We love everyone. But it's been a long year and we know that the best holiday gift we can give to you, our readers, is to make fun of people who deserve it. For our Christmas Special, Free Williamsburg's bad elf of the north, Brat Meanly, brings you Mad Tidings...

 
The Strokes
These darlings were hyped as the second coming of garage rock, but the truth is that I've taken dumps that rock harder than these Jersey-born prep school boys. Big Lumps of Coal.
The Village Voice
Most Williamsburgers would still throw themselves in front of a bus to catch Voice Art Critic Jerry Salz's eye, but Managing Editor Doug Simmons and Swine Sucker Chris Parker are henceforth banished from our hood for stealing an article from FREEwilliamsburg. Loads of Coal!
Subway Acrobats
Gymnastic floor shows during the daily commute are the stuff that New York is made of, but there's always a ten year old kid in the crew. He's got a prematurely huge upper body from being flung at subway poles and walking on his hands down the length of the car. That's a freak of nature, and naughty, not nice. Coal!
Girls in Newsboy Hats
Leave beanies to Our Gang, Octogenarians, and idiots who golf. Unless you're going to wear the knickers too, you look silly. Coal for you!
Williamsburg Mews
"Today, cutting-edge stores, bars and bistros have made Williamsburg The Place"...And people say that Free Williamsburg is raising rents. We give them coal!
Ari Fleischer
He can't tell angry assholes like us to watch what we do and say. Like the smarmy nerd who did all of the school-yard bullys' homework, Ari hides behind Dick and Dubya's big stick and makes fun of your mama. He's no Stephanopolis. Coal big time.
Ford Trucks
For still using that goddam "Like a Rock" song in their ad campaign.
Coal and more coal!
John Ashcroft
For covertly imprisoning thousands illegally, stomping all over the First Amendment in the name of "patriotism," and for generally being a dumbass. And lets not forget, he did vote to make flag burning a crime. SHHH! He's creating a file on us now. An ire for you.
Celery
Does anyone really like it anyway?
People that all of a sudden like bluegrass
No, this isn't a new form of American music created during the making of the "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou" soundtrack. And true fans would never wear John Deere baseball caps. Dumbasses.
People that all of a sudden like Regis
Despite annoying sidekicks, he's always been cool.
Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson
You heard what these fools said after September 11. At least they inadvertantly reinforced the argument for keeping abortion legal.... people now wish these two had been aborted by their mothers. Coal and fire and Brimstone for you!
Jerry Bruckheimer
Just look at this parade of crap . No more!
Pearl Harbor (2001)
Remember the Titans (2000)
Coyote Ugly (2000)
Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000)
Enemy of the State (1998)
Armageddon (1998)
Con Air (1997)
The Rock (1996)
Dangerous Minds (1995)
Crimson Tide (1995)
Bad Boys (1995)
Days of Thunder (1990)
Beverly Hills Cop II (1987)
Top Gun (1986)
Thief of Hearts (1984)
Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
You get a bucket full of coal and a bag full of shit, just like you gave the American public!
Oznot's Dish
Creative and tasty menu or not, the food is always served cold and with attitude. You get coal.
FBI
For claiming that airline disaster in Queens was an accident before an investigation was even performed. Still seems very fishy! Nothing but coal in your stocking.
Corduroys
Can't wear jeans to the office, too cheap to buy nice slacks, you get coal!
Puffy
Puffy jackets, puffy vests, puffed wheat. At least P Diddy had the sense to drop the puffy, though he's still wack. Coal all around.
The L Train
The Manhattan bound train is too packed to squeeze onto by the Jefferson stop and this has taken all the subtlty out of oogling hotties from across the car. And my ass there's a train directly behind this one.Coal both ways.
Snot
'Tis the season for runny noses. Stick a lump of coal in it, will you?
The Candy Selling Kid
This poor kid, at all hours, is out hawking candy out of his cardboard box amongst the drunken throngs of Williamsburg. I used to have the urge to grab him by the collar and shout, "Who puts you up to this?", but then I noticed a faint mustache. He's in on the scam. You deserve Coal!
White Guys with Dreadlocks
There's just no excuse for this. Coal...
 
 
 

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Free Williamsburg© | 93 Berry Street | Brooklyn, NY 11211
[email protected] | December 2001 | Issue 21

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