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May 18, 2010

He-Man Asks 'What's Going On'

May 07, 2010

Visors: The New Hotness & Introducing #visorfeed

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I think visors are on the cusp of becoming the new hot shit. Therefore, I will spend the next two hours highlighting examples of cool vizors (visor fans: it's OK to switch out the "z" with the "s") on my twitter account. Think you've got a good "visor eye"? Join in w/ hashtag #visorfeed. The future is here. Am I serious? I don't know. Not even I can tell if I'm joking or not anymore... Anyways, Friday right?!

April 29, 2010

Messed Connections: Girl puking at Legion on Saturday

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You: Puking all over the bar at Legion, the "strands of puke-saliva" dripping softly from your pouty lips into your hand.

He: 25-year-old patron of Legion on Saturday night who has slipped in your grimy vomit and fallen deep in love. He would like to get a drink sometime, and maybe blow chunks of sweet nothings into your ears.

Realy hope this one works out! Nothing like young love in the spring time.

April 07, 2010

WinterBand's Greatest Hits

winterBand.jpgThe Awl just posted a new piece by yours truly about WinterBand--aka the most important band of our time:

Just when I’d “discovered the magic” of Celtic Thunder and become certain that nothing could more effortlessly succeed at making my ears bleed, a friend sent me a link to North Carolina’s WinterBand--the most disturbing Christian rock band since, well, since ever. If you’re a geriatric, hobo-wizard, Jesus freak with a dirty mop-head hanging from your chin, it’s probably not the best idea to be too critical of others. But that doesn’t stop WinterBand’s namesake, Steve Winter, from attacking Catholics, Muslims, democrats, women and countless others for the intolerable sin of being outside his confusing comfort zone.
Check out this important band's music over at The Awl.

April 01, 2010

Who is the Williamsburg Wrestler?

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A poster on Craigslist is seeking woman to wrestle, no not sex, but just good ol' "you beating/dominating me." He's willing to pay $100 for a good ol' beat down. Body slam! Somebody send him a photo, at which point he will send you his, and we can once and for all figure out who is wrestling our women.

His post:

Seeking woman to wrestle with. No sex just wrestling "you beating/dominating me" will compensate you one hundred dollars cash for an hour of wrestling. Send your photo and I will send you mine.

March 25, 2010

Hippie On Grandmas Wall - Live At the Vatican?? by WinterBand

The scary thing is I think these guys are for real:

And then there's this. We *love* that these asshats are dressed like a hobo wizards but don't recognize the irony of lashing out at Obama for being outside their comfort zone.

February 11, 2010

From Our Inbox, To Your Face

As FREEwilly's music editor, I get a lot of weird shit sent to my inbox. This arrived late last night with nothing but a YouTube link in the body of the email. When I found myself singing "Onion... is the Underdog" in my head while brushing my teeth this morning, I figured I should share:

January 26, 2010

The End Is Nigh.... The Insane Clown Posse Movie

Evidently this hideous thing, known as 'Big Money Rustlas', has already premiered in Detroit (where else?). Dammit, we missed it:

"Big Money Rustlas," shot in California in 2009 on a $1.5 million budget, is a comedic western that finds the Insane Clowns running amok in the Old West. It is the follow-up to their'70s/exploitation send-up "Big Money Hustlas," which was released in 2000 and sold more than 100,000 copies.

As a line of fans wrapped down Elizabeth Street, past Park Avenue and almost down to Clifford Street, ICP's Psychopathic Records labelmates -- most of whom had roles in the film -- pulled up to the front of the building in limousines. Reflecting on the excitement in the air, Twiztid's Paul Methric remarked, "this makes me want to move to Hollywood."

Last to arrive was the Insane Clown Posse themselves, with Violent J (real name: Joe Bruce) in a blue sport coat and blue jeans and Shaggy 2 Dope (real name: Joe Utsler)in a black and white fur coat, accessorized with a bling-studded walking cane.

Outside, chants of "family! family" -- a popular Juggalo rallying cry -- turned to "let us in! let us in!" as fans were forced to wait several hours in the bitter cold before being let indoors. Once inside, the mood was more like a concert than a film screening, as the crowd of around 2,000 cheered and whooped throughout the movie, which was introduced live by J,Shaggy and the rest of the Psychopathic roster.

Since the band has a big rivalry with Slipknot--whose fans are called Maggots--we can only imagine there will be a Slipknot film next. The horror. [via]

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Juggalos at the premiere of Big Money Rustlas

January 14, 2010

Tell Time Warner Cable To Remove Pat Robertson From Your Cable Package

If you're a Time Warner Cable subscriber in New York, we encourage you to copy & paste this email and send it to their Office of the President:


Subject: Remove CBN From My Cable Package: Hate Speech on 700 Club
To: twc.cotp@twcable.com
cc: Julius.Genachowski@fcc.gov, Michael.Copps@fcc.gov, Robert.McDowell@fcc.gov, Mignon.Clyburn@fcc.gov, Meredith.Baker@fcc.gov

On Wednesday, January 13, 2010, the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) aired an episode of Pat Robertson's 700 Club that I found deeply offensive. In the wake of potentially hundreds of thousands of deaths in Haiti -- the most devastating natural catastrophe since the 2004 tsunami -- Pat Robertson asserted that the citizens of this impoverished country were being punished by God for making "a pact to the devil." Here is the entire quote:

"[S]omething happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French, you know, Napoleon the Third and whatever, and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, 'We will serve you if you'll get us free from the French.' True story. And so the devil said, 'O.K., it's a deal.'"

To any sensible person, this amounts to hate speech.

The 700 Club has aired similar assertions in the past, most notably following 9-11 when Jerry Falwell asserted that al-Qaeda's slaughtering of innocent Americans was God's wrath:

"The abortionists have got to bear some burden for [9-11] because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

As a Time Warner Cable subscriber, I am writing to request that the CBN be unbundled from my cable package until they agree to stop airing the 700 Club.

I am a firm defender of the First Amendment and free speech, but as a customer of Time Warner Cable I should not have to pay for what I believe constitutes hate speech.

If my request is not addressed, I will have to consider terminating my service.

Sincerely,

INSERT NAME

-------------------

And in case you missed it, here's the video:

January 11, 2010

Creepy Plushy Reunites With His Pervy Match, Moan Of Arc

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Bailey Nolan aka Moan of Arc and Nate Hill aka Death Bear

Last weekend, Death Bear, who in a former incarnation was a pervy dolphin plushy who gave free lap dances and in real life is known as Nate Hill, the leader of the performance art group Club Animals, reunited with his obvious soul mate Bailey Nolan aka Moan of Arc — she's got her own performance art group too called BabySkinGlove. I know, it's all very confusing, annoying and pervy. The two used to date and Moan of Arc, apparently out of revenge, decided to stage a reunion of sorts: [via youngmanhattanite]

Near the end of a day visiting ten or so homes as the character I created Death Bear, (dressed in a black jumpsuit, black boots, a heavy, scary black bear mask, and carting off the objects that bring people pain), I was ambushed by one of my ex-girlfriends, Bailey Nolan aka Moan of Arc along with the performance art group she leads BabySkinGlove. That night, in the apartment, they did a performance intended only for Death Bear, and Bailey gave me a box containing the following (among other items):...

1. One of my tied off used condoms (with dried sperm crystals)
2. A swatch of her bloody bed sheet (blood from my testicles from an accidental, unfortunate hair clippers incident -- the band-aid came off during sex)
3. A colored paper heart with one side glued her pubic (?) hair and the opposite side small bits of weed and perhaps specks of feces (?)
4. The complete collection of our text messages transcribed into eight pages or so
5. A Trey Songz CD
6. A figurine of two elephants in love
7. Letter to the “Mother of My Death Bear”
8. A diary style drawing
9. Our married names written in different permutations

I am responding to this incident as Nate and not as the character Death Bear:

A little back story…I dated Bailey for about a month. My memory is terrible but I think it was about a month. I had to end it because I started to get feelings for her, and I knew that I should be with another girl that I’ve been dating off and on for seven years.... So that night, Bailey lured me (as Death Bear) to her friend’s apartment whose address I did not recognize.

Young Manhattanite has the full story, via Nate, of what went down. Here's hoping these two realize they're meant for each other.

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A swatch of Moan's bloody bed sheet

January 03, 2010

Is That Brit Hume or Pat Robertson

I don't know what's worse, the proselytizing or his swipe at Buddhism. [via]

November 18, 2009

Creepy, Pervy Plushies Introduce New Character: Death Bear

Death-Bear-alone-in-doorway.jpg The plushie spokesperson warns us that some may see Death Bear and feel "intimidated by his stature," but we still find the pervy fish WAY more creepy. From our mailbag:

We all have someone or something we would rather just forget. Things fall apart. Love hurts. Dreams die. But when you summon Death Bear to your door, you can rest assured that help has come. At first you may be intimidated by his stature and color (7 feet tall with a hard, black bear head, black jumpsuit, and black boots), but absorbing the memories of others is a dark art, and Death Bear must present himself appropriately for this solemn duty. Death Bear will take things from you that trigger painful memories and stow them away in his cave where they will remain forever allowing you to move on with your life. Give him an ex's clothes, old photos, mementos, letters, etc. Death Bear is
here to assist you in your time of tragedy, heartbreak, and loss. Let Death Bear help you, and absorb your pain into his cave.

*Death Bear is a member of Club Animals, a pop-performance art group in New York City founded in 2008. We are best known for the Free Bouncy Rides, Candy Crack Delivery Service, and Bunny Butterfly Kisses.

Saturday, November 21st, 2009
and Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
Serving all Brooklyn only
Text 347-742-2293 for an appointment
Free
http://clubanimalsnyc.blogspot.com


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October 28, 2009

Creepy, Lap-Bouncey, Pervy Plushy Now Has A Sidekick

Blizzard-the-Bunny.jpgIf you read this site, you remember this guy. Now, he's got a sidekick, Blizzard the Bunny, who gives butterfly kisses instead of lap dances. From our mailbag

Club Animals will be debuting a new animal character and performance tonight
on the Union Square L subway platform from 9p-10p.

Meet Blizzard the Bunny. She gives Bunny Butterfly Kisses.

More info and pictures here:
http://clubanimalsnyc.blogspot.com/2009/10/butterfly.html

*Details:*
Wednesday, October 28th
On the Union Square L subway Platform
Free Bouncy Rides from 8p-9p
Bunny Butterfly Kisses from 9p-10p

I'll keep you posted on her progress and other characters that will be coming soon from Club Animals.

No word if she gives lap dances or delivers crack.

October 22, 2009

Shrek the Musical is Closing

And now we can all feel a little less embarrassed to be living in America:

via

September 18, 2009

A Highbrow Ode To Ernie Anastos And F*cking Chickens

We apologize in advance for posting this, because it is the dumbest shit we have ever seen, and therefore hysterical.

September 17, 2009

The Times On Anastos Gaffe

We love how dumb, PG-13 stuff like this turns the Times into a blushing, incoherent, stammering, Midwestern housewife who spells hell with double hockey sticks:

Whatever Ernie Anastos, the longtime New York television news anchor, was trying to say, it did not come out right on Wednesday night. His inadvertent use of what could literally be called a barnyard epithet made him an unintended star on the Internet all day Thursday.

In the course of one of those familiar jocular exchanges, Mr. Anastos, the co-anchor on the 10 p.m. newscast on WNYW (Channel 5), seemed to be referring to the old commercial for Perdue chicken when he suggested to the weatherman, Nick Gregory, that “it takes a tough man to make a tender forecast.”

That was not the objectionable portion of the broadcast, but it may have befuddled some viewers because Perdue has not regularly used that phrase in its advertising since 1993. But then Mr. Anastos added a suggestion for what Mr. Gregory could do with the chickens, using a term that qualifies as the sine qua no-no of live television....

Bruce Greengart, 58, a retired civil servant from Midwood, Brooklyn, said: “You’re not supposed to say those words. Kids may be listening to this thing.”

After watching the clip, Heather Scott, 38, of Crown Heights, Brooklyn, said, “Oh my God, what is he thinking?” She added: “We’ve all said things that are inappropriate. We’ve all done it, he happens to be broadcasting it.”

Not that she had heard the term that particular way. “What an odd phrase to use,” she said.

August 28, 2009

The Carrot Highway.... Are You Going My Way?

This song will now be in your head all weekend:

August 26, 2009

2009 Gathering Of The Juggalos..... 'This Is The Motherf*cking Year To Go Bitch-Boy'

We didn't even know anyone still listened to the Insane Clown Posse, aka the worst band on earth. I guess we were wrong. The "most misunderstood people of all time"—they call themselves Juggalos—have been gathering annually for a decade to huff Draino, watch live wrestling, gang-bang 'Juggalettes',' and listen to a lot of shitty music while they get their Insane Clown Posse on.

"The tenth annual promises to be bigger, badder and better than the nine previous years. Is that even possible? Guess what, it is possible. And it will fucking happen.... this is the motherfucking year to go bitch boy."

This year, the festival will feature Coolio, Jimmy J.J. Walker, a wet t-shirt contest, "dudes on stilts," "ninjas juggling fire," and "Hog Daddy's giant hellfire of death."

Needless to say.... every minute of this video is essential viewing.

August 07, 2009

Bob Dylan Recording Christmas Album

This can't be a good idea.

He might be the last person you'd expect to pull a stunt like this, but Billboard reports that Bob Dylan is recording a Christmas album. The man is currently hard at work in Jackson Browne's recording studio in Santa Monica, and he's laid to wax at least four yuletide classics: "Must Be Santa", "Here Comes Santa Claus", "I'll Be Home for Christmas", and "O Little Town of Bethlehem". If the album hits record stores in time for the holiday season, it'll be Dylan's second full-length this year, following the sort of middling Together Through Life.
Really? Is he going to record "Rudolph" and "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" too?

Needless to say, this seems almost as ill-conceived as the Tarzan, Tonto, and Frankenstein holiday record:

[thanks Rumproast]

August 06, 2009

Plushy Tryouts

plushy-freaks.jpgThe pervy creepy bouncing plushies are looking for a few good men pervy creepy bouncing plushies. From our mailbag:

Club Animals attempts to see the world through the eye of a child, and with the other eye, an adult. To experience this logic, call the Candy Crack Delivery Service for a delivery of a 100% sugar crack rock (multi-colored and multi-flavored with snow cone syrup). In this twisted, childhood, role-playing experiment, expect a 7-foot tall man in a plush, blue fish mascot head, white gloves and a tuxedo to come knocking soon after you call or text for delivery. You can purchase a few candy crack rocks for $1 a pop in a 1" x 1" crack bag.

Furthermore, we're looking for a few good animals to expand our group. We are a daring, hard working performance group (best known for Free Bouncy Rides) looking for people with like-minded ideas to contribute.

Saturday, August 8th:
Club Animals Tryouts
440 Studios
440 Lafayette St, Manhattan
2-3pm sharp
Rooms: 4J, 4K
RSVP to clubanimalsnyc@gmail.com

Saturday, August 8th:
Candy Crack Delivery Service
Call or Text 347-742-2293 for delivery
10p-2am
*Serving Williamsburg and Greenpoint ONLY*
http://clubanimalsnyc.blogspot.com

Previously: Creepy, Lap-Bouncey, Pervy Plushies Now Delivering Crack.

Williamsburg Condo Developers Try Desperate Viral Marketing Campaign

As we've reported before, developers in Williamsburg are getting pretty desperate. Units remain unsold, construction plans are on hold. Crusty-ass gutter punks are squatting in abandoned lots originally intended for "luxury apartments." Still, the latest ploy by JMH Development to attract attention to their condos on 184 Kent Ave is nothing short of embarrassing. They're promoting a video for a satirical dating site exclusively for Williamsburg residents:

Can anyone say FAIL. Apparently the message of this video is that if you're a pasty, dullard from Wisconsin who sometimes gets mistaken for Jared the Subway dude, fear not. Buy a luxury condo on the Williamsburg waterfront and you'll be fucking braindead hipster hotties in no time. And like the poster behind Jared's brother, "Branston," informs us, you don't even have to be Jewish.

"Love is all about location," Branston tells us, forgetting that other age-old adage: effective advertising is all about not being a fucking imbecile.

If you click through to the website, www.williamsburglove.com set up by the developer, things don't get much better:

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Ugh. We're assuming they plan on pumping out more of these, since they've introduced some new characters on the website so stay tuned. Maybe the next episode can focus on Lenora cougaring it up with some young hipster dudes at a Deer Tick show at Market Hotel.

July 23, 2009

Creepy, Lap-Bouncey, Pervy Plushies Now Delivering Crack

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We don't know what's worse, the creepy, lap-bouncey, crack-bearing plushies or the gutter punks. Make them go away.

Now, the plushies are delivering:

Club Animals has been criticized for being pointless, but the pointlessness is the point. In the latest addition, we are personally delivering a 100% sugar crack rock (multi-colored and multi-flavored with snow cone syrup) to your Brooklyn house on demand. Expect a 7-foot tall man in a plush, blue mascot head, white gloves and a tuxedo to come knocking soon after you call or text for delivery. You can purchase a few candy crack rocks for $1 a pop in a 1" x 1" crack bag. Can't say too much here because y'know it's drugs.

Call or Text 347-742-2293 for delivery at the appropriate times
***Serving Brooklyn L Train Bedford to Montrose stops ONLY***


Previously....
Creepy plushies on the L Platform
Gutter Punks Invade Williamsburg
[via]

July 10, 2009

CNN Now Reporting On Psychics & Magic

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Evidently, this is the 3rd most important news story in the world today.

"He's an old soul with an enormous amount of creative artistic energy that pours to him and from him," said Conner, who works as a "soul intuitive" in Los Angeles, California....

And despite all of Jackson's troubles, Conner said he believes the star will have an opportunity at success and fame again.

Unlike other souls that stay in the nonphysical realm anywhere from 70 to 150 years, he said, he believes the singer's soul will return quickly -- within the next 20 years -- because Jackson was such a perfectionist that he will want to "pick up where he left off."


July 06, 2009

The Wall Street Journal Stumbles Upon A Wacky New Trend: Skinny Jeans

Okay. Now that someone's grandfather over at the WSJ has discovered this wacky new trend, can we officially agree that skinny jeans are passé and start phasing them out?

Explanations abound for why men would want to wear jeans that look so uncomfortable and impractical. Some fashion observers say skinny jeans' hold on certain men stems in part from the wearers' desire to show off their gym-sculpted bodies. [...]

The brands also hope the changes will make their skinny jeans appeal beyond the urban hipsters, skater-types, rockers and hip-hop fans who already wear them to men with meatier legs. "I'm an avid cyclist and need to have more room in my jeans because my quads are getting worked on so much," says Michael Ball, co-founder of premium denim brand Rock & Republic, which late last year added stretch to its men's skinny jeans [...]

Though the jeans may be getting easier to wear, the look isn't easy to pull off. The trick is to wear skinny jeans with slim-fitting shirts and pointy-toed dress shoes or dressy boots. Any squarish, loose or, worse still, boxy-fit sweater or shirt can make a man's proportions look out of whack and his legs way too skinny.


July 03, 2009

Bringing Back Summers Past

Over at the L Mag, they're feeling nostalgic. Even I have been sucked into thinking about the past. So, I've decided to do some bringin' it back a la Pomp & Circumstance. Starting with the video that kicked off the summer of '08, before quickly disappearing (but definitely not before starting some Royal Oak style rooftop foot stomping), sorta like this year's (more lo-fi) tribute to a tribute. Thing is, it's still relevant, especially for those of you that are getting out of the city this weekend... Unlike those other summer kick off princes, MGMT.

Check out some been there, done thats that are oh-so-last summer after the jump.

Continue reading "Bringing Back Summers Past" »

July 01, 2009

Ted Kennedy & Them Dang Homosexualizers Destroyed Sanford's Marriage

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Jenny Sanford (right) and SC GOP chair Karen Floyd

This is hands down the most idiotic thing you will read all year. I swear to God I thought this was the Onion. UPDATE: we're gullible today, thank god this is a parody and it is still pretty damn funny.

“Of course I’m not saying that Mark is gay,” [Jenny] Sanford said, “but he may as well be. The moral decay in this country has claimed another victim and this time it was my family. Our marriage was perfect until these laws started passing around the country. Clearly the slow dissolution of the sanctity of marriage in America seeped into Mark’s psyche until he no longer felt compelled to abide by our vows.”

Social conservatives were quick to show their support for the first lady’s statement.

“It’s finally happened,” said Rush Limbaugh, conservative radio personality. “America, I’ve been warning you for years that gay marriage would destroy the American family and look… there they are, a husband, wife, and four children -- destroyed. When is this going to stop America? When will the liberals be satisfied? When all the marriages break up? This wasn’t Mark Sanford’s fault, this was Ted Kennedy’s fault. Sanford didn’t cheapen the value of marriage, he was victimized by the cheapening of marriage.”

June 25, 2009

Eugene Levy Needs to Fire His Agent

Meet Gooby! [via]

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The perfect hipster summer job

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Long hair? Beard? Anyone?

June 22, 2009

Papacitos Robbed

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image c/o BrooklynBased

This really sucks, so go give Papacitos some business. From Gothamist:

Papacitos, the wildly popular Greenpoint Mexican restaurant with the best vegetarian tacos in town, was the victim of a brazen robbery Saturday night. Co-owner Cody Utzman tells us that thieves broke into the establishment after it closed, hopping the courtyard fence and entering through the back. According to Utzman, the robbers smashed open the cash register and made off with a safe that had $10,000 inside, as well as the restaurant stereo and some employees' personal belongings. Police have dusted for fingerprints and are investigating the incident.

But there's also good news for Papacitos fans; Utzman tells us he's doubling the size of the place by expanding into the adjacent storefront, which is part of the same building and was the former home of a palm reader. He adds that a "very high profile" designer is overseeing the expansion, which will include a 12 foot tequila bar (whenever Papacitos' liquor license finally gets renewed) and a new mosaic fountain in the spacious courtyard. Work is expected to start next month, with the expansion complete by the end of July.

Will.i.am assaults Perez Hilton (and not with terrible music)

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Not sure why he didn't call the police himself...via his sidekick.

I guess this is what it feels like to be entertained by Will.i.am.

Some laugh-out-louds after the jump:

Continue reading "Will.i.am assaults Perez Hilton (and not with terrible music)" »

June 18, 2009

The Salvation War (OORAH MARINES DON'T TAKE NO SHIT FROM SATAN)

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The Salvation War is a trilogy that premiered online in the beginning of 2008, asking a simple question- what if God announced that everyone's time was up, and that Lucifer was coming to claim the bodies and souls of everyone on earth?

The answer the author gives- the governments of the world declare war on Heaven and Hell.

http://bbs.stardestroyer.net/viewtopic.php?f=35&t=118771

The Salvation War is also a weirdo, brilliantly (if unintentionally) funny, 'sperging-out fantasy full of Michael Bay Air Force dogfights (against demons), Ron Paul-level libertarian craziness, a bunch of sub-Leno jokes about subjects like Hillary Clinton's bitchiness, and a hilarious amount of complete disdain for religion. EIGHTY-FIVE chapters long! I also have word that the sequel is about the military going to heaven to fight God himself. After the jump are some amazing passages:

Continue reading "The Salvation War (OORAH MARINES DON'T TAKE NO SHIT FROM SATAN)" »

June 16, 2009

Keyboard Cat Plays With Hall & Oates!

June 12, 2009

The Brick Testament

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I'm not generally a big fan of the bible—its tribalism, wrath, homophobia, and violence doesn't strike me as the best code of ethics to follow. But maybe I've just been reading the wrong translation. It's totally better with Legos.

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June 05, 2009

Grim Times at New York Observer

We're big fans, so this really sucks:

The New York Observer said goodbye to Peter Kaplan for good this week. Today, they've laid off a huge portion of their writing staff--including some of their very best:

Here are the names we've heard from a good source, although they haven't been officially confirmed by the paper yet:

Matt Haber
Spencer Morgan
Doree Shafrir
Chris Shott
Peter Stevenson
John Vorwald

May 19, 2009

33 Stupid Sex Tips From Men's Health

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I've got a new piece up at Gavin McInne's latest site SBTVC. Here's a taste:

For starters, you may want to avoid referring to a woman’s elbows and knees as “hinges,” as the authors do in number 11. And while I’m on the subject, how in God’s name could anyone think number 15 is a good idea:

“Season her belly with a little salt, and then slowly lick it off.”

Salt? WTF? You had two authors and presumably and editor working on this thing. None one of you found the idea of turning your partner into a human salt lick fucking retarded odd?

And these two examples don’t even qualify as the most perplexing tips on the list. In fact, when I got to sex tip number 20, I had to double-check the address bar on my browser to make sure I wasn’t reading The Onion:

20. Blindfold Yourself
Many women who are insecure about their bodies stick to the missionary position because you can’t see their bodies that way. If you really can’t see her because your eyes are covered, she’ll do a lot more with you, to you, and for you.

Um. No. Even if she isn’t insecure about her body, she’s going to be if she thinks you need a blindfold to fuck her. Why not just throw a bag over her head and tape some pornography to the spot where her face used to be? If you blindfold yourself she’s going to think you’re repulsed by the sight of her. So let me repeat: DON’T DO THIS.

You can check out the whole thing here. [Mildly NSFW]

May 13, 2009

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

It looks like Debbie Gibson's career is going awesome:


[thanks Derek]

May 06, 2009

Play Them Off, Keyboard Cat!

Kids tells his mom he's an atheist, cat plays organ! What more could you want from a dumb YouTube viral video?

More Keyboard Cat after the jump!

Continue reading "Play Them Off, Keyboard Cat!" »

Rejected Gladiator 2 Script Leaks... Did We Mention Nick Cave Wrote It?

gladiator_nick_cave.jpg

Okay. This already wins the award for the most bizarre story of the week. First off, why the hell would Ridley Scott ask mopey rock icon Nick Cave to write a script? Why would Cave agree to said project. After agreeing to write the thing, how could Cave have thought that including a scene where Maximus battles the Vietcong with a flamethrower would be a good idea? And of course the largest elephant in the room... why in God's name do we need Gladiator 2? Most of us are still traumatized by the steaming pile of crap that was the original.

Gone Elsewhere has been generous enough to provide a synopsis of some of the script's highlights. After being meeting Roman Gods in the afterlife and being reincarnated, Maximus starts kicking some major ass:

Middle Eastern Battlefield: Maximus stands surrounded by hundreds of Crusaders as they battle a Muslim army. Everyone dies around him, only Maximus remains untouched.
- Europe: Maximus battles tanks in World War 2.
- Vietnam: Maximus battles Vietcong with a flamethrower.
- The Pentagon, Present Day: Maximus washing his hands in a men's room sink. He stars at himself in the mirror... reflecting. Mordecai stands behind him... whispers: "Until eternity itself has said it's prayers." Maximus exits; proceeds into a large war room containing a dozen men in suits.
This sounds so bad actually, we must admit our curiosity is piqued. Thankfully, Gone Elsewhere puts things in perspective.
This is not a reflection on the quality of the piece, but I'm not really interested in seeing a sequel to Gladiator featuring elements of mythology and the supernatural. They weren't present in the first film and they simply feel out of place here.

It's like making an action-packed follow-up to Schindler's List with a cryogenically-frozen Liam Neeson helping to save a doomed alien species 10,000 years in the future. Sure, there might be an interesting story there... but it doesn't make sense given the pre-established universe.

We're trying to locate the script, so link us up in comments if you find it!

May 01, 2009

The Swine Flu Song


Swine Flu is the jam man

Did anyone really have it in those NY schools or did kids just want to not go to class?

April 27, 2009

Low-Flying Questions

Hasn't the FAA ever heard of Photoshop? We know a half a dozen unemployed designers who could have pulled this off—sans building evacuations and mass panic—in 20 minutes. We're glad to know our tax dollars are being spent wisely. Give us a holler, Mr. Caldera.... we'll send you a few resumes.

'Super Cool' Rockers, Dancers, Hip Nerds & Graffiti Types Needed

Some hep cat looking for wacky trendsetters in Williamsburg, just sent us this. From the mailbag:

WILLIAMSBURG TYPES NEEDED Do you Rock Your Own Style?

WE ARE CURRENTLY LOOKING FOR THESE TYPES/LOOKS:

DJ's
Hipsters
Musicians
LES Types
Williamsburg Types
Artists
Rockers
Dancers
Performers
Street Artist
Graffiti Types
Hip/Nerd Look

And all other super cool folks!

Impossible Casting (impossiblecasting.com) is seeking the coolest New Yorkers for upcoming paid advertising campaigns. E-mail us some pictures at submit (AT) impossiblecasting.com. About US: Impossible Casting is NY's premier casting companies. We cast models, actors and real people for TV, Film, commercials and Print. We also find a lot of our best people right off the street.

They forgot about grifters, bearded neo-hippies, and this dude, who is definitely rocking his own style:

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image via

Who are the latest locals rocking their own style? We haven't seen the above or the Goth Pilgrim in a while. Let us know in comments, and please... SEND US PIX!

FAA Tries to Scare the Shit Out of New Yorkers

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As part of some inane photo-op, the FAA sent a low-flying 747 trailed by a fighter jet into Manhattan this morning. And they didn't bother to tell anybody, since evidently we've all forgotten about 9-11. From City Room:

An Air Force One lookalike, the backup plane for the one regularly used by the president, flew low over Manhattan on Monday morning, accompanied by two F-16 fighters, so Air Force photographers could take pictures. But a lack of awareness about the flyover led to the evacuation of several buildings in Lower Manhattan and Jersey City, and perplexed officials at the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey and other authorities were inundated with calls from anxious ferry passengers, office workers and residents.

“People came pouring out of the buildings, the American Express Building, all the buildings in the financial district by the water,” said Edward Acker, a photographer who was at the building, 3 World Financial Center. “And even the construction guys over by 100 North End Avenue area, they all got out of their buildings. Nobody knew about it. Finally some guy showed up with a little megaphone to tell everyone it was a test, but the people were not happy. The people who were here 9/11 were not happy.”

Mr. Acker added: “New York City police were standing right there and they had no knowledge of it. The evacuations were spontaneous. Guys from the floor came out, and one guy I talked to was just shaking.”

Even the markets dipped shortly after 10 a.m., though it was unclear if the alarm over the planes was a factor. Starting at 10:02 a.m., three main market indexes started dropping precipitously. The Dow Jones industrial average dropped 40 points in 10 minutes, starting 10:15 a.m., before it rebounded more than 50 points.

April 14, 2009

Greg Maddux is the best baseball player and genius of our time

gregpsych.jpg


Sometimes I can't sleep, no matter how much I want to (even after a good cry). Wikipedia gets me through those nights but last night was something special because of Greg Maddux. Stumbled upon because I was curious as to his age, his Wikipedia article seems to suggest that Maddux is some sort of savant, possibly on the autistic spectrum, and certainly possessing a mind beyond anything typically human. Be careful because he might be able to feel you reading this right now with his mind:

Maddux has been credited by many of his teammates with a preternatural ability to outhink his opponents, and anticipate results. Braves catcher Eddie Pérez tells the story of Maddux intentionally allowing a home run to the Astros' Jeff Bagwell, in anticipation of facing Bagwell in the playoffs months later. Maddux felt Bagwell would instinctively be looking for the same pitch again, which Maddux would then refuse to throw.

There's more.

Continue reading "Greg Maddux is the best baseball player and genius of our time" »

April 01, 2009

Björk Joins Led Zeppelin

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So Led Zep has been looking for a new lead, I guess. And today, Björk's people made an official announcement accepting the position. Her conditions are as follows:

Björk has though put forward her wish that they only cover with her songs from album I and IV, among them pure classics like:

"Good Times Bad Times", "You Shook Me", "Dazed and Confused", "Your Time Is Gonna Come", "Black Mountain Side", "Communication Breakdown", "I Can't Quit You Baby", "Black Dog" , "Rock and Roll", "The Battle of Evermore" and "Stairway to Heaven".

Get the full scoop, and more importantly-- tour dates, on her website.

In other Björk news, you can check out a truly one-of-a-kind collabo with The Dirty Projectors in May, if you can afford it.

March 24, 2009

Beaver Huntin' 2009

I was gonna write something pithy but forget it, here's a video that you should see:


Is that kid in "If You Got It, Flaunt It" his son? Is it weirder if it's his son or just some random kid? Why is he a caveman? Do they get lots of beavers? Or have anything to do with any of his songs? And then he's singing about space which is the opposite of cavemen and finally gets to his Uranus joke, goddamn I'm gonna go lie down.

March 19, 2009

Annoying Neighborhood Micro-Celeb Arrested

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Schadenfreude alert!!!!

Remember Kenley, from this past season of Project Runway? She was super irritating and came terrifyingly close to winning the competition. Well apparently she isn't only cunty and crazy on TV - but in real life too. She was arrested on Herbert Street yesterday in a cat-throwing, laptop-tossing, screaming fiasco with her ex-boyfriend. Attacking people and animals? What a supreme beast.

And oh jeez, his last name is "Penley" (insert gratuitous jokes here).

And say what you will about Murdoch's shitty gossip rag, but that's the perfect headline.

The NY Post has more details here, if you have the time to waste. And so does Defamer!

March 17, 2009

Cory Arcangel Wishes He Thought of This

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Billy Corgan's been showing up in the music headlines recently because of his testimony before Congress in which he hoped to eek a bit more cash out of his cover versions of adult contemporary jams. Maybe all the talk got you to break out your old Smashing Pumpkins albums and wish for the days when Billy Corgan was young and angry and interesting. Well, I can't give you that, but I can give you an amateur podcast in which a very nerdy DJ comments on Billy Corgan's last record, Zeitgeist, while listening to it. Like a listening party with the smuggest high school D&D player in all the right ways. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED D/L: GET IT HERE

Continue reading "Cory Arcangel Wishes He Thought of This" »

March 13, 2009

Flocabulary: Life Imitating The Onion

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Remember on The Wire when Officer Pryzbylewski was teaching at the school in Baltimore and all the kids were growing up to be corner boys and fighting each other and he was just trying to make a difference (I think it was kind of like Dangerous Minds)? That season could never happen today, because of FLOCABULARY. It'll teach you social studies, language arts, math, and science all with awesome jams.

Continue reading "Flocabulary: Life Imitating The Onion" »

March 06, 2009

This Is The Most Juvenile Thing We've Seen In A While....

So of course we love it: [via]

March 05, 2009

This banner ad is :'(

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Damn.

The Times Is Tough


image via

And not just for us... even Hollywood is reeling from the recession. First Shannen Doherty decides to take a second job as art director for a magazine. Then Michael auctions off some classics at Julien's. And now, Kanye contemplates his roots as a video game designer:

"My game was very sexual," West told Details Magazine. "The main character was, like, a giant penis. It was like Mario Brothers, but the ghosts were, like, vaginas. Mind you, I'm 12 years old, and this is stuff 30-year-olds are programming. You'd have to draw in and program every little step -- it literally took me all night to do a step, 'cause the penis, y'know, had little feet and eyes."
Well, I guess Kanye is pretty well off at this point and prooooobably doesn't need to return to his previous *ahem* passion 'cause Kanye, y'know, has his game on.

My friend Andrew, I miss him

Sometimes it's a Thursday after a goddamn blizzard in March and you're thinking, "Why am I looking forward to summer? What is so great about it being really hot out and wearing t-shirts?" Then you remember, "Oh yeah, The Gathering of The Juggalos!" I mean, if you were me you'd probably think all that. But after you see this video the "you" won't be "me," it'll be YOU! You will be excited for The Gathering of The Juggalos! Because of Andrew WK! Because he killed it at The Gathering of The Juggalos just last summer and I bet you didn't know that!

Guy needs to write a book (and you know he'd write one 8 inches thick) about how to turn irrelevancy into irreverance(y) as a freaking career.

I'm just gonna end all my posts with sweet pics.
juggalos vs. emos.png

March 04, 2009

Why, Wayne?

As you may have heard, Lil Wayne is forsaking his god-given gifts as a rapper and releasing a rock album, Rebirth, this May. If "Prom Queen," the album's first single, is any indication, the whole thing will be a fiasco of Chris Gaines proportions. The video for this bastard child of Auto-Tune and '90s radio rock showed up on Videogum today and I've embedded it below just in case you're feeling masochistic. Essentially, the storyline is a thugged-out rehash of "Sk8er Boi," with more tattoos and unplanned pregnancies. And yeah, it sucks.


March 03, 2009

My New Favorite Way to Procrastinate

The Fake Albums Group. I found this little gem of a facebook meme today. Here's the rules:

1: Go to "Wikipedia." Hit “random... Read More”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2: Go to "Random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3: Go to Flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4: Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

5: Repeat until your term paper is late, your boss is angry, your library books are over due, etc.

ok, so maybe i added step 5, but anyway... here's mine:

oddly enough that looks like an album i'd probably buy.

upload yours to the comments, i want to see!

February 28, 2009

Yes, Seriously.

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Bullets, Bombs, and Babes, "This Ain't No Hula!"

As Rumproast commenter t4toby summarizes, this scene from 1987's Hard Ticket to Hawaii has it all:

Skateboarding, off-center ponytails, blowup dolls, pectoralis muscles, rocket launchers, ROCKET LAUNCHERS!!!, gratuitous violence, totally unnecessary second rocket launch attack on aforementioned blowup doll...I challenge you to come up with a better action sequence!

Evidently, B-movie director Andy Sedaris (not to be confused with David Sedaris) directed a handful of these things in a series known as Bullets, Bombs, and Babes:

Sidaris was best known for his Bullets, Bombs, and Babes series of B-movies produced between 1985 and 1998. These films featured a rotating "stock company" of actors mostly made up of Playboy Playmates and Penthouse "Pets", including Julie Strain, Dona Speir, Hope Marie Carlton, Cynthia Brimhall, Roberta Vasquez, Julie K. Smith, Shae Marks, and Wendy Hamilton. Several of his films were done wholly or largely in Shreveport using many local actors or actors with local ties.
Needless to say, we need to watch the entire series ASAP. Check out the amazing trailer to Hard Ticket to Hawaii after the jump. You gotta love a movie with the catchphrase "This Ain't No Hula!" [hat tip Rumproast]

Continue reading "Bullets, Bombs, and Babes, "This Ain't No Hula!"" »

January 23, 2009

Lafayette Bakery's "Drunken Negro Face" Cookies

Blatant racism notwithstanding, you'd think this inbred retard would figure out that this probably isn't good for business. We'll certainly be boycotting his Greenwich Village bakery. [hat tip Gothamist]

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January 22, 2009

If You Were Scammed... at the Animal Collective Bowery Show

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AC, 2006 @ Bowery, C/O Jason Bergman

We all think very highly of Animal Collective--they're true musical pioneers. I was fortunate to attend the show last night, but I caught wind of a Craigslist scam charging people $100 a piece for false tickets. It's unfortunate that this happened. If you are looking for the person to blame, I believe someone at Brooklyn Vegan has the scoop on the jerk.

Whoever you are, I hope you have a great day. ;)

January 20, 2009

YES!

Here's an unofficial video for Young Jeezy's "My President is Black." It's simultaneously hilarious and yet inspiring considering the magnitude of today's events:

November 21, 2008

How many of your friends....

Look like this guy?

November 20, 2008

Motrin Commercial Gives Baby Slingers A Headache

Moms have been freaking over this Motrin ad:

Here's the story

Big pharma Johnson & Johnson (JNJ) has rolled out a Web clip in which a snarky, knowing commentator gripes about the social pressure to "wear" babies in slings, carriers, etc–and the Motrin-ready aches that "wearing" a baby can cause. And in the last few days lots of blogger/Twitterers have agreed that:

• The ad is offensive.
• Motrin/JNJ doesn’t "get" social marketing.
• Something should be done! Maybe a boycott.

There's even a protest video that hilariously uses "Danny Boy" as its soundtrack.

Hearing their Twitter-rage, the company has since pulled the ad and issued an apology. We can't help but adore this spoof ad just posted on YouTube (below). Sure the original ad was dumb and overly snarky, but come on, aren't there worse things to get upset about? [hat tip Jezebel]


October 31, 2008

More Racist B.S. At Union Pool?

2007_06_artsupool.jpg

From our mail bag. Why do we keep hearing about this shit happening at Union Pool?

We were in the back room at Union Pool on Wednesday night for an event. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the back room of Union Pool, but there's a bar, a stage, and a balcony with stairs leading up to it.The place was really crowded with spectators that night and there were roughly seven people on the stairs, including my girlfriend, J., and 2 other friends of ours. I was on stage.

My buddy J. was the only black guy in the whole place.

Early in the event this white guy, likely in his 40's—beard, darker hair, medium build, short hair, pretty non-descript—goes plowing up the stairs through the people to get to the balcony, muttering about people being on the stairs, but really shoves J. hard. J. says something to the effect of 'Stop pushing people dude' and the guy gets in his face with 'just get out of my way' and goes on up.

Soon after he comes plowing back down, but this time puts his hand on J.'s face and shoves him, very much singling him out. J., quite naturally says again 'Yo dude, stop pushing people' and the guy gets in his face again.

Then, he goes back down, gets the two bouncers, who come to the stairs, not even knowing who they're supposed to be looking for. The guy points to J., they put their hands on him, he says 'get your fucking hands off me.' One of the bouncers says something about J.'s 'attitude' and tells him he's got to go, which he does, with my other two friends following him out.

I'm on stage for all of this so I missed the whole thing. I got this story from my girlfriend and all three of the other guys, plus some girl who was standing on the stairs too. They were all saying how weird it was.

Important note: after the show, I'm telling this story to a friend of mine's boyfriend, who says to me 'oh yeah I used to work here I'm not surprised. They're totally racist here, this shit happens all the time'

I didn't get to talk to him long enough to find out who 'they' are. But wtf.

Later i found this:

http://gothamist.com/2007/06/26/union_pools_unc.php

and

http://gridskipper.com/57893/union-pool-in-williamsburg#c1413170

Bottom line: J. was the only black guy there, and it was packed. Even if this isn't a race thing, the guy was a prick regardless, and they seem to have a record of this kind of shit. J. did nothing wrong, nothing I wouldn't have done myself.

I'm particularly pissed since my band has played there many many times and brought them plenty of drink-buying people, we even had a record-release show there a couple years ago which sold out. This particular night brought a huge crowd too, and while i'm doing my monkey act on stage, they're throwing out my friend, who didn't even want to raise a stink over this. All three of them are like 'hey man it is what it is, don't sweat it'

An added sting is that these guys don't hang out in 'hipsterland'. I.e. they're the kinds of guys who use that word. Know what i mean? So I talk them into coming to this event my other friends and I put on, and they get kicked out inside of 20 minutes. Just fanning the flames of the 'fuck williamsburg' thing.

October 28, 2008

David Ogilvy Is Rolling Over In His Grave

We haven't seen anything this terrible/hilarious since the One Bank ballad hit the internets. A tribute to David Ogilvy:

September 24, 2008

CNN's Almost Lead Story

Forget McCain, let's lead with this:

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More at CNN.

September 22, 2008

Our Team Needs Some Ads Like This

September 09, 2008

Ms Williamsburg is from New Jersey

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Christophe Legris for Stuff Hipsters Don't Like

While I never made it out to the Mr and Miss Williamsburg pageant last weekend, it turns out one participant is exposing the organizers and saying it was all a sham!

From SHDL:

Misha fielded our questions before we did a run through of how events would proceed. She also instructed us not to tell anyone from “the press” that the whole applicant process was rigged! Sorry, Misha. Welcome to the 21st Century where ordinary people and seasoned journalists alike can blow your cover in the blogoshpere! Also on the list of things not to talk about was the Colt 45 story (fabricated publicity stunt) and the fact that almost all of the contestants were Misha’s friends from college.

Well that isn't surprising. If you want to view a whole lot of people from New Jersey pretending to be from Williamsburg, check out Lola's photo album on Picasa, or just click through the jump for a picture of our newly crowned Ms. Williamsburg chugging a PBR while simultaneously taking her underwear off while wearing an American Apparel onesie. Whew, I feel gross just typing that. Where'd the innocence go?! Somebody, please, spray me with Ecto-Cooler and take me to church.

Continue reading "Ms Williamsburg is from New Jersey" »

August 18, 2008

Pandamonium, Continued

A tipster sent us this picture from Saturday's Pandamonium march on Bedford. Christ, don't the cops have something better to do than go apeshit on a bunch of drunk panda-hipsters? More images here. And our original post is here.

panda-throwdown.jpg

June 10, 2008

Just When You Think Fox New Can't Get Any More Retarded...

A "terrorist fist jab"? WTF???!!! Watch MSNBC slam Fox:

May 20, 2008

Is That A Flying Penis Or Are You Just Happy To See Mr. Kasparov?

A press conference by Gary Kasparov is interrupted by a flying penis.

May 07, 2008

Best. Craig's List Post. Ever

We don't know if this is real, but when it's this funny, it kinda doesn't matter. Via Flickr

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March 28, 2008

Mexican 'Anti-Emos' Hate Skinny Jeans & Bright Eyes

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From Time via Buzzfeed

The trio of long-haired teenagers grasped the plaza wall to shield their bodies as hundreds of youths kicked and punched them while filming the beating on cell phone cameras. "Kill the emos," shouted the assailants, who had organized over the Internet to launch the attack in Mexico's central city of Queretaro. After police eventually steamed in and made arrests, the bloody victims lay sobbing on the concrete waiting for ambulances while the mob ran through the nearby streets laughing and cheering... more here

March 25, 2008

Another Reason To Never Shop At Wal-Mart

This is disgraceful.

March 14, 2008

RIAA Wants To Charge All Broadband Users An Extra $5 A Month

This is totally retarded.

March 13, 2008

"We Are The World" Japanese Style

Hat tip And I Am Not Lying.

March 10, 2008

Who Knew?

Now this is a scoop.

March 09, 2008

Actually Sally, The Biggest Threat To Our Nation Is The Ignorance Of Our Leaders

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Rep Sally Kern, (405) 557-7348, sallykern@okhouse.gov

Believe it or not, these are the words of a member of Congress, not a televangelist. Let Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern know what you think: sallykern@okhouse.gov. From Pam's House Blend

I honestly think it's [homosexuality] the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or Islam.

They want to get them into the government schools so they can indoctrinate them.

...They are going after our young children, as young as two years of age, to try to teach them that the homosexual lifestyle is an acceptable lifestyle.

You know, gays are infiltrating city councils...did you know that the city council of Eureka Springs is now controlled by gays -- they are winning elections.

One of my colleagues said We don't have a gay problem in our community...well you know what, that is so dumb. If you have cancer in your little toe, do you just say that I'm going to forget about it since the rest of you is fine? It spreads! This stuff is deadly and it is spreading. It will destroy our young people and it will destroy this nation.

And here's the audio of her entire insane tirade:

March 04, 2008

Clinton Sets Up Camp In Restroom

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We're not making this up. From Time via Rumproast:

This has got to be a first. Here in Austin, on the night before that make-or-break Texas primary, the Clinton campaign has set up a filing center for the traveling press corps... in a men's room. Insert metaphor here
Rumproast has the whole story.

March 03, 2008

Women Aren't Dumb, Charlotte Allen, You Are

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self-loathing troll, Charlotte Allen

We're shocked the Washington Post even ran this drivel.

What is it about us women? Why do we always fall for the hysterical, the superficial and the gooily sentimental? Take a look at the New York Times bestseller list. At the top of the paperback nonfiction chart and pitched to an exclusively female readership is Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love." ...

I swear no man watches "Grey's Anatomy" unless his girlfriend forces him to. No man bakes cookies for his dog. No man feels blue and takes off work to spend the day in bed with a copy of "The Friday Night Knitting Club." No man contracts nebulous diseases whose existence is disputed by many if not all doctors, such as Morgellons (where you feel bugs crawling around under your skin). At least no man I know. Of course, not all women do these things, either -- although enough do to make one wonder whether there isn't some genetic aspect of the female brain, something evolutionarily connected to the fact that we live longer than men or go through childbirth, that turns the pre-frontal cortex into Cream of Wheat...

So I don't understand why more women don't relax, enjoy the innate abilities most of us possess (as well as the ones fewer of us possess) and revel in the things most important to life at which nearly all of us excel: tenderness toward children and men and the weak and the ability to make a house a home. (Even I, who inherited my interior-decorating skills from my Bronx Irish paternal grandmother, whose idea of upgrading the living-room sofa was to throw a blanket over it, can make a house a home.) Then we could shriek and swoon and gossip and read chick lit to our hearts' content and not mind the fact that way down deep, we are . . . kind of dim

Men do lots of dumb shit too, Ms. Allen. They watch sports, read FHM, and start preemptive wars. We concede that you're an idiot, Charlotte, but we won't blame that on your gender. Did we mention you look like a troll who lives beneath a bridge?

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