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A Turn in London, Part II
by Oliver Turner

(read Part 1)

London has broken me and so last weekend I went to stay with my older sister Rachel, her husband Chris and my two nieces at their house in the country.

The girls, Rebecca and Hannah were fun and cute, the weather was good and bracing, and the countryside was amazing. Everything reminded me of the Hobbit village in The Lord of the Rings, and the twice daily walks we took en famille were always fun and invigorating. They live in a village called Stert, in the Southwest of England in a region that's famous for its crop circles, hippie gatherings, and druid history. We saw the largest earthen mound in Europe and crawled into a big stone tomb that was three thousand years old.

In the evening I would watch videos of two terrifically funny TV shows, Father Ted and Alan Partridge, while drinking wine and then a bit of whiskey with Chris. After that I would go to bed and sleep like a baby thanks to the walks and drinks.

During my second night, I was woken by the aggressive purrs of Dooley the family cat. Dooley is a female cat that was named after one of the biggest and toughest rugby players in England because she looks menacing, constantly kills birds and mice, and often attacks guests and the children to the point of drawing blood. The children still love her and that's why she stays. Anyway, Dooley was sounding friendly and soon started licking my exposed ear. I was half asleep and didn't want to get my eye slashed out, so I pulled the duvet over between me and the cat. Dooley wasn't done with me of course, and only dragged her fat body over my head and pillow and tried to get at me again from the other side. Goddamn it Dooley, I thought, and using the duvet as a shield pushed the cat off the bed.

I didn't like the idea of laying my head on a pillow covered in cat hair, so I flipped it over. 2 minutes later, Dooley jumped back on the bed and lay down right next to me like cats do. For some reason I decided to let her be, but after five minutes I realized that I couldn't sleep because I was trying to stay perfectly still for Dooley's sake. I kicked her out and I quickly fell asleep. I don't know how much later it was that I started to wake up. In my dreamy state I thought an electric blanket had just been turned on. My right thigh was suddenly feeling very warm and pressed upon. The feeling was spreading very quickly, all over my lap. What the hell is going on, I thought. I couldn't figure out why part of the duvet was clinging to my leg in such a warm and wet way. Yes, fucking Dooley had pissed on me.

For a moment I thought it might have been me and I was rocked with shame but thank god it wasn't. The air reeked of that unmistakable cat urine smell. There was so much of it I couldn't believe it. I almost barfed when I turned the lights on and saw that the front of my white boxer shorts were wet and yellow with strong, yellow cat pee. The duvet was heavy with it and I was now wide awake. What do I do now? I went to the bathroom to clean myself off and to pee like a human being. While I was in the bathroom, 6 year old Rebecca knocked on the door. I told her what had happened and we both said "Dooley!" and shook our heads a few times.

I went back to my room and sat down in shock. Thank God Rebecca went into Rachel's room and told her Mother that Dooley had wheed on Oliver. After a quick moment of skeptism, Rachel brilliantly whipped into action and soon the three of us were stripping the bed sheets, flipping the mattress over and bringing in new linens and blankets. All anyone could say were things like "that bloody cat" and "Dooley!" It seems that I had closed the door to my room without realizing that Dooley was inside, but that's not an excuse and Dooley was still in absolute disgrace. In moments, a very cute and sleepy eyed Hannah (age 4) walked in. Quite understandably, it took Hannah a minute to grasp what had happened. And then she gave a ringing, "Dooley!" as well.

Rachel asked her what she would have done if Dooley had wheed on her. Hannah, Dooley's steadfast victim and defender, said that she would have thrown her out the window. We were all pretty whipped up. It took me a half an hour to get back to sleep but Rebecca and Hannah never did. They instead played some very silly games that had to do with the recent drama.

It was ten days ago and I am still traumatized.

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