 View
From The Top
I Swear It's Not The Jumbo Popcorn That Made
Me Throw Up
Writ. Eric Wald, who should be shot
Dir. Bruno Barreto, who should be prosecuted for crimes against
humanity
Star. Gwyneth Paltrow, Candice Bergen, Marc Ruffalo, Mike
Meyer, and a host of others who should all be banished from
Hollywood forever.
 Did
you ever see Space Camp?
Have you seen it recently? Now, when you're older than the
curious day dreaming time of the pre-teens where you actually
thought that space camp was more than a branch of the Universal
Studios theme park and you truly wished that you had a robot
who would be your best friend because your acne-riddled visage
and your steel encased teeth had systematically eliminated
all other routes of social interaction? Have you seen it now,
when you're far too old to like those kids at all or care
if they ever make it back to earth? Now, when you can see
how terrible a movie it truly is? Ah, Space Camp! Well let
me tell you: Space Camp soars miles above View From The Top
(oh, look. a pun).
View From The Top is set in some hyperbolized Bizzaro-world
where everything that is, is the superlative of itself. Donna
Jensen (Paltrow) has the WORST childhood in the SMALLEST,
MOST WHITE TRASH town, and the DUMBEST boyfriend and the HIGHEST
aspirations to be the BEST stewardess just like Sally Weston
(Bergen) who is the MOST FAMOUS flight attendant in history.
Donna's friends are the NICEST and the PRETTIEST and her new
boyfriend (Ruffalo) turns out to be the BEST lawyer and, of
course, the two of them are a perfect, perfect match. This
is true of most romantic comedies, but in View From The Top
it is infinitely more offensive because there is nothing grounded
about any part of the film. The sets and costumes all have
the feel of vintage Gucci knock-offs, the acting is hyperbolically
bad, and the humor… let's not even talk about the humor.
Actually let's. The main flaw throughout View From The
Top is that it relies completely on Gwyneth Paltrow's comic
timing and prowess. Unfortunately she has none. To make
matters worse the ever self-degrading Mike Meyers makes
yet another stop on his professional downward spiral to
try and help her out. For some reason Meyers, these last
few years, has been deliberately and slowly trying to kill
his own career, kind of like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las
Vegas drinking himself to death - it's just as disturbing
to watch Meyers' slow decent towards obliteration, and,
also it's just as much fun.
Paltrow's idea of the Midwestern blonde ditsy-type involves
constantly furrowing her eyebrows and letting her mouth
hang open in a confused 'O'; all of which gives her the
look, not of a small town girl, but rather a first time
hooker trying really hard to concentrate on a blowjob. This
while she flips her pathetic mid-west accent on and off
so many times that the effect is something of an auditory
strobe light. One should probably be wary of epileptic seizures;
or perhaps one should be thankful if they're lucky enough
to collapse before they have to see the end.
The last shot of the movie, in which (not to spoil it for
you) Paltrow takes off her sunglasses and literally winks
at the camera, is possibly the most unforgivable cinematic
moment this year. No, wait. I'm wrong. There's an all cast
how down that immediately follows this which transcends
nauseating and carries you to the highest plane of disgust
attainable. It's replete with a View From The Top version
of "We Are Family," including cleverly re-written
lyrics like "We are Royalty, Flying up as high as can
be."
You know those times when your hands ache for a brick to
throw at the screen?
The Ratings
Two
bottles of Jack Daniels, daily
Mark Ruffalo, who was a downright hottie in You Can Count
On Me, seems to have broken his jaw and started drinking.
Every line is delivered from an overly puffy head with a
crooked mouth so the words seem to drip down the side of
his face. And his eyes have a cold glazed look to them of
a good man trapped Twilight-Zone style is a never-ending
hell of his own imagining. Given that, what else would he
do but drink?
Four hypnotically swinging watches for the casting director
Major props go to Marci Liroff who must have brainwashed
each and every cast member (right down to the extras) into
believing that this movie was something worthwhile. Either
that or she doled out a huge amount of oral sex to get these
people on board. Either way, you go Marci! You go!
Half a hipster
I actually feel guilty giving Dark Blue the same rating as
this movie. Dark Blue is a well thought out, cohesive movie,
with interesting characters, and a fast paced plot compared
to View From The Top. This movie stinks like a foot, if a
foot smelled like ass.
--B.C. Edwards
carter@freewilliamsburg.com
 
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