Let Me Entertain You…

Undersider: the denizens of Lower Eastside, Chelsea, Williamsburg, Bronx and Queens, who cling to the last vestiges of affordable rent and arts in the city; makers of counter-culture, alternative spaces and lifestyles; prone to disliking media description based on generation, sexual orientation or consumer profile; aversions include the term "slacker", malls, suburbia, the moral majority, republicans, fanatical thought or religion, closed minds and doors; sexual contact is limited to like minded beings, unless there exists a cultural predisposition to SUVs and ranch housing; foibles of the undersider have been depicted in commercially unsuccessful films like "Slacker", but the undersider prefers it that way; new generations of undersiders flock to havens of low rent and alternative arts/lifestyles, the nexus being Williamsburg…

So what the hell is this undersider business?

Let me entertain you and introduce myself. I will be your low-paid-artsy-chic-who-likes-sex-of-all-kinds tour guide through my life in New York City. Think of me as a polar opposite to Candace Bushnell - I am grungy, I like everything related to sex, I enjoy talking about all the details and relating it back to culture, society and why perhaps life in general is so fucked up. Yes, I will swear, but I will keep it relative, if you know what I mean. Through me, you get a tour of sex, relationships and New York. Call me Miss Five Boroughs & Bridge and Tunnel 2002 - I have lived everywhere in this city - Woodside, Upper East Side, Spanish Harlem, Chelsea, the West 80's, the East 60's, Park Slope, Greenpoint, Marble Hill, and the outers regions too - Pelham, Madison, Montclair. In fact, I am currently looking - I guess my destination is based on price, pests and privacy. When you live in New York, you really never stop looking.

It's the same with relationships. Lets be honest - I am a woman, and I was in fact married for a few years. I've lived with men as roommates and lovers. So I shit you not when I say I have never stopped looking. Its not that I am trying to get a better deal - a trade up to a more powerful model, with more options and a great leather seat. I am a voyeur of masculine beauty. I love looking at a man's jaw line; the five o'clock shadow gets me hot. The bone structure of a man's face is different, sexy, harder, and yet, there is that pliable sweetness of human flesh that men find so sexy in women's softness. I love shoulders, legs, butts, arms, hands, and most of all, noses…yes, I have a nasal fetish of sorts. And eyes, of course - I believe all eyes are interesting if you look straight into them and get some sort of unexpected surrendered revelation.

And I will bare it all - what anal sex feels like, why I choose the men I do, what my friends do and don't do in the name of relationships. I will definitely talk about bisexuality, love, hate, breakups, the significance of hearing Weezer's "Island in the Sun" and why it makes me sad and horny all at once. And while I won't always be so brash, I will certainly be straight. I am a no bullshit kind of girl.

If you have anything you want to ask or want me to explore in my article, fire away. I am not a sex educator or expert, but who is? I've had the range of experience from mind-blowing sex to heartbreakingly disappointing sex to celibacy. I've been in and out of love, not as often as I have moved, but close. I've been monogamous and promiscuous. I like experimentation. I've tried almost everything. I've seen a lot of porn. So I guess why I am sharing this with you is in direct opposition to the "Holly Go Lightly" homogenized sex in the media models like "Sex in the City". I could never afford a great pair of Blahniks or a Prada bag without giving up food or rent for a month. I couldn't take the subway in those fuck me heels and who can afford a cab all the time. My money goes to the basics, not consumerist fashion. I don't coif myself as vigorously as Carrie Bradshaw's high maintenance circle of friends. I party with my girls, when time and money are available. My friends are not all upper class professional white chicks. My focus is my art, my job and sometimes a relationship.

Think of me as the balls out friend who won't coddle you too much and will give you the real story. I will tell as much about myself as you can possibly stand without being vain or self-centered. I just think there are more women like me in the city who dig the HBO series, but roll their eyes at the situations and clothing sometimes. I must admit I have a closet full of clothes, shoes galore, amidst a healthy collection of Ricky's wigs, weird lingerie and drawers of regular sized, not baby doll, t-shirts.

I also want to hear from the guys. I can hang and talk shit with the best of them. My friend A. would agree, as he likes to rank on me and flirt at the same time. I worked with men almost exclusively in the Internet industry on the technical side. I dealt with sexual harassment. I made great buddies. I know where the line is for me. And I know how to assert myself. I can charm, cheer and argue, with or without my feminist flag flying.

So if you are intrigued, check in next month for my dispatch on Disembodied Undersider Sex. It may not be pretty, but always entertaining.

By Melissa Ulto
© multo.com 2002