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Futurevision presents:
The VP Debates

Now that Senator Kerry has chosen John Edwards as his running mate, the media is bubbling. The big question is not, what will the candidates do about the continuing genocide in Sudan, but how would the nearly irrelevant VP debate go? The consensus is that Edwards will be cute and Cheney will have a heart attack. Fortunately, with the power of Futurevision (we're using that powerful lens that was one of the myriad plot devices in the movie Paycheck, which you really should check out. It's awful.) we're able to watch that debate now. Take a peek, so the debate can fail to influence your vote that much earlier. Be warned that through a bug in the Futurevision transcriber, John Edward's ever-thickening accent is rendered horribly.

Jim Lehrer: As has been determined by both parties, the format of this debate is ludicrous. Predetermined questions will be lobbed by me at the candidates, and they still won't answer them. All third parties are being ignored, and the candidates will stand at lecterns, as Cheney trashed Lieberman at the last sit-down. Both candidates will stand on boxes. Now for opening comments.

John Edwards: The Ahmerican people are sick of negative politics, so Ah would like to positively and sunnily say that the Bush administration is the worst Pres-o-dency in tha' history of the United States, both 1 and 2. Y'see, there are two Ahmericas, maybe even three or four. Cheney/Bush are rotten in each of them. Vice President Cheney is a corporate stooge fer Halliburton. Sure Ah voted for the war, but Ah didn't know it would actually kill people. That's the difference between Cheney/Bush and Kerry/Edwards.

Dick Cheney: Go fuck yourself.

Jim Lehrer: All right, let's go to the irrelevant questions. Mr. Edwards, do you have a way to make Social Security and Medicare solvent, short of raising taxes?

John Edwards: Y'see, that goes straight to my earlier point about there being two Ahmericas. People in the first Ahmerica are getting' th' money, and the people in th' second Ahmerica are gonna vote for me. Did I mention my "Two Americas" theme yet? Or Vice President Cheney's ties to Halliburton?

Dick Cheney: Go fuck yourself.

Whoopi Goldberg: See, a Bush is another name for pussy, see? So you've got to lick that Bush. Fuck that Bush, see? A Bush is a vagina, so the president's a vagina. You've got to rub that vagina, see? Get it? Bush? President BUSH? Get it, see? He's a vagina.

Jim Lehrer: Excuse me, Ms. Goldberg, but it is totally inappropriate for you to be speaking at this debate.

Whoopi Goldberg: You let me talk, or I'll make another movie or host another awards show or something.

Jim Lehrer: Please continue.

Whoopi Goldberg: So Bush is a pussy, see? You've got to, ah…have sex with that Bush. He's a bunch of ladies' pubic hairs, see? Get it, Bush?

John Edwards: That's just what Ahm talkin' about. The two Americas…

Dick Cheney: Go fuck yourself.

Whoopi Goldberg: …Bush, see?…

Jim Lehrer: All right, since this has already broken down, let's see if I could slip in a substantive question. What would you do about Sudan?

John Edwards: Sure, I'll sue Dan. I'll sue anybody!

Dick Cheney: Sudan has ties to Al Queda. We're still looking for WMD's, I've just had a heart attack. Go fuck yourself.

John Edwards: There are two Halliburtons! There are two vaginas!

Whoopi Goldberg: That's right. Vaginas. Bushes. You've got to ah…

Jim Lehrer: That's all the time we have. Good night.

The debate will be followed by analysis from professional spinners and supposed journalists, none of whom will point out the pointlessness of the exercise, or the paucity of ideas being presented. Then America will sink even further into shallowness. What's that, sinking into shallowness? Isn't that metaphorically wrong? No dude, it's deep. The shallowness is deep.

Whoopi Goldberg:
See, even though it's shallow, we're still sinking into it, like a melting ice cube, or a pussy, see?

Ms. Goldberg, please, it doesn't even make sense for there to be dialogue in these descriptive closing words.

Whoopi Goldberg: I'm everywhere.

That's a chilling thought.

--- Dan Killian

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