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Advice for eligible bachelors in Williamsburg
who want to marry foreign girls for green card purposes

A couple of years ago, I got married to an Australian girl, so that she could stay in the country. Were were very close friends. We rushed into it without thinking about the complications we were getting ourselves into. After moving into an apartment together, after having some arguments, and then breaking up, and presently having legal problems, I think back to what would I do if I had it all to do over again. I have compiled some rules of do's and don'ts in the event of marrying a foreign girl.

1. Make sure that the girl is paying you a lot of money, and that she pays you before you apply for a marriage certificate. If she is not paying the rent or giving you money or even sex in exchange for marrying her, you'll feel like a real dork afterwards. If you are just friends, the marriage will erode any good friendly feelings that you had about the person. If there is sex or money involved, at least it has a chance.

2. Make sure that you have a big party or a big ceremony, and invite all of your friends. It's nice to have dramatic pictures, where everyone is dressed up, even if it's a dry marriage. You should be suspicious of a girl if she wants to keep the marriage a secret, and pretend like she isn't married. Then you won't have to explain the true nature of the relationship to your friends. People want to know whether you're being paid or you're having sex. Most people look down on a purely business-like type of situation.

3. Make sure your potential wife doesn't have a criminal record. Especially if the girl is from Australia! She'll do anything or say anything to get her way, even if it's committing perjury before God almighty! The immigration people will veto your application if they find out about something past crime. But it's true that people like Genesis P-Orridge have recently received their green card. If you have white skin, it helps.

4. Make sure that your wife is not a compulsive liar. You have to wonder about a girl who falsifies information about her past. Or a girl who tells you one day that she doesn't want to get people involved, and the next day has bodyguards following her around the city. You should try to be honest to each other.

5. Make sure that you write out a contract of all expectations. Writing out a financial statement that states that you have separate finances is a good idea. Being silent about things doesn't work. It's best to get things out, before they emerge in more embarrassing forms. But if there's a no-sex and no-money clause in the contract, there's no real gain for the American to marry the foreigner.

6. Your immigrant wife shouldn't be tight-lipped and have long hair that she's been growing for ten years. Your green card girl shouldn't work a crappie job scubbing floors or at cafes like Moondog, and then seem to have a better relationship with her co-workers than she does with you. Obviously you are the low man on the totem pole in their knowing conversations. You may become the punching bag of their miserable lives.

7. Never marry someone who sleeps with a teddy bear. Especially if you sleep in separate rooms. By the age of 25, you must give up that teddy bear habit.

8. Never marry a girl whose favorite band is They Might Be Giants and whose favorite show is The X-Files. My own personal feeling is that young people who watch a lot of television are very amoral and lawless. You can't believe a word they say, because it's probably a phrase uttered by Seinfeld or Fox Mulder in a episode a few weeks ago.

9. Never marry a girl who asks you if you will marry them at Kellogg's Diner. This is a small 24-hour diner near the Lorimer in Williamsburg. When she asks you to do this, it shouldn't seem like a desperate and last resort action. It should be celebratory. It should be an expensive dinner at Elaine's. And let the girl pay for it.

10. Your wife shouldn't wear only black clothes. You have to wonder about a girl who has compulsive or repetitive behavior. You have to wonder about a girl who doesn't have a big proud package of tampons in the medicine cabinet. Having habits or a strict routine is okay if it's a diet, but if it's an approach to life itself, having habits is like practicing to be dead.

11. Your wife's mother shouldn't be an Anglican priest.

12. If you move in together, make sure that your name is also on the lease. You must be protected. You have to be protected from all angles because surprises are not good unless your bank account has accidentally increased by surprise.

13. Your wife shouldn't be a compulsive smoker. You don't want your immigrant wife to be a philosopher or a couch potato. You don't want her to think too clearly. You don't want a girl to be a big fan of an author like Will Self. You don't want her to be paranoid or get in touch with her long-held fears.

14. For every procedure part of the immigration process, whether filing papers, moving in together, getting a joint checking account, getting identification, photos, wedding rings, and the interview itself, make sure that you are either paid, rewarded greatly, or given sexual favors by your wife's girlfriends, as your part of the bargain and selling the illusion.

15. Do not ask your wife out on dates. Don't take her to expensive Broadway shows and don't take her to see bands like Portishead. Don't try to extend the parody. Don't become an embarrassment. If you need validation, be creative and find ways to make this happen.

16. Do not give your wife flowers. Do not give her gifts at all. In fact, do not do any favors at all for her, because you'll regret it, and you'll feel used and disgusted. This type of girl thinks of you as a piece of meat, to be used and exploited, so it's important to think of her that way as well.

17. Do not write poems dedicated to your wife. Write them to the girlfriends that you are cultivating on the side. Don't tell your wife about your girlfriends and visa-versa. Be discreet.

18. Do not try to become friends with your immigrant wife's friends. Especially if they are short Jewish guys who she constantly ridicules in your presence. They hate you and are icily suspicious of your every dark motive. Be aloof and mysterious yourself.

19. Take plenty of trips to other countries and states with the money you have received for the phony marriage you got yourself into. Maybe your wife will get jealous and go back to England or Australia and nullify the marriage.

20. Do not tell your immigrant wife that you love her or have feelings for her. She really is disgusted with you as a person, and is just using you, so that she could hook up with some third-rate musician who looks like Evan Dando with a heroin problem.

21. Don't marry a girl from a country you don't want to live in. If you are going to marry an immigrant make sure you can find employment and get extended visas to whatever country she is from so that as she is living it up and destroying your reputation over here you can be doing the same thing to her in whatever country misbegat her.

22. Don't marry a Libra. They are not sure about a lot of stuff. They just don't know about things.

23. Don't marry a girl who was beat up by her last boyfriend, and is coming to the US to leave that behind. She will imagine that you are guilty by association. Whatever he got away with then you will be held responsible for. Watch out for people with father problems.

24. Don't marry a girl who thinks she's an artist. Don't marry a photographer. Don't marry a girl who likes Andy Warhol.

25. Don't tell your conservative parents about the marriage. And for God's sake, don't take your green card girl to meet your parents, and try to pass it off as a real marriage. You may have book a spot in hell for that one.

26. Don't marry a girl who's named after a famous virgin.

-- Alexander Laurence

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