Phone Sex Primer

Aural pleasure can be a wonderful thing. With all the free minutes of my Sprint PCS (loosely translated to PieCe of Shit) plan, I have taken advantage of my verbal skills, getting off without the fuss and muss of physical contact.

In days of HIV and Chlamydia (the disease that sounds like a soup), I wholeheartedly embrace the format of phone sex. Of all things I am expert at, I would have to rank aural sex pretty high on my list.

How did your lovely Undersider become the voluble goddess she is today? Practice, imagination and brazen horniness, not to mention a fabulously perverted vocabulary (from years of talking dirty, but that's another conversation). Plus phone sex is a no fuss no muss situation, getting off easily through your local Telco. No dating preliminaries to cut into your schedule, no need to change into lingerie and heels, no need to slather on the makeup. Just the agreed exchange of fantasy and verbal stimulation.

Granted, not everyone can or will engage in phone sex. Some folks find it a disconnected experience, cheapening their experience as a human being. Some are just too shy and inhibited. And there are some folks who shouldn't try phone sex, period, cause they are just too damn weird and/or boring.

For those of you wanting to try vocal arousal, let me suggest a few points of etiquette and some examples of truly inspiring sexual repartee:

1. You have to start somewhere: The obvious "what are you wearing" shouldn't be the first line after hello. Try some small talk, mention what you find interesting about the other person, get their mental/emotional temperature and then hit 'em with the ol' attire rundown.

2. Start with the physical: Did you meet online? Randomly through friends? Have you seen each other in person? No? Then have a picture of yourself ready to email or posted online somewhere. No, you don't have to be naked or dressed in lingerie. Be yourself, look into the camera and smile just a bit. Of course, if this turns into a webcam thing, be aware those screen captures can end up in some very unscrupulous hands. Keep it simple and mostly verbal, if you can, describing yourself in a positive way. This is not a time to talk about how big your butt is or how you hate your breast size. Enticing your caller is about confidence and being comfortable with your bodacious bod.

3. Ask about fantasies: Do you or your caller have a fantasy that you'd always wanted to try but never had the nerve to? Well here's the perfect place to act out that fantasy. Take the plunge and explore every detail, every option, every sensory thrill you might be able to describe. Don't go for the obvious, if it isn't something that you are interested in - a ménage a trios is only truly interesting to those who really have a fantasy about it. You are supposed to be passionate about this conversation, not hesitant and bored.

4. Use the power of sound: As you both move toward actual masturbation, moan as if it was your caller's hands on your tasty bits. Lose yourself in the vision of the two of you entwined in some extraordinary embrace. The heavy breathing, moaning and sighing are part of the experience. Sharing that is as much of a thrill as the words being spoken.

5. Vocabulary, vocabulary, vocabulary: Yes, from the SATs to phone sex, vocabulary is so very important. The same old lines from Penthouse letters can be predictable, impersonal and strangely out of place for your conversation. Instead of watching porn for what the bubblehead silicon Barbies are shouting out these days, try saying how you feel physically in your own way. Simile and metaphor can be great stimulators if you can make the other person truly understand what you mean. If it's personal, its believable - conviction is sexy.

6. Delivery means being real: Don't try to be a porn star, a pimp or a dominatrix if that's not who you truly are. Sure, try out a role if you want to, but don't let the stereotype color the whole experience. You'll be seen as caricature of who you really are, not a sexy imaginatrix. Don't be a Mr. Furley!

7. Switch on/off: Sharing is caring, dammit. One of you may cum first. That doesn't mean the conversation is over. In fact, if you keep switching off, you may find yourself talking all night. And afterward, don't just say a quick thanks or promise the moon. Chat for a bit and make plans only if you truly want to - for a meet in person or another call. Be honest if you don't plan to call again. If this was a phone booty call, tell them so.

8. For long distance lovers: These days, there seems to be a boom in long distance loving. Phone sex supplements the real thing while apart. But make sure if you are in a full-on relationship, you don't make the first and most often thing you do phone sex. Be fluent in expression of love, interest in the other's life and what's going on in the world. Sharing EVERYTHING is caring.

That should get you started on the way to being regular dirty caller. Keep your cell fully charged and fresh batteries in your favorite toy!

By Melissa Ulto
multo.com © 2003