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Sex in the Sub-City


BREAKING NEWS --- Karl Rove, President Bush's chief political advisor and the mastermind of his re-election campaign, is alleged to be having a romantic relationship with one of his interns. The alleged affair, which is sure to send shockwaves throughout the Bush administration and the country at large, was first revealed by the intern himself, one Craig Montgomery.

"I couldn't hide it any longer," said a tearful Montgomery. Karl and I are an item and I think the public has a right to know. I'm not ashamed of our relationship, so why should he be?"

When asked to describe how long the relationship had been going on, Montgomery had this to say:

"It started a few months ago, before the beginning of the democratic primaries. Karl and I would often find ourselves alone together, late at night, pouring through records or searching the Lexus Nexus for dirt on the candidates. There was a little flirting going on, some glances, some comments, but I didn't know how he really felt until we started harassing Howard Dean about his sealed records. I distinctly remember Karl commenting: 'I bet your *expletive* is more accessible than Dean's files.' But we didn't actually become intimate until later. I'll never forget it. It was the same day David Kay came out saying that there were no weapons in Iraq. Late that night I got a knock on my door. It was Karl, half-naked and demanding I acknowledge the existence of his 'weapon of mass destruction.'

When asked why he had decided to come forward with his allegations, Montgomery was emphatic.

"What Karl and I have is beautiful, and I want the whole world to know. I don't care what anyone says, especially my fellow republicans, who obviously frown on this kind of behavior. I think if everyone knows what a kind, gentle, loving man Karl is, it will help, not hurt, our reputation. We may lose some of our conservative base, but we'll gain the trust of thousands of likeminded individuals, who are forced to conduct themselves in secret."

After blowing his nose, Montgomery continued.

"I'm proud of who I am, and I hope Karl will be able to forgive me for what I've done. I also hope someday that Tom DeLay, Rick Santorum and Sean Hannity will have the courage to reveal to the world who they really are too. I really do."

When asked if he had anything else to say, Montgomery thought for a second, then replied:

"One more thing. I don't know how relevant this is or not, but Ann Coulter has a penis. I've seen it. It's nothing to write home about, pretty small actually, but it's there. That's all I can think of at the moment."

The day after this interview took place, Craig Montgomery was assassinated.

This piece is dedicated to the memory of Craig Montgomery, R.I.P.

--Russ Josephs

E-mail: [email protected]

DISCLAIMER: This piece is a work of satire. It is intended solely for comedic purposes and is not to be taken seriously in any shape or form. If you believe any of this, you are retarded. Or a Bush supporter. Or both.



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[email protected] | March 2004 | Issue 48
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