On the heels of bizarre neighborhood thefts of almonds and cheese, Williamsburg bar Lighthouse is reporting the robbery of one of their prized toilet seats. From Brooklyn Paper:

Assaf Tamir, co-owner of the Borinquen Place establishment, made the shocking discovery after he and his sister Naama closed up shop for the night.

“He came out of the bathroom and asked me what happened to the toilet seat,” said Naama. “It was missing in action.”

“I doubt it would just walk away,” said Naama.

The owner Assaf Tamir (pictured on the left) is dressed suspiciously like a 1950′s bank robber in the photos. I mean seriously, get that guy a zorro mask and a toilet seat sized sack with a dollar sign on it and he’s ready to go. Expect to see several TOILET HEIST WAS AN INSIDE JOB conspiracy videos popping up on YouTube this week.

– @joshmorrissey

It’s one thing to be fearful for our almonds, but now we have to be worried about the safety of our cheeses?? A 51-year-old man was caught trying to steal $55 worth of cheese in Williamsburg and pulled out a (more…)

Who says Williamsburg isn’t the gritty crime-filled place it used to be? A man was arrested on Sunday for stealing three 25 pound boxes of almonds from the back of a delivery van on South 8th and Bedford. Unsuprisingly the NY Post headline includes the word ‘Nut Job’, more from the Post:

He tried to run off with the loot, sources said, but the 5-foot-8, 180 pound man ended up dropping the boxes on South 8th Street, sources said.

The driver called 911, but Ayala allegedly scampered off before the police could catch him.

But two hours later, Ayala smashed his 2010 silver Toyota Carrola into a parked, unoccupied van on Wythe Avenue and South 8th Street—about two blocks from the scene of the crime, sources said.

When asked about the crime he said:

“I really f—– up,” he allegedly told the police. He then bizarrely added, “I really f—– up my relationship. But I didn’t break into the car.”

Not sure how he damaged his relationship unless he had promised his lady to come up with the toppings for the greatest ice cream sundae of all time. Anyway, see more at the Post including a picture here.

- @joshmorrissey

And now, a break from our usual indie music musings and breaking brunch news to share some more serious info:

Police are searching for a man who sexually assaulted a woman around 4:20AM the night of New Year’s Eve on Maspeth Avenue (near the Graham Avenue L).

Crime sketch provided by the NYPD.

The woman was walking alone in the early morning hours when a man grabbed her and pulled her into a parking garage adjacent to a modern condo building. He indicated he had a gun, told the woman to stay quiet, and sexually assaulted her before fleeing the scene.

Cops say they’re looking for a man 20-25 years old, about 5’8” and 150 pounds, wearing a gray hoodie and a dark baseball hat. (What’s that, you say? That could fit the description of almost any guy you see on the street? Yeah, us too.)

If you have any information, please call CrimeStoppers: (800) 577-TIPS, or submit tips at  www.nypdcrimestoppers.com or by texting CRIMES (274637) then entering TIP577.

And in the meantime, please, let’s all stay extra-vigilant on our late-night walks home.

According to Silent Barn’s Facebook page:

This weekend has been incredibly heartbreaking for all of us at The Silent Barn. On top of many issues that we’re currently dealing with, over the weekend our house was completely ransacked.  About $15k worth of audio equipment, house projects and personal belongings are gone.  The violence to the space is almost as upsetting as the theft.  Doors were ripped off of hinges, furniture ripped to shreds, and everything in the space strewn about in a sea of debris. We’ve lost 7 years worth of accumulated equipment, tools, and artwork donated and built by individuals from every end of the scene’s spectrum, and we’re still reeling with what this means for our own lives and the future of the space.  If you would like to find out what you can do, email silentbarn@gmail.com.  We need your help to continue.

Thank you for your concern over the last few days. It means as much to us as the space itself.

- Castle Oscar, Momma, Kunal, Lucas, Nat, Jordan, James, Joe

This video was also posted, encouraging people to stop the violence against DIY spaces. If you can help in any way, drop Silent Barn a line.

I’ve always dreamt I’d one day stumble upon a cash-spewing ATM with nobody else in sight. Saturday night, that almost happened, but after speaking to the bouncer at Night of Joy, it turned out I’d missed the boat by a few days.

This puppy was emptied late last week after being out of commission for the entire week or so prior. Unfortunately for the thieves, all they found in the bowels of this ATM was the excitement of breaking in.

From our mailbag:

my friend dave, a guy from nebraska, was leaving the metropolitan bar in our neighborhood this weekend, he was about two blocks from the bar on a corner when some guys jumped him. i’m not exactly sure what happened but it seems like there was a woman with them who said something to dave to distract him and then he was jumped from behind. he never saw his attackers. they kicked him and punched him while calling him a faggot the whole time. after the beating they stole his stuff (i’ve been told the stealing part seemed like an afterthought). he was in the hospital for a few days and had to have reconstructive surgery on the right side of his face as he had many broken bones. he is in good spirits and is now out of the hospital.

the guys that beat him up used his credit card to buy a subway ticket so there may be a photo of them, but it may be hard to prosecute them because dave didn’t see them, although he probably could identify the woman that was with them.

Let us know if you saw anything. Oh, and be careful guys!