Music for Fucking
Sex in the Sub-City
this ever happened to you? You're making a mix tape for
your girlfriend/ boyfriend/aunt/uncle/whatever, and at first
you can't find enough songs you want to put on it, and then,
after going through your entire collection, even buying
stuff to flush it out, you've got too many. I'm desperately
trying to fit everything in and it's just not happening.
I've got two extra ones for the upbeat side, which is called
On Coke, or, Music For Fucking On Coke, and
it's gotten to the point where I can't decide between them,
where I root for one and then I feel bad for the one I'm
rooting against so I root for the other one, and then I
find a third song that I think is better than both of them,
but just as quickly find something about it I don't liketoo
long, too played-outand I go back to the original
songs. Fortunately, the other side, the mellow one, On
Heroin, is pretty much done.
What's funny is that, I can't even get a semblance of an
erection on coke, and I've never even tried heroin before,
and have no plans to, let alone try it and then try fucking
on it. It's a joke, get it? Ha ha ha. If you want I'll even
send you a copy. Honest. Just send a 90-minute blank tape,
type II, the best quality you can find to Freewilliamsburg.
Also include return postage if you don't mind. I'm not made
of money over here.
By the way, I'm not kidding about this. I am really proud
of this collection, and want as many people as possible
to have it. It has taken me hours and hours to find just
the right songs, to place them just so. And just think of
what a great gift this would make! I mean, everyone enjoys
fucking, right? And who wants to have to sit there and try
to find the right music to set the mood, to sift through
a myriad of CD's, while all you want to do is get it on?
And if you're still putting on the same old stuffEnya,
Barry White, Sadethen you really need this collection.
Anyone who hears that crap is going to be running for the
door. I mean, that stuff might have worked, like, five,
ten years ago. In high school maybe. But now, come on. How
many times have you boned someone to those same old songs?
You want it to be special, don't you? At least to have the
appearance of being special, right? And think about it this
way: coke's come back in a big way, and heroin's never really
left, so the timing for this thing couldn't be more perfect.
So request your copy of Music For Fucking today.
Satisfaction guaranteed. Heck, if you're not, I'll even
fuck you myself.*
*Offer only applies to women, and to only those who were
born that way (no transgendered/transsexuals please). In
addition, participants must be aged between eighteen and
thirty-five, with good skin, no visible scars, no birth
defects, no sexually transmitted diseases. A recent picture
must be issued before any service is rendered, and the provider
has the right to refuse service to anyone he sees fit.
Speaking of fucking, for those who like their sex to transcend
the confines of the bedroom (and the kitchen and living
room), I highly recommend attending the Imperial Orgy Erotic
Masquerade Ball on June 14th at Webster Hall. The event,
sponsored by the band Caeser Pink & The Imperial Orgy,
is sure to please the hardened deviant and the curious alike.
Activities include a BDSM dungeon, a kinky costume contest,
seven DJ's and porn stars galore. For more information,
visit orgyball.com. Tell 'em I sent you and they'll spank
you extra hard.
Finally, on a personal note, I'd like to say that I can
finally strike the phrase "monogamy is motony"
from my vocabularly. Who would have thought that having
regular sex with one person can actually be better than
having multiple partners? I know, I know, it sounds crazy,
but hear me out. It actually makes perfect sense. For one
thing, it's so much easier than having to go out all the
time and trying to find someone new. This way you know you're
not going to go home alone. It's a lazy man's dream! And
better yet, you don't even have to wait until you get home!
What do I mean by this? What I mean is, why wait until you
get back to your apartment, when there's plenty of good
places at your disposal?
Think of all the possibilitiesbathrooms, stairwells,
couches in dark corners...you get the idea. And how likely
is it that you're going to convince a complete and total
stranger to get down in such a place? Very unlikely, unless
you're a very charming individual, more charming than myself
in any case. It's much easier to convince someone you're
involved with to do some weird ass shit, if that's what
you're into. And even if you're not, if you're vanilla all
the way, then I still recommend it, because you can really
work that missionary shit. You can become the missionary
master. Think about it. I'm telling you, monogamy, when
done properly, is really not that bad, not bad at all. In
fact, it rules.**
**While this statement about my monogamy may seem to
cancel out my above promise - that I will sleep with anyone
who is unsatisfied with my mix tape - I assure you that
this is not the case. You see, contests and such, where
prizes are rewarded, are exempt from such things as one's
personal life, as they are purely business in nature, and
therefore do not count as actual digressions. Therefore,
feel free to express your dissatisfaction with a clear conscience,
and I will respond in turn.
E-mail: [email protected]