, and I credit all of that to Richard Price, who adapted his own novel. If there's anything good here, it's probably coming from him, cos' God knows Roth can suck the life out of any actor he puts on the screen (“America's Sweethearts”).

My only hope comes from the fact that Revolution has been shuttered. But there are still, like, 7 more movies under their current contract with Sony. Strangely, “Snakes on a Plane” is not one of them.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
It's hard to say how these controversial films will do, especially if they're not all that controversial. $26mil.

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EIGHT BELOW

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
“Not Without My Sled Dogs!”

WILL IT SUCK?
Sorry, I'm just distracted by the trailer which shows one of the stranded sled dogs snatching a bird right out of the air! That's right. The bird's all like "You're not gonna get me. I can fly!" And the dog's all like "Let's hear you say that from inside my mouth, bitch!" That scene alone (and the one where they fight the seal) is gonna make this worth it. I can tell.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Paul Walker (Did I mention he was in this? Sorry, unless you can snatch a bird out of the air in mid-flight with your teeth, you're gonna get overlooked here.) will be competing with himself when “Running Scared” comes out the following week, and after “Into the Blue” even showing him topless can't gaurantee an opening. What do you think happens when you put him in a parka? $19mil.

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DATE MOVIE

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Okay, remember “Scary Movie?” Do the math.

WILL IT SUCK?
As the trailer points out in its sole clever moment, this is from two of the six writers on “Scary Movie.” What else have they done? How about “Spy Hard?”

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
I hate to admit it, but even when they totally suck, those “Scary Movies” bring in the green. $72mil.

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NIGHT WATCH

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Sort of a Russian “Highlander.”

WILL IT SUCK?
Early reviews are a bit mixed, and so is the trailer. Part of it looks cool as shit, the other, cheesy as hell. If pulled off right, could be the next “Matrix.” If not, could be the next “Underworld.”

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
If the reviews hold up, could be the next “28 Days Later.” Either way, it's already made its money back by being the highest grossing film in Russian history, beating out the likes of “Spider-Man 2” and “Lord of the Rings.” The other two installments are a given, as the trailer points out. $18mil.

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WINTER PASSING

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Coming home story where Zooey Deschanel tries to get her dad (Ed Harris) to cough up some love letters he wrote so she can get them published (cos he's a famous recluse author or something).

WILL IT SUCK?
Early reviews are mixed but hey, look, it's Will Ferrell! And he's in an indie! And Ed Harris looks like Edgar Winter. Other than that, nothing much here stands out, besides the fact that Zooey Deschanel rocks on principle.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Certainly has the best cast of any indie opening this week, but word of mouth is slim. “Tsotsi” offers slightly better buzz the following week. $1mil.

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THE SECOND CHANCE

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
"Well we're movin' on down..." Pastor at fancy white church gets demoted to poor black church.

WILL IT SUCK?
Sony is releasing this under its new Christian-themed film label, Triumph (named not, I think, after the insult comic dog, but that would be pretty funny). Going on the basis of the history of low-budget Christian-themed films (“The Omega Code,” anyone?) it's not usually a rich pot (and I say that as a Christian). Still, all the players here are x-factors, so you never know.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
If they market this with an eye towards advance sales in churches à la “End of the Spear,” they might do well. $10mil.

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BATTLE IN HEAVEN

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
There's some convoluted plot in here about a kidnapping gone wrong, but all anyone seems to be able to talk about is the graphic sex.

WILL IT SUCK?
Early reviews, not so good. But hey, graphic sex!

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Graphic sex, as it turns out, is available for free on the interwebs. $100,000.

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FEBRUARY 24
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MADEA'S FAMILY REUNION

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Sequel to the breakout hit “Diary of a Mad Black Woman.”

WILL IT SUCK?
Tyler Perry slides into the director's chair on this one. Will that be enough to save it from the doldrums of the previous installment's reviews? Probably not, but on the surface it looks like this will be more accessible and better acted. The success of the original seems to have bought the sequel some star power - Maya Angelou, Blair Underwood, Cicely Tyson (I said "some"). Madea still creeps me out, though.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
The following week, “Dave Chappelle's Block Party” will be the "urban" hit. But this week, it's all about Madea. $56mil.

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ULTRAVIOLET

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Futuristic dystopia with butt-kicking action - does the plot actually matter?

WILL IT SUCK?
Four years ago, a guy named Kurt Wimmer wrote and directed a movie called “Equilibrium.” It bombed and didn't score too hot with critics, either. However, over time, more people saw it, loved it, and recommended it. Eventually I saw it, too, and you know what? They're right. Now, in the same sci-fi action genre (looks like it takes place in the same future, just with color) Wimmer's back. So yeah, I'm psyched. Doesn't hurt to have Nick Chilund on board as the heavy, and the return of William Fichtner (he was in “Equilibrium”) as...who cares, he's in it.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Though the Wimmer faithful will be lining up, most folks'll write this off as an “Aeon Flux” knock-off, especially with Milla Jovovich playing an ass-kicking genetically enhanced mutant for the 17th time. Still, this will do far better than “Equilibrium.” $51mil.

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RUNNING SCARED

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Paul Walker plays a mobster (hee) who has to track down a hot gun.

WILL IT SUCK?
Did you read the part where Paul Walker is a mobster? Actually, this is from the guy behind “The Cooler,” and as such has fairly good advance buzz. Still, when I think of “Running Scared”, I think of the awesome 1986 comedy with Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines, and nothing is going to replace that.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Never mind the fact that Paul Walker from “Eight Below” is competing with this Paul Walker this week, you have “Pulse” and Dave Chappelle knocking this out of the water the following week. $9mil.

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DOOGAL

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
A little “Ice Age,” a little Season Four of “Smallville” (a hunt for magic stones), and a whole lot of cheap-ass computer animation.

WILL IT SUCK?
Early reviews are mixed, but European. That is to say that this was a cult British TV hit in the 60's, so without that context, it's hard to say what American audiences will think. Now, I will say it's kind of neat that Tom Baker (the Fourth Doctor, yo!) is the voice of the villain and that Jon Stewart and Kevin Smith are apparently lending their talents as well. But that's not enough to get me in the theater. Dude, “Valiant” had Ricky fucking Gervais and it still sucked.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
A little early to say if “Aquamarine” will be a challenge the following week as it will likely skew older. And I've learned not to underestimate the power of The Weinstein Co. when it comes to kiddie fare. “Hoodwinked,” depending upon who's numbers you trust, opened better than “Glory Road.” $51mil.

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TSOTSI

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
South Africa, home of gangbangers.

WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is very strong, though some audiences don't seem as impressed. Audiences in Toronto, however, gave it their highest honor - the People's Choice Award at the Toronto Film Festival (over some stiff competition). Also got an Oscar nod for Best Foreign Flick.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
This will be the first test of the "new" Miramax, sans Weinsteins. My guess is they'll do pretty well. And films that win at Toronto tend to have better half-lives than films that win at another presitgious, snowy fest. $3mil.

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UNKNOWN WHITE MALE

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Doc about a guy with retrograde amnesia.

WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is pretty good, as is befitting a film that got a Grand Jury nod at last year's Sundance. Fascinating topic.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Can Court TV take on the new Miramax? $500,000.

Next month: Two of the best films I saw at Toronto are coming out; plus "V for Very Good Advance Buzz" and (finally!) "A Scanner Darkly." I guess what I'm saying is, March will be much better, folks, don’t give up on movies just yet.

-- Dave Thomas