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We love everyone. But it's been a long year and we know that the
best holiday gift we can give to you, our readers, is to make fun of people
who deserve it. For our Christmas Special, Free Williamsburg's bad elf
of the north, Brat Meanly, brings you Mad Tidings...
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The Strokes |
These darlings were hyped
as the second coming of garage rock, but the truth is that I've taken
dumps that rock harder than these Jersey-born prep school boys. Big Lumps
of Coal. |
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The Village Voice |
Most Williamsburgers would still throw
themselves in front of a bus to catch Voice Art Critic Jerry Salz's eye,
but Managing Editor Doug Simmons and Swine Sucker Chris Parker are henceforth
banished from our hood for stealing
an article from FREEwilliamsburg. Loads of Coal! |
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Subway Acrobats |
Gymnastic floor shows during the daily
commute are the stuff that New York is made of, but there's always a ten
year old kid in the crew. He's got a prematurely huge upper body from
being flung at subway poles and walking on his hands down the length of
the car. That's a freak of nature, and naughty, not nice. Coal! |
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Girls in Newsboy Hats |
Leave beanies to Our Gang, Octogenarians,
and idiots who golf. Unless you're going to wear the knickers too, you
look silly. Coal for you! |
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Williamsburg Mews |
"Today, cutting-edge stores, bars
and bistros have made Williamsburg The Place"...And people
say that Free Williamsburg is raising rents. We give them coal! |
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Ari Fleischer |
He can't tell angry assholes like us to
watch what we do and say. Like the smarmy nerd who did all of the school-yard
bullys' homework, Ari hides behind Dick and Dubya's big stick and makes
fun of your mama. He's no Stephanopolis. Coal big time. |
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Ford Trucks |
For still using that goddam
"Like a Rock" song in their ad campaign.
Coal and more coal! |
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John Ashcroft |
For covertly imprisoning thousands illegally,
stomping all over the First Amendment in the name of "patriotism," and
for generally being a dumbass. And lets not forget, he did vote to make
flag burning a crime. SHHH! He's creating a file on us now. An ire for
you. |
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Celery |
Does anyone really like it
anyway?
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People that all of a sudden like bluegrass |
No,
this isn't a new form of American music created during the making of the
"Oh Brother, Where Art Thou" soundtrack. And true fans would never wear
John Deere baseball caps. Dumbasses. |
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People that all of a sudden like Regis |
Despite annoying sidekicks,
he's always been cool.
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Jerry
Falwell and Pat Robertson |
You heard what these fools said after
September 11. At least they inadvertantly reinforced the argument for
keeping abortion legal.... people now wish these two had been aborted
by their mothers. Coal and fire and Brimstone for you! |
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Jerry Bruckheimer |
Just look at this parade of crap . No more! Pearl
Harbor (2001)
Remember the Titans (2000)
Coyote Ugly (2000)
Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000)
Enemy of the State (1998)
Armageddon (1998)
Con Air (1997)
The Rock (1996)
Dangerous Minds (1995)
Crimson Tide (1995)
Bad Boys (1995)
Days of Thunder (1990)
Beverly Hills Cop II (1987)
Top Gun (1986)
Thief of Hearts (1984)
Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
You get a bucket full of coal and a bag full of shit, just like you gave
the American public! |
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Oznot's Dish |
Creative and tasty menu or not, the food
is always served cold and with attitude. You get coal. |
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FBI |
For claiming that airline disaster in
Queens was an accident before an investigation was even performed. Still
seems very fishy! Nothing but coal in your stocking. |
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Corduroys |
Can't wear jeans to the office, too cheap
to buy nice slacks, you get coal! |
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Puffy |
Puffy jackets, puffy vests, puffed wheat.
At least P Diddy had the sense to drop the puffy, though he's still wack.
Coal all around. |
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The L Train |
The Manhattan bound train is too packed
to squeeze onto by the Jefferson stop and this has taken all the subtlty
out of oogling hotties from across the car. And my ass there's a train
directly behind this one.Coal both ways. |
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Snot |
'Tis the season for runny noses. Stick
a lump of coal in it, will you? |
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The Candy Selling Kid |
This poor kid, at all hours, is out hawking
candy out of his cardboard box amongst the drunken throngs of Williamsburg.
I used to have the urge to grab him by the collar and shout, "Who
puts you up to this?", but then I noticed a faint mustache. He's
in on the scam. You deserve Coal! |
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White Guys with Dreadlocks |
There's just no excuse for this. Coal... |
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