Sex in the Sub-City
KARL ROVE INTERN SCANDAL
BREAKING NEWS --- Karl Rove, President Bush's chief
political advisor and the mastermind of his re-election
campaign, is alleged to be having a romantic relationship
with one of his interns. The alleged affair, which is sure
to send shockwaves throughout the Bush administration and
the country at large, was first revealed by the intern himself,
one Craig Montgomery.
"I couldn't hide it any longer," said a tearful
Montgomery. Karl and I are an item and I think the public
has a right to know. I'm not ashamed of our relationship,
so why should he be?"
When asked to describe how long the relationship had been
going on, Montgomery had this to say:
"It started a few months ago, before the beginning
of the democratic primaries. Karl and I would often find
ourselves alone together, late at night, pouring through
records or searching the Lexus Nexus for dirt on the candidates.
There was a little flirting going on, some glances, some
comments, but I didn't know how he really felt until we
started harassing Howard Dean about his sealed records.
I distinctly remember Karl commenting: 'I bet your *expletive*
is more accessible than Dean's files.' But we didn't actually
become intimate until later. I'll never forget it. It was
the same day David Kay came out saying that there were no
weapons in Iraq. Late that night I got a knock on my door.
It was Karl, half-naked and demanding I acknowledge the
existence of his 'weapon of mass destruction.'
When asked why he had decided to come forward with his
allegations, Montgomery was emphatic.
"What Karl and I have is beautiful, and I want the
whole world to know. I don't care what anyone says, especially
my fellow republicans, who obviously frown on this kind
of behavior. I think if everyone knows what a kind, gentle,
loving man Karl is, it will help, not hurt, our reputation.
We may lose some of our conservative base, but we'll gain
the trust of thousands of likeminded individuals, who are
forced to conduct themselves in secret."
After blowing his nose, Montgomery continued.
"I'm proud of who I am, and I hope Karl will be able
to forgive me for what I've done. I also hope someday that
Tom DeLay, Rick Santorum and Sean Hannity will have the
courage to reveal to the world who they really are too.
I really do."
When asked if he had anything else to say, Montgomery thought
for a second, then replied:
"One more thing. I don't know how relevant this is
or not, but Ann Coulter has a penis. I've seen it. It's
nothing to write home about, pretty small actually, but
it's there. That's all I can think of at the moment."
The day after this interview took place, Craig Montgomery
This piece is dedicated to the memory of Craig Montgomery,
E-mail: [email protected]
This piece is a work of satire. It is intended solely
for comedic purposes and is not to be taken seriously in
any shape or form. If you believe any of this, you are retarded.
Or a Bush supporter. Or both.