July 2007 Movie Preview
by Dave Thomas
Warner Herzog’s “Rescue Dawn”
This month, Transformers and Harry Potter show Shrek, Spidey and Pirates how it’s done. Or, they fail miserably and Hollywood goes into free fall. Either way, there will be a Simpsons movie this month and that’s all that really matters.
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July 6
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TRANSFORMERS
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
The iPhone of summer movies.
WILL IT SUCK?
Picture Pearl Harbor with Autobots. On the other hand, the writers did a lot of Jack of All Trades and Alias and contributed to the Mission Impossible III screenplay so, much as it pains me to say it, there is hope (although the story credit goes to a guy who did Catwoman and The Core). On the other hand, they turned Bumblebee into a fucking Camaro. As difficult as it is for me to write these four words for a Michael Bay film, I have to admit: Early buzz is good.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Being squeezed in between Ratatouille and Harry Potter isn’t the best position in the world, but I think Optimus Prime can hack it. $356mil.
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LICENSE TO WED
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Meet the Reverend
WILL IT SUCK?
Well, you’ve got a director who’s helmed his share of Offices along with one of that show’s stars (John Krasinski). The writers are more or less unkowns and Mandy Moore’s comic timing was pretty much confirmed by her stint on Scrubs. Robin Williams may have jumped the shark a long time ago, but he’s perfectly capable of pulling out the funny if he so chooses (he just hasn’t in a while). All of this doesn’t change the fact that the trailer has about one laugh in it (it involves M.C. Hammer).
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear your little romcom over the sound of giant robots blowing shit up. $38mil.
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JOSHUA
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Wargames prequel. Too obscure? Actually, kid goes all Omen-y without actually being hellspawn.
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is mixed, but you gotta love Sam Rockwell. Trailer and clips are genuinely creepy, and it won the cinematography award at Sundance so, it’s got that going for it.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Hard to say. Indie thrillers only break out every once in a while, but Rockwell could be a good draw. $1mil.
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INTRODUCING THE DWIGHTS
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Son of entertainers tries to start a relationship.
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is good. Brenda Blethyn does her Little Voice thing, apparently, much to critics’ delight.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Few enough people have heard of Little Voice. Almost nobody has heard of this. $500,000.
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RESCUE DAWN
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Christian Bale gets captured by the Viet Cong.
WILL IT SUCK?
Considered, on IMDB anyway, to be writer/director Werner Herzog’s greatest achievement. Even better than Little Dieter Needs to Fly, the doc on which this is based. Also starring Steve Zahn and Jeremy Davies.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Could also be Herzog’s greatest b.o. to date, but that wouldn’t be difficult. $4mil.
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July 13
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CAPTIVITY
(Delayed from May, and then June)
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Model and her chauffeur fall in love while being terrorized by a serial killer. Awww.
WILL IT SUCK?
Did you know that the guy who directed The Killing Fields also directed (uncredited) Super Mario Bros? Well, he directed this, too with a script co-written by Maniac Cop schlockmeister Larry Cohen. Early buzz has this as a lame Saw rip-off.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Note how the trailer tries to spin that whole ad fiasco into some sort of hardcore cred. Might work until people actually see the film and realize it’s much ado about crap. Constant delays make me wonder if they’re ever going to release this. $8mil.
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HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Voldemort in the hizzy.
WILL IT SUCK?
A lot of changes here. David Yates directs off a screenplay from Michael Goldenberg. Yates did Girl in the Cafe, which was nice enough, but wasn’t a Potter film. On the other hand, Mike Newell had non-Potter-y Four Weddings and a Funeral and Donnie Brasco on his jacket and turned in one of the best in the series. Also, Yates did a bunch of eps of a show called State of Play which is supposed to be off the hook, so…
Then you have Goldenberg, the first time they’ve switched screenwriters after Daniell Kloves turned in some sick adaptations. Will the guy who wrote Contact and Peter Pan and, um, Bed of Roses be able to bring it? Good casting as usual. The only surprising thing about Helena Bonham Carter is that she made it this far without being in a Harry Potter film. Imelda Staunton is, from what I hear, an excellent choice for Umbridge and it looks like David Thewlis is back to play gay werewolf Remus Lupin.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Nobody wants to open into Transformers‘ second frame, but I think they’ll be fine. $304mil.
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TALK TO ME
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Good Morning, D.C.
WILL IT SUCK?
It’s hard to go wrong casting Don Cheadle and Chiwetel Ejiofor in the same film. Unless the script sucks. The co-writers have The Wood, She Hate Me and Brown Sugar between them, so it’s a decidedly mixed bag. Also, Kasi Lemmons is directing, and she’s gotten props for The Caveman’s Valentine and Eve’s Bayou. Early buzz is good.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
With the right marketing, this could do well. $9mil.
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INTERVIEW
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Steve Buscemi interviews Sienna Miller.
WILL IT SUCK?
People forget how good a writer/director Buscemi is. Here he adapts a film by slain director Theo Van Gogh. Early buzz is good.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
People also forget how poorly his films often do. $1mil.
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DRAMA/MEX
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Crazy stories in Acapulco.
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is mixed, but people seem to like the Inarritu-ish mixing of stories.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Needs more exposure. $250,000.
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MY BEST FRIEND
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Guy tries to prove that he has friends.
WILL IT SUCK?
Daniel Auteuil is one busy motherfucker. He was just in The Valet and now he teams with Patrice Leconte for the third time to do this. While this isn’t considered one of Leconte’s best (like The Girl on the Bridge, also with Auteuil), it’s got good buzz.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
It’s actually more crowded now for indies than for mainstream films. $1mil.
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SHORTCUT TO HAPPINESS
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Too bad they couldn’t come up with a better title. Based on The Devil and Daniel Webster. Yup. Titles are tough.
WILL IT SUCK?
The fact that this has been around since 2001 might be the only indication that this might suck. It’s directed by Alec Baldwin, but for all we know he’s Tartovsky. It’s got a good cast (Baldwin as Jabez Stone, Anthony Hopkins as Daniel Webster, Jennifer Love Hewitt as Scratch as well as Dan Akroyd, Kim Catrall, Bobby Cannavale, Jon Savage and Jason Patric) – okay, an interesting cast. And a screenplay that mixes the talents of Bill Condon (Dreamgirls, Chicago, Gods and Monsters, Kinsey) and Peter Dexter (Mullholland Falls, Michael). Okay, maybe there are a few indications.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
If the Yari Film Group had any confidence in this film, you would have heard of it by now. $500,000.
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July 20
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HAIRSPRAY
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
From movie to musical to movie – just like The Producers.
WILL IT SUCK?
This is John Waters as reimagined by the director of Bringin’ Down the House and The Pacifier and the writer of Pay It Forward and Look Who’s Talking Now (to be fair, she also wrote a kick-ass remake of Freaky Friday). It’s hard to imagine this going well.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Other than the second frame of Harry Potter (and the first frame of Chuck and Larry – not exactly the same demo, strangely), there’s really not much competition. $49mil.
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I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Adam Sandler and Kevin James have to pretend to be gay in order to keep living with Janet and Chrissy. Or something like that.
WILL IT SUCK?
Dennis Dugan has directed such classics as The Benchwarmers, National Security and Saving Silverman. On the other hand, Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor have written all those, well, Alexander Payne movies. Who will win?
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
When he sticks to his wheelhouse, Sandler’s damn near unstoppable. $124mil.
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SUNSHINE
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Someone turned out the pilot light on the sun. A group of astronauts go to relight it.
WILL IT SUCK?
Normally I’d dismiss this as so much The Core bunk, but Danny Boyle is directing with his 28 Days Later compatriots Alex Garland writing and Cillian Murphy starring. That and with it’s staggered worldwide release it’s garnered plenty of praise.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Could be a sleeper hit. $44mil.
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GOYA’S GHOSTS
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Story of Goya and his muse.
WILL IT SUCK?
The main criticism here seems to be that it doesn’t achieve its lofty goals, even with Milos Forman directing and Natalie Portman, Stellan Skarsgard and Javier Bardem (guess which one plays Goya – nope, Skarsgard) on board. Interestingly, the film was nominated for three Goyas (Spanish Oscars) but won zero. Also, this is probably the only film about which you can say, “…and starring Randy Quaid as King Carlos IV.”
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Another old-timey creative type gets a movie next week, but that one doesn’t have any stars. $1mil.
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CASHBACK
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Art student works in a supermarket.
WILL IT SUCK?
I’ve seen the short on which this is based and it’s…okay. I don’t know if I’d watch it for two hours though. Early buzz is mixed.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Needs more buzz. $750,000.
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July 27
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SKINWALKERS
(Delayed from March.)
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Kind of like Underworld without the vampires. Or 1/12 the budget.
WILL IT SUCK?
From the director of Jason X. Wait. Where are you going?
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
About as well as Blood and Chocolate. $4mil.
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THE SIMPSONS MOVIE
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
How could that possibly matter?
WILL IT SUCK?
Probably not. Simpsons is like pizza. It’s always good. And they’ve pulled out all the stops. The director has been with them from the very beginning (literally, he directed Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire) and the massive screenwriting team reads like a who’s who of classic Simpsons writers. And the trailers have been increasingly hilarious.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Good, but not great. $129mil.
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I KNOW WHO KILLED ME
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Lindsay Lohan survives an attack with no memory of her ordeal. But is it really her? Or her twin!? Dun-dun-dun!!!
WILL IT SUCK?
Let’s go over the things I know…
…what you did last summer.
…why the caged bird sings.
…that my first name is Steven.
…and, now, who killed me. Boy, I’m smart. As far as this goes, however, the only exciting thing is that Lonelygirl15 is making her big screen debut.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Just My Luck couldn’t pack ‘em in. And that was before rehab. $18mil.
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NO RESERVATIONS
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Catherine Zeta-Jones gets all humanized when gets guardianship of Little Miss Sunshine. And she cooks some stuff. Probably gets it on with Aaron Eckhart, too. It’s a rich tapestry.
WILL IT SUCK?
A remake of Mostly Martha which, by most accounts, will be hard to top. Directed by Scott Hicks, from whom we haven’t really heard since Shine. Early buzz isn’t great.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
I think audiences may have cooled on Zeta-Jones. $35mil.
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WHO’S YOUR CADDY?
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Black Men Can’t Golf
WILL IT SUCK?
I think this sums it up nicely.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Remember Soul Plane? $14mil.
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ARCTIC TALE
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
An Inconvenient March of the Polar Bears…and Walruses
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is good but warns of “treacly” narration which is not surprising since this is the first doc trailer I’ve ever seen with fart jokes.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
It’s not gonna do Penguins or even Truth numbers, but it’ll play. $2mil.
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THIS IS ENGLAND
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Coming of age story about a boy who becomes a skinhead in Thatcher’s England.
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz has this as writer/director Shane Meadows (Dead Man’s Shoes, Once Upon a Time in the Midlands) best film yet. Won the Best Independent British Film at the British Independent Film Awards.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Even with a name (Paddy Considine), Meadows’ last film (Dead Man’s Shoes) had trouble getting traction. $500,000.
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MOLIERE
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Famous French playwright plays Cyrano for rich benefactor trying to woo a young lady.
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is good. Trailer has “wacky guy” narration, but I’m hoping the film is better than that. In case you were wondering, none of this ever happened, but the film takes place in the period of the playwright’s life that no one knows about so, maybe it did.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
The Ten has indie comedy with recognizable stars the following week. $500,000.
Next Month: Everyone knows Jackie Chan is back, but I’m far more psyched about Jet Li playing a villain again.
