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People, I need your help in a big, big way. I'm in the middle of a severe crisis, and I don't know what to do about it. Everything is on the line, I'm up against a wall and I have nowhere else to turn. So I'm turning to you, my readers, as I know you are there for me. You will help me in my time of need. I thank you, in advance, for what I'm sure will be your complete and swift aid. I will be forever in your debt. And if in the future any of you need anything - anything - just ask.

Rated 9.3 last time we checked

Here's the problem. Call me a late bloomer, but I recently discovered a website called Am I Hot or Not? (hotornot.com), where people post their pictures and you rate them on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being someone you'd label a hottie and 1 being someone you'd dismiss as a nottie. The concept is brilliant in its simplicity, and one can spend hours clicking through the various pictures. Additionally, the site functions as a dating service, and many of the pictures are equipped with the clickable tagline: "Do you want to meet him/her?", in which case you are treated to a brief description of the individual in question. Then you can either click on "Yes," as in, "Yes, I want to meet you," or "No," as in, "No, I want to have nothing to do with you, you're butt-ugly and you make me wretch." Or something like that.

So of course, after spending an entire afternoon rating the folks on the site, I had to see what would happen if I joined them. So I submitted a picture of myself. Hence, my present dilemma. For, as of now, my rating is but an 8.3. Now, while this number is certainly in the higher echelon of the 1-10 paradigm, and is by no means a poor, piddly 2 or 3, it is not a 9. Neither is it, for that matter, a 10. It is these numbers that I am most concerned with, as I feel that this is the realm in which I deserve to be, and not at my merely-above-average 8.3. And I say this not because I'm a high-minded, vain egotist; I merely think that, in comparison to many of the others featured on the site, I should have been rated higher. I mean, look at some of these people who have similar (or higher) rankings:

This tool and I have about the same score!

So does this future serial killer with the cowlick!

So does this guy! And where are his hands? What's he doing down there?

So does this dildo in the robe! Keep that thing closed, please!

So does this wannabe Adam Sandler retard!

So does this fat Andre Agassi on graduation day!

So does this idiot with the bad fade! And get a load of how he described himself: "Hey, my name is John. I'm 22 and a recent college grad. I'm just your average stud... athletic, computer genius($$), and damn cool. What's not to like about that??" How could this ape have a higher score than me?

At least I scored higher than Powder.

And Tom Green.

And this Satan worshipper.

But not higher than this guido bouncer.

Or this fish-fucker.

What is this all about? Are people just trying to be nice to them? Have they been rated by their entire extended friends and family? Have these individuals logged in with hundreds of different screen names to boost their scores? I have no idea. What I do know is that my fragile self-esteem and self-worth is on the line here, and I need your help to fix it. So please, please, please....

visit the following link and rate me by clicking here.

I would appreciate, of course, a 10, but, if you feel inclined to give me a 9, I won't hold it against you. Anything lower, however, simply won't do. I've also filled out the required "Meet Me" information, so if you click on that option you can read my charming little bio, and then decide if you'd like to pursue our relationship further. If this is something that interests you, then by all means go for it. My real concern, however, is for the high numbers. Let that be your first priority. Also, make sure to send the link to as many people as possible, provided they will rank me highly. If you think for some reason they won't, then please don't send it to them.

As a consolation, if you decide to put your own picture on the site, please let me know, and I'll automatically give you a high rating.* That way, it won't be just you helping me out; we'll be helping out each other, which is the way I like to do things. Just imagine if all of us did this - we'd be the hottest people on the site! We'd rule that mother! So go. Now. There is much work to be done.

*This is assuming, of course, that you are attractive, or at least reasonably so. If you are really, really ugly, then I will be forced to rate you accordingly, sorry. There's only so much I can do.

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[email protected] | August 2001 | Issue 17
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