|
 You've
probably heard the rumors, Starbucks is coming to Williamsburg.
Or are they? The rumors are out there, but we cannot find anyone
to substantiate them.
Regardless, an anonymous friend of Free Williamsburg recently contacted
the company and below is the response that she received. If Starbucks
really cares about the communities they infiltrate, then why can't
they answer a simple question?! Please let us know if you have any
information on this topic.
Dear Name Withheld,
Thank you for taking the time to e-mail Starbucks Coffee Company.
Unfortunately, I am unable to confirm the opening of a location
in
Williamsburg (Brooklyn, NY). However, I recommend checking the website
periodically for updates.
Thank you again for contacting Starbucks. If you have any further
questions or concerns, please contact us at info@starbucks.com or
call (800) 23-LATTE to speak with a customer relations representative.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth
Customer Relations
Starbucks Coffee Company
Our Crack Reporter Russ Josephs with the Unsubstantiated Scoop:
I know, actually, what the deal is with the Starbucks. Apparently,
they bought the building across from the Verb, and were going to open
a Starbucks there, but decided not to. Instead, as of now they're
planning to open a high-end bakery. And even though there will be
no Starbucks sign, it will still be one of their enterprises. It's
essentially a Starbucks in disguise.
I am Yuppie,
Hear Me Roar
DEAR FREE WILLIAMSBURG:
Y'know, I've lived in Williamsburg now for about 2 years and yes
I am one of the enemy (apparently). I used to love walking home seeing
all the Yuppie Go Home graffiti all over the place and wishing
I had some spray paint to write right next to one of these free advice
columns, "Not only ain't I goin' home, I'm inviting my friends over
to stay".
Don't you hip, cool (or is it deck)
people understand how the world works. You don't want people with
actual jobs to move into your neighborhood? Don't you realize that
a few trustfund baby artists (well at least that's what you tell people
you are) are the actual problem. It's not the Yuppies.
This was a perfectly nice Polish neighborhood before you guys decided
to move in, open up your hip bars, and generally make the area more
inhabitable for the Yuppies. I know I wouldn't be paying 2 grand a
month on a 2 bedroom in this neighborhood if it wasn't for what you've
done to the neighborhood.(I'm not actually paying that but apparently
that's what the places near Bedford are going for. To be honest I
wouldn't even consider paying that too live in Billburg)
Don't get me wrong, I love this neighborhood. I'm going to the rally's
to stop the powerplants (another thing you'd have no chance against
without Yuppies being in the area, and still probably have no chance
against). I fit in better with the whole anti-establishment world,
I really dig alterna-chicks (Williamsburg is one of the few places
where telling a girl you work on Wall St. is a sure fire way to strike
out). But it's so irritating hearing the anti-yuppie sentiment after
a while. How all your favorite bars are getting overrun, all your
apartments are leaving your price range. Well, it's your fault so
get over it. In fact, all the bitching and moaning...it's just soooo
1993.
Oh and one more thing...the way you guys rebuttal all the letters
you get is like watching my brothers kids say "Oh yeah....!" It really
looks pathetic. But other than that, I like the site, keep it up,
just stop whining.
- Name Withheld
The "pathetic" rebuttal:
Um... who's whining again?
- Free Williamsburg
Creepy Letter to Maya Fox
Dearest Maya:
 How
should I put this? I love you. There, I've said it. I feel simultaneously
relieved and nervous; relieved to have finally confessed to you my
desire, the passion for every ounce of your body and brain that has
been welling up since I first read your column; nervous for the simple
fact that: what if you don't like me? What if this is all for naught,
my confession, my desire, my love, all for nothing? This, I'm afraid,
is too much for me to bear, so I shall simply put it out of my head.
In the meantime, Maya, dear, sweet Maya, let's talk about US. While
we have never met, or even spoke, and I have no idea what you look
like, how old you are, or even if you're really a woman, I don't care.
I know you. Simply from your responses to those troubled souls you've
helped through your brilliant column, your wonderful wit and wisdom,
I know you. Deeply. Truly. Madly. I don't know what else to say, accept
that we belong together, that we are meant to be as one, and that
I am more certain about this than anything on earth. Therefore, Maya
my love, come away with me, become the Queen to my King, Bride to
my Groom, J.Lo to my Puffy, etc, etc. Separate, we are nothing. Together,
we can rule the world. What do you say?
The Brooklyn Loft Mosquito Power Crisis
In June we ran a spoof entitled The
Brooklyn Loft Mosquito Power Crisis, and similar to our Real
World joke, some didn't get it:
DEAR FREE WILLIAMSBURG:
So you are saying it was a joke? I am worrying about losing my loft
and you think it's a joke?
- Name Withheld
DEAR FREE WILLIAMSBURG:
We are interested in making a documentary
How does this (the alleged crisis) affect people in the arts/technology.
Abfab.com StreamTV is not just about the tech side of the arts
but it is a lifestyles show as well. We have several proposals up
grants too and who knows - if we get some good footage.
I guess first - i would have to come out there and be introduced
to the
subject. and get some background.
Next week i'm on a shoot in Tampa so it would have to be sometime
in the middle of July but before August cause we're getting ready
for the Source Music Awards which we're webcasting.
- Name Withheld
Will Bill Moyers be directing?
- Free Williamsburg
That Poster Again
In response to a promotional poster we did months ago, we are delighted
to see that someone finally enjoyed our sense of humor. Click
here if you missed all the previous mail generated by this poster.
Click here to see the poster.
DEAR FREE WILLIAMSBURG:
I also found your Asian waiter offensive. I also found Kato offensive,
both in the Green Hornet series and the Pink Panther movies. And Lucy
Ling's role, or "roll" as in "roll in the hay for pay," in Ally McBeal
offends me. So does the Iron Chef. It's like you and the rest of the
pop culture "dictators" out there think that Asians are nothing more
than waiter-whore-karate-chefs. And the people at the table being
attended by the Asian waiter offended me. Do you think all white people
are overfed, tactless, imperialist simpletons in garish shirts?
And I couldn't help noticing that all the people in the background
of your racist flyer were in "shadow," a la TIME's OJ Simpson cover.
And what's up with your mediareview font? Are you suggesting that
we bring back the inquisition or something? I examined it, and if
you rearrange the letters in freewilliamsburg and add a couple, it
spells "racist scribe." What you call "kitsch," I call "hate." Take
the "itsch" out of "kitsch" and it's "k." Multiply that times three,
and what do you have? Damn you. Marq Cooper, A Fierce Intellectual
Defender of the American Way for All Peoples in the New Millennium
of Harmonious Racializing for All Peoples
- Name Withheld
At Least We are Honest
DEAR FREE WILLIAMSBURG:
Ok, was the reviewer in a bad mood the day he wrote that (the
Black Betty review) or is he just an ass hole?
most people don't drink gin anymore, times change and so do bartending
rules - so it's ok for the bartender to assume vodka. and fuck you
you POOR dotcommer. not everyone made truckloads of dough - including
myself and i've been in this industry far before the freakin gold
rush.
Why don't you try writing something original besides the same old
bullshit.
- Name Withheld
F. SOT'S RESPONSE:
To quote the weed metal band, Clutch, "Is you stupid or is you just
high?" Your email, as any fool can see, verges on illiteracy and incoherence.
First- I'm not a dot-commer and never proclaimed to be. Yes, I am
deeply involved in http://www.AlcoholReviews.com.
But the majority of my earnings comes from the work I do at a university.
Second, sorry to hear that you failed to cash in on the late 90s Internet
goldrush. Sucks to be you. Third, the martini has historically been
a gin based drink. Yes, vodka martinis have become very popular. However,
for a bartender or server to simply ASSUME that an order for a martini
means vodka is just stupid. A smart bartender would either make it
a gin martini or, if they were feeling cautious, ASK the customer
whether he or she wants gin or vodka. Dumbass.
- F. Sot
F. Sot Again and the Case of
the High-Pitched Tenement
DEAR FREE
WILLIAMSBURG:
 My
roommate just printed out your Restaurant and Bar Guide and I absolutely
love it. Like a nerd, I've read it twice and am looking forward to
reading it again. Please tell me to fuck off for even suggesting this,
but there were only two things that were less than perfect. Enid's
is a beautiful little place but isn't there something awful about
how everyone stares/gives dirty looks to whoever walks in? I used
to live near it so I went there a few times and it killed me every
time. I also hate how the girl guy ratio is an unhealthy 1 to 4. I
can't handle watching 4 Buddy Holly glassed dudes clamoring for the
attention of one non descript girl who, thanks to the crappy ratio,
thinks she's the shit.
The other thing I disagreed with in your wonderful review was the
one on Stinger. On the weekends it is indeed the most happening
place, but I think it's important to note that half the patrons
are, as the Village Voice would say, "Homo Thugs" and I'm sincere
when I say that I don't think I've met a group of more polite and
gentle guys in my life. As bodies inevitably bump in the packed
bar, you are guaranteed of getting a soft touch and a whispered
"excuse me, are you all right" sort of line.
I am also writing to you because I have an idea for an article I'd
like to submit. I could do a report on the house at the southeast
corner of Bedford and North 4th street. Whenever I walk by, I always
hear a ridiculous high-pitched sound coming out of it. The sound
is so high pitched that it's painful to men but women can barely
hear it. Someone once told me and I think I read it somewhere, that
most men focus on treble while most women focus on bass. I've done
little experiments and found that it's true. I also think it makes
sense that humans have evolved this way because it makes deep voiced
men enjoy the sound of high voiced women and vice versa. Anyway,
the noise and building are quite creepy. So far I've only done a
little bit of reconnaissance, but I've noticed two signs on the
steel fence around it. One says "Don't Pick the Flowers" and the
other says not to let your dog pee on the bushes. What sort of people
live here?
I would like to get to the bottom of this mystery but am a little
scared. Has anyone reported on this yet, and if they haven't would
you like me to check it out?
- Name Withheld
Thanks for the kind words and we look forward to getting to the bottom of this
mystery. Sounds like a Hardy Boys plot.
The Hipster Handbook - see the article here
No 'hipster' I know (at least the ones in Manhattan, you know, the
REAL New York) goes to SUBurban Outfitters. Maybe you Billyburgers
haven't caught that trend yet. It really is so very 1995.
- Marisa
In case you missed the joke, The Hipster Handbook
was SATIRE! Perhaps in the "Real" New York, humor is no longer fashionable.
-Free Williamsburg
DEAR
FREE WILLIAMSBURG -
I have lived on Bedford Ave. for almost 2 years and I thought
your parody
of Real World was extremely funny and obviously satirical.
Very "Onion-esque". The jerk-offs in this neighborhood take themselves
too seriously and should go trailblaze a new hipster Promised
Land in Redhook. P.S.
After 3 years of eating at Vera Cruz, I am finally boycotting
them for raising prices when business is booming and for maintaining
the lowest standards of service possible without actually serving
yourself.
Name withheld
Disclaimer from the Editor:
Opinions addressed in Free Williamsburg are not necessarily our
own, godammit!.
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