Episode II, but whose really counting?
me tell you something about Episode II: Attack Of The Clones:
Don't believe a word they tell you. This movie is cool. It's
cooler than cool. It's cooler than the coolest coolies who
live in Coolville drinking kool-aid and smoking kools. It's
the coolest thing that has ever existed anywhere... period.
There, now they have something they can put in their commercial
(even if none of that is ture).
There was a point about half an hour into the movie where
I realized, "O.K. it's not gonna be good, but at least
it will be interesting." Then an hour-and-a-half in:
"O.K. it's not interesting but at least it will entertain."
Then two hours in: "Well, it's not entertaining but
at least it gives us what we want." Then finally after
two-and-a-half hours of schlock: "Well, I bet it will
make an awful lot of money."
After this, there's only one more movie left
In the first trilogy, Lucas had a truly original and startling
vision. He took on an epic theme, played all the right cards,
and astounded the world. Return of the Jedi got a
little too cute with all those adorable and immensely marketable
Ewoks, but it was still great. However, if you look at the
actual storyline of that series, it's really pretty simple.
A classic hero, a classic villain, and fabulous supporting
cast to aid him on his voyage, and plenty, but not too many,
important plot twists. In the first three movies there was
an epic sense of history built on the allusions to past
Now, what we have in the current trilogy is Lucas forced
to tie up all those loose ends he threw out at us in the
original to give his story that depth. We find ourselves
being told the history we were forced to envision all over
again. And I think what I imagined was better than what
Lucas is giving us. And to make matters worse there is no
additional history to our tale. We know virtually nothing
of the republic except that it's been around for thousands
of years. With no history, there's no depth. And, as a result,
these past two movies are tired, and above all, completely
predictable. If you're going to make a prequel to the most
popular film trilogy in history, you better have some new
material to throw at us, but I find that Lucas's vision
has become short sighted and unimpressive.
he had a world of opportunity for some back-stories here.
When I was a kid strapped into my seat staring doe eyed
at the original Star Wars, I wanted to know everything
there was to know about becoming a Jedi. All of it: the
philosophy, the training, the history, the culture, where
I could sing up, all of it. And Attack of the Clones
would have been the prime place to do it. The most famous
Jedi in history is being taught the ropes, gives us some
lessons here. Make him pull a space hip out of a swamp,
anything! All we get, however, is the same old banter "Clear
Be one with the universe
focus on the negative
put this helmet on and let a
little ball shoot you with a laser."
There were literally dozens of aspects of Lucas' universe
that could have been explored. But instead, a good forty-five
minutes of this flick is consumed by the 'love affair' between
Anakin Skywalker (Christensen) and Padmé Amidala
(Portman). It runs something like this:
Anakin: I love you.
Padmé: I'm a senator.
Anakin: but I really, really love you. I, like, burn
Padmé: But I'm a senator.
Anakin: What if I was all creepy and weird
and groped at your breasts
and started staring at
you with a perverse rapist-like glare? How about then?
Padmé: Well, I guess I do love you after all.
Let's make a baby!
In Bizzaro World the dialogue between the two love-birds
might have worked, and not seemed quite so much like a stalker
trying to woo his stalkee, if there had been any amount
of chemistry between Christensen and Portman. But these
two merely herald what is possibly the worst ensemble acting
gig in several years.
None of the acting was good, literally, none of it. C-3P0
wasn't the neurotic priss that he used to be, Natalie Portman
has given up that dark, severe way of speaking she had in
The Phantom Menace, Frank Oz isn't putting as much
into Yoda now that he's computer generated. Samuel L. Jackson
is as far from being a bad-ass motherfucker as I've ever
seen him, and Ewan McGregor looks totally lost having to
interact with nothing but computer generated creatures.
And Christensen really takes the cake on this one. There
aren't even words to describe how repulsive his acting is
in this movie. He plays Anakin not as troubled, but as bitchy.
Not as powerful, but spoiled. It's as though there's no
good in him to begin with so the conversion to the dark
side is inevitable, rather than a soul destroying voyage.
He does lose an arm, however, I guess that's something to
And, by the way, what the hell is Jimmy Smitts doing in
this production!? He looks as out of place as 2(x)ist underwear
does on a straight boy.
The Ratings (as always, out of four):
Direction Rating: Half of a walk down Hollywood
The director should be bundled up with the writer and the
producer and all three should be severely beaten until they
promise never to do anything like this again. What was that?
All three people are George Lucas? Fuck that. Just kill
Geek Rating: two and a half acne riddled dungeon
There isn't too much here for the geeks to love. There is
some notable trivia (like the guy whose always played C3-P0
is doubling as a Lieutenant, and so on) But that's about
it. Otherwise it's nothing more than a torrent of new characters
('The Most Jedi Of Any Star Wars Movie Ever!') that
have already been turned into action figures for you to
collect and never play with.
Homo-Erotic Tension Rating: Zero Batmen and Robins
What Homoerotic tension? I mean, just because some nubile
little 18 year old is following some guy with a big-ass
beard around, calling him "master," doesn't mean
there's going to be any homo-erotic tension. Even if you
try really hard to read into the story, there's nothing,
not one glimmer or knowing look between fellows exchanged.
Now that you mention it: there isn't any erotic tension
in this thing, Homo- or otherwise, despite the 45 minutes
of "I love you/But I'm a Senator." Nothing. Actually,
the more I think about it, there is absolutely no tension
whatsoever, of any kind.
Effects Rating: Three Lords of the Ring
I guess I have to say something nice about this movie. OK.
Here goes: The scenery was pretty good looking. The special
effects were flawless. And the one chase scene in space
between Obi-Wan and Jango Fett is pretty cool.
Over all Coolness Rating: One half a star - a tiny,
east village apartment with no AC in July (how cool is that?)
This movie sucks. It's the suckiest suck fest ever produced
by Sucktown. What sucks even more is you know you're going
to see in anyway, despite everything I've said. That's what
is so evil about this stupid media machine we let rule our
lives. And to think: I missed an episode of Survivor
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Wr/Dr : George Lucas
Str: Hayden Christensen, Samuel L. Jackson, Ewan McGreggor,
Natalie Portman, Frank Oz
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