Has this ever happened to you? You're making a mix tape for your girlfriend/ boyfriend/aunt/uncle/whatever, and at first you can't find enough songs you want to put on it, and then, after going through your entire collection, even buying stuff to flush it out, you've got too many. I'm desperately trying to fit everything in and it's just not happening. I've got two extra ones for the upbeat side, which is called On Coke, or, Music For Fucking On Coke, and it's gotten to the point where I can't decide between them, where I root for one and then I feel bad for the one I'm rooting against so I root for the other one, and then I find a third song that I think is better than both of them, but just as quickly find something about it I don't like—too long, too played-out—and I go back to the original songs. Fortunately, the other side, the mellow one, On Heroin, is pretty much done.

What's funny is that, I can't even get a semblance of an erection on coke, and I've never even tried heroin before, and have no plans to, let alone try it and then try fucking on it. It's a joke, get it? Ha ha ha. If you want I'll even send you a copy. Honest. Just send a 90-minute blank tape, type II, the best quality you can find to Freewilliamsburg. Also include return postage if you don't mind. I'm not made of money over here.

By the way, I'm not kidding about this. I am really proud of this collection, and want as many people as possible to have it. It has taken me hours and hours to find just the right songs, to place them just so. And just think of what a great gift this would make! I mean, everyone enjoys fucking, right? And who wants to have to sit there and try to find the right music to set the mood, to sift through a myriad of CD's, while all you want to do is get it on? And if you're still putting on the same old stuff—Enya, Barry White, Sade—then you really need this collection. Anyone who hears that crap is going to be running for the door. I mean, that stuff might have worked, like, five, ten years ago. In high school maybe. But now, come on. How many times have you boned someone to those same old songs? You want it to be special, don't you? At least to have the appearance of being special, right? And think about it this way: coke's come back in a big way, and heroin's never really left, so the timing for this thing couldn't be more perfect. So request your copy of Music For Fucking today. Satisfaction guaranteed. Heck, if you're not, I'll even fuck you myself.*

*Offer only applies to women, and to only those who were born that way (no transgendered/transsexuals please). In addition, participants must be aged between eighteen and thirty-five, with good skin, no visible scars, no birth defects, no sexually transmitted diseases. A recent picture must be issued before any service is rendered, and the provider has the right to refuse service to anyone he sees fit.

Speaking of fucking, for those who like their sex to transcend the confines of the bedroom (and the kitchen and living room), I highly recommend attending the Imperial Orgy Erotic Masquerade Ball on June 14th at Webster Hall. The event, sponsored by the band Caeser Pink & The Imperial Orgy, is sure to please the hardened deviant and the curious alike. Activities include a BDSM dungeon, a kinky costume contest, seven DJ's and porn stars galore. For more information, visit orgyball.com. Tell 'em I sent you and they'll spank you extra hard.

Finally, on a personal note, I'd like to say that I can finally strike the phrase "monogamy is motony" from my vocabularly. Who would have thought that having regular sex with one person can actually be better than having multiple partners? I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but hear me out. It actually makes perfect sense. For one thing, it's so much easier than having to go out all the time and trying to find someone new. This way you know you're not going to go home alone. It's a lazy man's dream! And better yet, you don't even have to wait until you get home! What do I mean by this? What I mean is, why wait until you get back to your apartment, when there's plenty of good places at your disposal?

Think of all the possibilities—bathrooms, stairwells, couches in dark corners...you get the idea. And how likely is it that you're going to convince a complete and total stranger to get down in such a place? Very unlikely, unless you're a very charming individual, more charming than myself in any case. It's much easier to convince someone you're involved with to do some weird ass shit, if that's what you're into. And even if you're not, if you're vanilla all the way, then I still recommend it, because you can really work that missionary shit. You can become the missionary master. Think about it. I'm telling you, monogamy, when done properly, is really not that bad, not bad at all. In fact, it rules.**

**While this statement about my monogamy may seem to cancel out my above promise - that I will sleep with anyone who is unsatisfied with my mix tape - I assure you that this is not the case. You see, contests and such, where prizes are rewarded, are exempt from such things as one's personal life, as they are purely business in nature, and therefore do not count as actual digressions. Therefore, feel free to express your dissatisfaction with a clear conscience, and I will respond in turn.

--Russ Josephs

E-mail: Filthstar@aol.com