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How to Succeed and Make
Friends…. at Today's Political Rally


Bush really wants to have his war. At this point, weapon inspections, the opinion of the United Nations, and the support of the international community seem completely irrelevant to the clowns controlling the executive branch of our government. Some claim the administration wants to control Iraqi oil. Others suggest Bush Jr. wants to defend his Daddy's honor. Personally, I think he's jealous that Saddam always gets to pose with a gun. Regardless, this impending war is clearly irrational and misguided.

Sadly, many of the groups responsible for organizing the protests are misguided as well. Many antiwar protestors have been appalled to discover countless unannounced topics (such as the world bank and Israel) on the bill at recent rallies. Manipulative tactics such as this by the organizers undermine the war protest and presume a lack of diversity on complex issues. Leaders on the Left cannot assume that there is homogenous thought on all issues. Doing so breathes of fascism as much as anything the Bush administration has done. Regardless, the voice of opposition needs to be heard so attendance is as important as ever. Let's just hope organizers will stop treating protesters like sheep.

Now that I've done some Bush and A.N.S.W.E.R. bashing, onto the satire..... Here's some protest advice for the uninitiated:

Arrive early. Prime protesting spots atop statues and in trees tend to go quickly.

Clean the McDonald's bags out of the floorboard of your car.

If you decide to wear a costume, select one you can use more than once. Grim Reaper and skeleton costumes are very versatile and can be worn at most protests.

Accessorize with a fanny pack filled with Tom's of Maine toothpaste and a deodorant rock.

Avoid wearing Dolce Gabana and Gucci. Clothing made of hemp is always preferable.

Bring your own bongo or tambourine to demonstrate that you're a go-getter.

Face painting can be fashionable but writing "go Packers" on your cheek is an activist faux pas.

Avoid wearing camouflage unless you have a gas mask to accompany, otherwise people may fail to recognize you are being ironic.

If carrying a sign, paint neatly and check your spelling. A "Fuck Chaney" sign is just embarrassing.

Impress strangers with lines like "I got pepper-sprayed 15 times in 2002!"

Should your conversations with other activists begin to lag, talk about how Jerry Brown is a sell out.

End your sentences by saying "dude" instead of the antiquated "man."

Avoid calling cops and thugs in riot gear "fags." Activists prefer to say "fascist" or "pig."

Refrain from discussing last night's Pay-Per-View fight.

Make sure your breath doesn't smell "beefy."

Men who knit score high with activist babes. Women who prefer backpacking gear to purses score high with activist dudes.

When lighting some young hottie's American Spirit, use a burning flag.

Sit indian-style when tired. This is a big activist turn-on.

If you forget what you are protesting just yell "Free Mumia."

-Robert Lanham




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[email protected] | February 2003 | Issue 35
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