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I'm unemployed, so between Judge Hatchett and Texas Law I've been reading Newsweek cover-to-cover. When I go out to the bars I'm full of useless factoids that annoy my more politically aware friends and I liberally quote David Ansen whenever the discussion revolves around the "Royal Tannenbaums" or the deeply-controversial "How High." In fact, my opinions and general outlook on life have so been influenced by the NBC-Microsoft-Westinghouse-Phillip-Morris-Kraft-World Domination Inc. conglomerate that I often feel wholly inadequate when George Will says my generation is participating in some postmodern fad in which I am not part of. So, a few months ago, when Newsweek claimed that September 11th had spawned a revival of religious fervor in our Blessed U.S.A. I headed down to Oklahoma to visit some relatives and find out how I too could become active with the rebuilding of the "WTC" or "Walking To Christ!"

Now, I know in New York we have those crrrrraaaaazzzzzyyyyyy kids that run through the subway doing acrobatics and collecting money so that they can go back to their projects and stay off drugs, which is great, but now that I have seen "The Xtreme Team!" here in Oklahoma I want to say to those nice young gangsterz of African Descent… "Excuse me, doing a triple back flip on the A-train over last nights dried vomit is impressive, but do you have Jesus behind you?" Of course they don't and that is why they can only do back-flips and not crush walls of cement like the "Xtreme Team." Yes, you heard me right, the "Xtreme Team," with a wooden cross and the power of the Good Book behind them easily break through walls of ice, cinderblocks doused with gasoline and ignited, and bricks mortared together with pure Oklahoma cement…that's right…you heard me…pure Oklahoma cement! The hardest there is! The Xtreme Team bends frying pans, snaps carriage bolts, and best of all breaks out of real-honest-to-god handcuffs while a State Patrol officer looks on, unable to do anything, because he's off-duty and UNARMED! Take that!

Some of you are probably saying WWJD (What would Jesus do?), which is exactly what I was wondering while watching this performance in flag-bedecked Nacogdoches, Texas but Chet, the lead "Team Xtreme" guy said that Jesus performed miracles of his own. Now, I knew that JC walked on water, but I never knew that he rammed his head through six feet of ice, which, Mike, the newest of the Xtreme Team promptly did after Chet was done speaking. No, Chet said, God worked through Jesus and gave him strength…gives all of us strength to do things that we might never be able to do otherwise, like rip an honest-to-God phone book in half. I swear! And Alex (an ex-NFL linebacker from Green Bay…booooo Green Bay…..Go Jets!!!) even tore through the blue and white pages in the back. He then autographed it and tossed it out to the adoring crowd. I was close to the stage, but Missy Big-hair sitting in front of me was closer and had claws the size of Arkansas and wouldn't shut up about her new possession for the rest of the show. Our Lord and savior warned us about false idols. Missy five-cans of hairspray..donchyou forget it. The road to heaven is narrow.

Anyhow, Craig told us about how in school he was small and all the kids made fun of him for being a Christian. He said that he showed his strength by carrying around a Bible. He said lifting weights and crushing cement was easy compared to carrying the Bible around. Amen Craig, I said, because I've been lugging around a hardback version of Harry Potter in my backpack around NYC for the last few months and the Cross of Christ ain't nothing compared to Rowling's masterpiece. Whoa! Then, Craig told us about how his father once lay on a bed of nails and he then got on top of his father and lifted weights. Did two sets! And his father broke three ribs, but he didn't stop. No siree. He was bench-pressing for JESUS. The audience all had a good laugh at this. Three ribs. That's more than Adam. I just hope Jesus' healthcare didn't have a deductible!

My favorite part of the performance was when Chet gave his sermon. Now, let me tell you about Chet. He's a hunk. He is tan and delicious. Mmmmm good. After Chet broke the handcuffs (he asked the Oklahoma trooper what he would do if a convict broke his handcuffs and the Trooper said he'd shoot 'em -- what a riot!) he brought the wooden cross up to the audience and told the lighting people to make the auditorium dark. Then he asked us if we had been in the WTC on Sept. 11th and had been killed, would we have gone to heaven? Because, he said, if we weren't saved our eternity would look like…darkness.

That sure scared me, like when the Q train goes dark right before DeKalb and I always shout… "Who stole my jewelry!" but really, according to my therapist, Ken, I'm only using comedy as a way to mask my fears. I almost went up on stage and joined Chet in prayer, because, I don't want to die in darkness since these foreign religious zealots are killing people because they think they're right and we're wrong. Hmph. In the end good 'ol G-O-D and J-E-S-U-S will show 'em.

Then, something crazy happened. The lights came back on and Chet was holding the cross and he was crying. Yes, Chet the man who broke handcuffs, was crying. He still wasn't wearing a shirt thank God and the tears were streaming down over his face and onto his rippling muscles. He said that he was nothing compared to Jesus. That he was weak. As the collection envelopes were being passed around, Chet told us how the "Team Xtreme" had been to Cuba and all the women sobbed when they bent frying pans. He said they were so poor they couldn't even afford Teflon! Everyone gasped. But the "Team Xtreme" gave the Los Cubanos their frying pans and taught those Communists to love Jesus all within a few days. Take that Castro! So, thinking of those Teflonless Cubans, I put fifteen bucks in the collection envelope and wrote down my address so I could get a catalogue of their items for sale, i.e. "Team Xtreme" baseball caps, "Team Xtreme" hymnal, and "Team Xtreme" weight set with Jesus' name inscribed on the barbell.

After everyone had assembled on the stage and Chet told us he loved us and passed out free promo packets, we all said goodbye. I felt as if I had really seen the Lord's Son at work and wondered why there weren't more events like this for Jesus. I imagined a WWCF (World Wrestling Christian Federation), a Christian Monster Truck-pull, and even Christian Robot Wars. That would be a stupendous change from shows like "Ellen" and "Will and Grace" where immorality is flaunted and the teachings of Christ are flagrantly violated. Craig told us that there needed to be more prayer in schools and that was why people were killing each other. He and the "Team Xtreme" were now using their strength to "Spearhead" into public schools, and restore "The Faith." He said that, after September 11th and with all those terrorists with fancy ideas running around, we need more God. And I agree dammit! Because after all, only the strength of Jesus and God can stop those crazies! Bring on Christian NASCAR and Christian Bass Fishing, we can restore America one step at a time.

Sorry. I get a little steamed around the glasses even though I got Laser-surgery…he-he-he. "Team Xtreme" Next week I'm going to a Christian rave. That should be fun. Christian techno is DA BOMB! I'll tell you how it goes. I hope I can get in past the bouncer!!!! Check out some more rad pics: http://www.jccministry.com/TeamXtreme.htm

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[email protected] | February 2002 | Issue 23
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