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You've probably heard the rumors, Starbucks is coming to Williamsburg. Or are they? The rumors are out there, but we cannot find anyone to substantiate them.

Regardless, an anonymous friend of Free Williamsburg recently contacted the company and below is the response that she received. If Starbucks really cares about the communities they infiltrate, then why can't they answer a simple question?! Please let us know if you have any information on this topic.



Dear Name Withheld,


Thank you for taking the time to e-mail Starbucks Coffee Company.

Unfortunately, I am unable to confirm the opening of a location in
Williamsburg (Brooklyn, NY). However, I recommend checking the website periodically for updates.

Thank you again for contacting Starbucks. If you have any further questions or concerns, please contact us at [email protected] or call (800) 23-LATTE to speak with a customer relations representative.

Sincerely,
Elizabeth
Customer Relations
Starbucks Coffee Company


I am Yuppie, Hear Me Roar


DEAR FREE WILLIAMSBURG:
Y'know, I've lived in Williamsburg now for about 2 years and yes I am one of the enemy (apparently). I used to love walking home seeing all the Yuppie Go Home graffiti all over the place and wishing I had some spray paint to write right next to one of these free advice columns, "Not only ain't I goin' home, I'm inviting my friends over to stay".

Don't you hip, cool (or is it deck) people understand how the world works. You don't want people with actual jobs to move into your neighborhood? Don't you realize that a few trustfund baby artists (well at least that's what you tell people you are) are the actual problem. It's not the Yuppies.

This was a perfectly nice Polish neighborhood before you guys decided to move in, open up your hip bars, and generally make the area more inhabitable for the Yuppies. I know I wouldn't be paying 2 grand a month on a 2 bedroom in this neighborhood if it wasn't for what you've done to the neighborhood.(I'm not actually paying that but apparently that's what the places near Bedford are going for. To be honest I wouldn't even consider paying that too live in Billburg)

Don't get me wrong, I love this neighborhood. I'm going to the rally's to stop the powerplants (another thing you'd have no chance against without Yuppies being in the area, and still probably have no chance against). I fit in better with the whole anti-establishment world, I really dig alterna-chicks (Williamsburg is one of the few places where telling a girl you work on Wall St. is a sure fire way to strike out). But it's so irritating hearing the anti-yuppie sentiment after a while. How all your favorite bars are getting overrun, all your apartments are leaving your price range. Well, it's your fault so get over it. In fact, all the bitching and moaning...it's just soooo 1993.

Oh and one more thing...the way you guys rebuttal all the letters you get is like watching my brothers kids say "Oh yeah....!" It really looks pathetic. But other than that, I like the site, keep it up, just stop whining.

- Name Withheld


The "pathetic" rebuttal:

Um... who's whining again?

- Free Williamsburg


Creepy Letter to Maya Fox


Dearest Maya:

Maya FoxHow should I put this? I love you. There, I've said it. I feel simultaneously relieved and nervous; relieved to have finally confessed to you my desire, the passion for every ounce of your body and brain that has been welling up since I first read your column; nervous for the simple fact that: what if you don't like me? What if this is all for naught, my confession, my desire, my love, all for nothing? This, I'm afraid, is too much for me to bear, so I shall simply put it out of my head.

In the meantime, Maya, dear, sweet Maya, let's talk about US. While we have never met, or even spoke, and I have no idea what you look like, how old you are, or even if you're really a woman, I don't care. I know you. Simply from your responses to those troubled souls you've helped through your brilliant column, your wonderful wit and wisdom, I know you. Deeply. Truly. Madly. I don't know what else to say, accept that we belong together, that we are meant to be as one, and that I am more certain about this than anything on earth. Therefore, Maya my love, come away with me, become the Queen to my King, Bride to my Groom, J.Lo to my Puffy, etc, etc. Separate, we are nothing. Together, we can rule the world. What do you say?

- Love, Maya Lover



The Brooklyn Loft Mosquito Power Crisis


Last month we ran a spoof entitled The Brooklyn Loft Mosquito Power Crisis, and similar to our Real World joke, some didn't get it:


DEAR FREE WILLIAMSBURG:
So you are saying it was a joke? I am worrying about losing my loft and you think it's a joke?

- Name Withheld

DEAR FREE WILLIAMSBURG:
We are interested in making a documentary

How does this (the alleged crisis) affect people in the arts/technology.

Abfab.com StreamTV is not just about the tech side of the arts but it is a lifestyles show as well. We have several proposals up grants too and who knows - if we get some good footage.

I guess first - i would have to come out there and be introduced to the subject. and get some background.

Next week i'm on a shoot in Tampa so it would have to be sometime in the middle of July but before August cause we're getting ready for the Source Music Awards which we're webcasting.

- Name Withheld

Will Bill Moyers be directing?

- Free Williamsburg

That Poster Again

In response to a promotional poster we did months ago, we are delighted to see that someone finally enjoyed our sense of humor. Click here if you missed all the previous mail generated by this poster. Click here to see the poster.

DEAR FREE WILLIAMSBURG:
I also found your Asian waiter offensive. I also found Kato offensive, both in the Green Hornet series and the Pink Panther movies. And Lucy Ling's role, or "roll" as in "roll in the hay for pay," in Ally McBeal offends me. So does the Iron Chef. It's like you and the rest of the pop culture "dictators" out there think that Asians are nothing more than waiter-whore-karate-chefs. And the people at the table being attended by the Asian waiter offended me. Do you think all white people are overfed, tactless, imperialist simpletons in garish shirts?

And I couldn't help noticing that all the people in the background of your racist flyer were in "shadow," a la TIME's OJ Simpson cover. And what's up with your mediareview font? Are you suggesting that we bring back the inquisition or something? I examined it, and if you rearrange the letters in freewilliamsburg and add a couple, it spells "racist scribe." What you call "kitsch," I call "hate." Take the "itsch" out of "kitsch" and it's "k." Multiply that times three, and what do you have? Damn you. Marq Cooper, A Fierce Intellectual Defender of the American Way for All Peoples in the New Millennium of Harmonious Racializing for All Peoples

- Name Withheld

At Least We are Honest


DEAR FREE WILLIAMSBURG:
Ok, was the reviewer in a bad mood the day he wrote that (the Black Betty review) or is he just an ass hole?

most people don't drink gin anymore, times change and so do bartending rules - so it's ok for the bartender to assume vodka. and fuck you you POOR dotcommer. not everyone made truckloads of dough - including myself and i've been in this industry far before the freakin gold rush.

Why don't you try writing something original besides the same old bullshit.

- Name Withheld


F. SOT'S RESPONSE:
To quote the weed metal band, Clutch, "Is you stupid or is you just high?" Your email, as any fool can see, verges on illiteracy and incoherence. First- I'm not a dot-commer and never proclaimed to be. Yes, I am deeply involved in http://www.AlcoholReviews.com. But the majority of my earnings comes from the work I do at a university.

Second, sorry to hear that you failed to cash in on the late 90s Internet goldrush. Sucks to be you. Third, the martini has historically been a gin based drink. Yes, vodka martinis have become very popular. However, for a bartender or server to simply ASSUME that an order for a martini means vodka is just stupid. A smart bartender would either make it a gin martini or, if they were feeling cautious, ASK the customer whether he or she wants gin or vodka. Dumbass.

- F. Sot


F. Sot Again and the Case of the High-Pitched Tenement

DEAR FREE WILLIAMSBURG:

My roommate just printed out your Restaurant and Bar Guide and I absolutely love it. Like a nerd, I've read it twice and am looking forward to reading it again. Please tell me to fuck off for even suggesting this, but there were only two things that were less than perfect. Enid's is a beautiful little place but isn't there something awful about how everyone stares/gives dirty looks to whoever walks in? I used to live near it so I went there a few times and it killed me every time. I also hate how the girl guy ratio is an unhealthy 1 to 4. I can't handle watching 4 Buddy Holly glassed dudes clamoring for the attention of one non descript girl who, thanks to the crappy ratio, thinks she's the shit.

The other thing I disagreed with in your wonderful review was the one on Stinger. On the weekends it is indeed the most happening place, but I think it's important to note that half the patrons are, as the Village Voice would say, "Homo Thugs" and I'm sincere when I say that I don't think I've met a group of more polite and gentle guys in my life. As bodies inevitably bump in the packed bar, you are guaranteed of getting a soft touch and a whispered "excuse me, are you all right" sort of line.

I am also writing to you because I have an idea for an article I'd like to submit. I could do a report on the house at the southeast corner of Bedford and North 4th street. Whenever I walk by, I always hear a ridiculous high-pitched sound coming out of it. The sound is so high pitched that it's painful to men but women can barely hear it. Someone once told me and I think I read it somewhere, that most men focus on treble while most women focus on bass. I've done little experiments and found that it's true. I also think it makes sense that humans have evolved this way because it makes deep voiced men enjoy the sound of high voiced women and vice versa. Anyway, the noise and building are quite creepy. So far I've only done a little bit of reconnaissance, but I've noticed two signs on the steel fence around it. One says "Don't Pick the Flowers" and the other says not to let your dog pee on the bushes. What sort of people live here?

I would like to get to the bottom of this mystery but am a little scared. Has anyone reported on this yet, and if they haven't would you like me to check it out?

- Name Withheld


Thanks for the kind words and we look forward to getting to the bottom of this mystery. Sounds like Hardy Boys plot.

- Free Williamsburg


The Hipster Handbook - see the article here


No 'hipster' I know (at least the ones in Manhattan, you know, the REAL New York) goes to SUBurban Outfitters. Maybe you Billyburgers haven't caught that trend yet. It really is so very 1995.

- Marisa


In case you missed the joke, The Hipster Handbook was SATIRE! Perhaps in the "Real" New York, humor is no longer fashionable.

-Free Williamsburg

DEAR FREE WILLIAMSBURG -

I have lived on Bedford Ave. for almost 2 years and I thought your parody of Real World was extremely funny and obviously satirical. Very "Onion-esque". The jerk-offs in this neighborhood take themselves too seriously and should go trailblaze a new hipster Promised Land in Redhook. P.S.

After 3 years of eating at Vera Cruz, I am finally boycotting them for raising prices when business is booming and for maintaining the lowest standards of service possible without actually serving yourself.

Name withheld




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