Phone Sex Primer
pleasure can be a wonderful thing. With all the free minutes
of my Sprint PCS (loosely translated to PieCe of Shit) plan,
I have taken advantage of my verbal skills, getting off
without the fuss and muss of physical contact.
In days of HIV and Chlamydia (the disease that sounds like
a soup), I wholeheartedly embrace the format of phone sex.
Of all things I am expert at, I would have to rank aural
sex pretty high on my list.
How did your lovely Undersider become the voluble goddess
she is today? Practice, imagination and brazen horniness,
not to mention a fabulously perverted vocabulary (from years
of talking dirty, but that's another conversation). Plus
phone sex is a no fuss no muss situation, getting off easily
through your local Telco. No dating preliminaries to cut
into your schedule, no need to change into lingerie and
heels, no need to slather on the makeup. Just the agreed
exchange of fantasy and verbal stimulation.
Granted, not everyone can or will engage in phone sex.
Some folks find it a disconnected experience, cheapening
their experience as a human being. Some are just too shy
and inhibited. And there are some folks who shouldn't try
phone sex, period, cause they are just too damn weird and/or
For those of you wanting to try vocal arousal, let me suggest
a few points of etiquette and some examples of truly inspiring
1. You have to start somewhere: The obvious "what
are you wearing" shouldn't be the first line after
hello. Try some small talk, mention what you find interesting
about the other person, get their mental/emotional temperature
and then hit 'em with the ol' attire rundown.
2. Start with the physical: Did you meet online? Randomly
through friends? Have you seen each other in person? No?
Then have a picture of yourself ready to email or posted
online somewhere. No, you don't have to be naked or dressed
in lingerie. Be yourself, look into the camera and smile
just a bit. Of course, if this turns into a webcam thing,
be aware those screen captures can end up in some very unscrupulous
hands. Keep it simple and mostly verbal, if you can, describing
yourself in a positive way. This is not a time to talk about
how big your butt is or how you hate your breast size. Enticing
your caller is about confidence and being comfortable with
your bodacious bod.
3. Ask about fantasies: Do you or your caller have a fantasy
that you'd always wanted to try but never had the nerve
to? Well here's the perfect place to act out that fantasy.
Take the plunge and explore every detail, every option,
every sensory thrill you might be able to describe. Don't
go for the obvious, if it isn't something that you are interested
in - a ménage a trios is only truly interesting to
those who really have a fantasy about it. You are supposed
to be passionate about this conversation, not hesitant and
4. Use the power of sound: As you both move toward actual
masturbation, moan as if it was your caller's hands on your
tasty bits. Lose yourself in the vision of the two of you
entwined in some extraordinary embrace. The heavy breathing,
moaning and sighing are part of the experience. Sharing
that is as much of a thrill as the words being spoken.
5. Vocabulary, vocabulary, vocabulary: Yes, from the SATs
to phone sex, vocabulary is so very important. The same
old lines from Penthouse letters can be predictable, impersonal
and strangely out of place for your conversation. Instead
of watching porn for what the bubblehead silicon Barbies
are shouting out these days, try saying how you feel physically
in your own way. Simile and metaphor can be great stimulators
if you can make the other person truly understand what you
mean. If it's personal, its believable - conviction is sexy.
6. Delivery means being real: Don't try to be a porn star,
a pimp or a dominatrix if that's not who you truly are.
Sure, try out a role if you want to, but don't let the stereotype
color the whole experience. You'll be seen as caricature
of who you really are, not a sexy imaginatrix. Don't be
a Mr. Furley!
7. Switch on/off: Sharing is caring, dammit. One of you
may cum first. That doesn't mean the conversation is over.
In fact, if you keep switching off, you may find yourself
talking all night. And afterward, don't just say a quick
thanks or promise the moon. Chat for a bit and make plans
only if you truly want to - for a meet in person or another
call. Be honest if you don't plan to call again. If this
was a phone booty call, tell them so.
8. For long distance lovers: These days, there seems to
be a boom in long distance loving. Phone sex supplements
the real thing while apart. But make sure if you are in
a full-on relationship, you don't make the first and most
often thing you do phone sex. Be fluent in expression of
love, interest in the other's life and what's going on in
the world. Sharing EVERYTHING is caring.
That should get you started on the way to being regular
dirty caller. Keep your cell fully charged and fresh batteries
in your favorite toy!
By Melissa Ulto
multo.com © 2003