Coming soon to a theater near you…

But one thing. It’s Korean Abdul-JABBAR man. Get your hipster grifter shit straight. And can this be the last we ever mention her? Now that the meme has reached street art status I think we can pack it all up in our fanny packs and call it a day. Spotted in W’burg by Delete Yourself.

We’re just happy when anybody makes fun of Michael Bay or Jerry Bruckheimer. From the Onion [via]

“I couldn’t be more excited to completely fuck this up,” said Bay, who plans to begin production on destroying the live-action adaptation next month. “ThunderCats has a great story, endearing characters, action, adventure, space-travel, and fantasy. It will be an honor to run it into the ground.”
“I’ll use every directorial tool I have to suck the very life and charm out of this beloved cartoon,” added Bay, claiming that the film could turn out to be the most colossal piece of shit he’s ever worked on. “I won’t rest until I get every last scene exactly wrong.”

by David Dylan Thomas

It’s the last hurrah before sequels and reboots dominate the theaters for three and a half months (let’s be honest, the last half of August is a wash). And we begin with… a reboot of an eight-year-old franchise.
April 3
FAST & FURIOUS
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Reboot.
WILL IT SUCK?
Do you want to watch cars go boom? I think this will deliver. Other than that, weep for the potential that director Justin Lin showed in Better Luck Tomorrow and then didn’t deliver on, including the last Fast/Furious flick which, by the way, has the same writer as this one.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Between Adventureland this week and Hannah Montana and Observe and Report next week, you are actually shredding a little bit of the demo, but bringing back all four original leads should make for a decent opening. $108mil.
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ADVENTURELAND
(Moved from March)
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Superbad Amusement Park
WILL IT SUCK?

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We are totally going to see this on opening night.

The band premiered this last night at MoMA. It’s directed by directed by Patrick Daughters and Marcel Dzama. [via]

Speaking of which…. we’re LOVING the new Grizzly Bear. Here’s our favorite track.

by Dave Thomas

The month begins and ends with unconventional superheroes. Slightly different demos, though.
MARCH 6
WATCHMEN
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Think The Incredibles, but like, really, really, really, really dark. Really.
WILL IT SUCK?
With 300, Zack Snyder took the technology pioneered in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and The Phantom Menace and manipulated it to recreate the look and feel of a comic. While he’s using more actual sets this time out, it seems clear (especially from the trailers) that he gets the importance of the aesthetic and how to achieve it. As far as the actual depth of the comic, which is what separates it from the pack, on a story level at least it appears he’s stayed true to the darkness. David Hayter, who co-penned the better X-films, had a hand in the adaptation. The casting is also promising, employing talented lesser-knowns like Matthew Goode and Jackie Earle Haley. The 20 minutes shown at Butt-Numb-a-thon apparently killed.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Anticipation is huge, but highest among a fairly select group of fans. I mean, had you heard of Watchmen before this movie was announced? I only know about it because I once made a concerted effort to learn more about graphic novels and this was one of the first (and most often) recommended. I wonder if this is a few people anticipating loudly instead of the masses being truly psyched. Still if 300, an even more obscure comic, could get by on kick-ass visuals, there’s no reason this can’t. $236mil.
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ALL ABOUT STEVE
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Sandra Bullock stalks Bradley Cooper. But, you know, in a cute way.
WILL IT SUCK?

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The hopes and dreams of three ambitious people are shattered when their school-day adventures begin spiraling out of control.

As Rumproast commenter t4toby summarizes, this scene from 1987′s Hard Ticket to Hawaii has it all:

Skateboarding, off-center ponytails, blowup dolls, pectoralis muscles, rocket launchers, ROCKET LAUNCHERS!!!, gratuitous violence, totally unnecessary second rocket launch attack on aforementioned blowup doll…I challenge you to come up with a better action sequence!

Evidently, B-movie director Andy Sedaris (not to be confused with David Sedaris) directed a handful of these things in a series known as Bullets, Bombs, and Babes:

Sidaris was best known for his Bullets, Bombs, and Babes series of B-movies produced between 1985 and 1998. These films featured a rotating “stock company” of actors mostly made up of Playboy Playmates and Penthouse “Pets”, including Julie Strain, Dona Speir, Hope Marie Carlton, Cynthia Brimhall, Roberta Vasquez, Julie K. Smith, Shae Marks, and Wendy Hamilton. Several of his films were done wholly or largely in Shreveport using many local actors or actors with local ties.

Needless to say, we need to watch the entire series ASAP. Check out the amazing trailer to Hard Ticket to Hawaii after the jump. You gotta love a movie with the catchphrase “This Ain’t No Hula!” [hat tip Rumproast]

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If you know me, you know that I’m a big slut for a good magazine layout. But with prices of specialty &/or foreign mags running at around $15 a pop, websites for Chinese hipster inspired print such as M-Style scratch the itch just as well. Over at the Shanghaiist, they seem to agree:

Hipsters get a lot of flack in the U.S. and Europe for fetishizing elements of fringe movements and regurgitating them into something completely sterile and inauthentic – all of the style and none of the substance, so to speak.
And yet (for us, at least) the cheap beer and great music is a welcome escape from the whisky-and-green-tea, Eurotrash house, everybody clad in some skimpy shade of black scene that’s dominated Shanghai so far.

Bombarded with the now long dead pop culture trends of yesterday’s East, some Hong Kong-goes-Brooklyn gems passed under the radar. These kids might as well be living in my building, no? But we’ve always been fans of the Asian aesthetic. I mean, McDonald’s is giving away Hello Kitty watches in their Happy Meals nowadays (which I know one FREEburg writer is super excited about). It’s no wonder Michel Gondry loves him some Eastern city lights….
(Exciting news & a peek at Gondry’s newest, Tokyo!, after the jump)

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by Dave Thomas

Gomorra
Looks like your best movie options this month are to stay in making lousy Oscar predictions and hoping that Dollhouse doesn’t suck.
FEBRUARY 6
HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Love, Not Actually
WILL IT SUCK?
If this were a TV show, I’d have more confidence. Director Ken Kwapis has helmed some solid eps of The Office and Freaks and Geeks. The one thing I didn’t like about his Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, on the other hand, was the direction. Never saw Vibes or Dunstin Checks In, though. And the writers did Never Been Kissed.
Remarkably recognizable casting, though: Jennifers Aniston and Connelly, Scarlett Johansson, Drew Barrymore, Ben Affleck…but I’m most psyched to see Justin Long and Ginnifer Goodwin together again for the first time since Ed.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
A little bit of competition from Dance Flick and Pink Panther 2 this week, but next week is the real bear, Confessions of a Shopaholic. $61mil.
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THE PINK PANTHER 2
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
This is what you get for going to see Pink Panther 1, America.
WILL IT SUCK?
Even during the trailer I was going “Oh, my God, is this thing still going?” They’ve added some top shelf talent (John Cleese, Alfred Molina, Andy Garcia, Aishwarya Rai) but they kind of had that already (Cleese replaces Kevin Kline). Agent Cody Banks and One Night at McCool’s director Harald Zwart takes over for Night at the Museum 2-bound Shawn Levy and the writers are brand new. As with the first, Martin has a screenplay co-credit but I just refuse to believe it.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
The only thing with this high of a profile for miles around is Friday the 13th, and that’s a completely different demographic (although a Clouseau/Jason crossover flick would rock). $71mil.
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CORALINE
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Girl finds a parallel universe with an alternative, perfect family for her…or is it?
WILL IT SUCK?

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