image c/o Trojan Facebook page

Sidling up all sexy and shit to the waterfront food trucks tonight will be Trojan’s Good Vibrations Truck.

The tour which kicked off with a Midtown “nooner” yesterday is a new campaign to dispense sexual health do-gooding and promote the new Trojan Vibrating Twister – Trojan’s most powerful vibrator to date! Holla!

Sexual health expert Dr. Logan Levkoff and brand spokespeople will display the new product, talk about the mainstreaming of vibrators and share interesting data on usage and purchase in the US.  In addition, there will be free samples (condoms) and giveaways (sex instruments).

[Now insert a really good orgasm joke that was already taken by the other blogs. Blerg.]

The Good Vibrations Truck hits the Williamsburg Waterfront from 8pm to 10pm tonight, July 29.  And, well, face it – you might as well have a back-up plan when you fail at that last call scramble at Union Pool.

Can somebody please make some sense of this list that supposedly reveals the kinkiest and loneliest places in the U.S., based on dating site profiles, because I certainly cannot. For starters, Greenpoint and Williamsburg–yes, the nabe with a plethora of hormonally-charged watering holes–has the most virgin men in the country. Really? The only explanation here somebody offered was the Hasidic anomaly, but then why wouldn’t some Amish district, or a small, off-the-grid county in conservative Utah, perhaps rank higher? Color me presumptuous but I imagine their coital rates are comparable. Here’s a sampling:

Most virgin women: Louisiana 2nd (New Orleans)

Most virgin men: New York 12th (Williamsburg, Greenpoint, Park Slope in Brooklyn; Maspeth, Ridgewood, in Queens; Lower East Side in Manhattan)

Least virgin women: Texas 29th (Houston)

Least virgin men: Louisiana 2nd (New Orleans)

Also: New Orleans has the most virgin women, yet also claims the least virgin men?! Per another, perhaps those men are all sleeping with the small group of promiscuous women. Or each other. I’m so confused. Please, Internet, help me. Comment below or tweet your explanatory rage to me. One thing to note: this is all based on word cloud analysis on dating sites…so perhaps everyone in Williamsburg mentions their desire for virgins. In which case, God bless you in your honesty.

(I’d click through to the artist’s site for some clarity, but it’s on Columbia.edu’s servers and they are slow/down at the moment.)

According to the NY Post, a Federal judge ruled last week that masturbating in a federal park is fine, as long as no one’s watching:

“Magistrate Judge Ramon Reyes Jr. found that an ex-cop who exposed himself to an undercover ranger in a remote section of a federal park off the Belt Parkway was not guilty of public lewdness because his naughty bits were obscured by waist-high vegetation.

The defendant in the case, retired Detective Joseph Tesoriere, was arrested last August after he allegedly beckoned an undercover Parks Service ranger into a remote area at Plum Beach — a tiny sliver of Gateway National Park known for horseshoe crabs and gay hookups — and fondled himself.”

While this ruling won’t affect Williamsburg residents directly in the neighborhood — there are no national parks here — it should certainly make you think twice the next time you find yourself surrounded by waist-high vegetation.

Gawker’s Hamilton Nolan has been looking into the hiring practices of American Apparel these last couple days that find, of course, they discriminate worse than your high school’s cheerleading squad. Every new employee prospect is photographed from top down and sent up the chain of command.

Also, from a leaked document sent to Gawker, let’s get to know American Apparel’s “New Standard” of fashion.

The “New Standard” is described in a company document as “Classy-Vintage-Chique-Late 80′s-Early 90′s-Ralph Lauren-Vogue-Nautical-High end brand.” What the hell is that? Well I’ll tell you for shoes it most certainly isn’t Uggs, winter boots, flip-flops, gladiators, converses, vans, keds, moccasins, or fucking Dock Martins. It is vintage shoes, heels, booties, boat shoes, sperry’s, and white Keds, “as long as they’re impeccably clean.” Keep your dirty-ass Keds off of AA’s property!

Anybody work at the AA on North 6th? We’ve heard some shady things over there from years past, would love to update our mental catalogue.

A little over a week ago somebody posted a curious missed encounter on Craigslist, detailing a night making McCarren Park their bedroom. “Who got laid in McCarren Park?,” we asked.

Monique, a 21-year old resident of the neighborhood, writes of that fateful sexxxy Tuesday night with an answer: it was her.

She writes:

Um well, It was totally random but so beautiful. We met just walking down the street, and we just knew something was going to happen. I was pretty intoxicated haha, as was he. But everything happened so naturally. We wanted to lay down for a bit in the park, it was around 4am. We were kissing, touching, and before you know it one thing led to another. We were so locked in passion, that we didn’t realize the sun coming up. Or the joggers. Or bike riders. Or stragglers and lovers like ourselves who were enjoying the remnants of an epic Tuesday night. We parted ways after that, I didn’t want his number, and didn’t give him mine. The night was too perfect and simple to mar with sober akwardness. If we are meant to cross paths again, bless it be. My name is Monique, Im a 21 year old female living in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. A native actually. I write as well, and have a lot more stories than that, although it is my best to date. More sweet, and intense.

Emphasis added. The lesson here of course is that strangers can still, in this day and age, meet randomly on the street at 4am on a Tuesday and just go have sex in a public park.

Earlier this week the New York Post wrote about a new trend among women in the city — celibacy. One, Katie Jean Arnold, was said to have hooked-up with somebody on the L train platform. I wrote, “Sex on L Train Platform Leads to Celibacy Pledge,” and everybody was all like, “Nahhh, not that kind of hook up.” The Post’s usage of the term “hook up” caused mass confusion among millions of people worldwide, as humanity struggled to understand whether or not an act of sexual proportions occurred on the L train itself, or if the hookuppery happened later at a private apartment.

Well, guess what. We reached out to the celibate musician, Katie Jean Arnold, who tells us that yes, indeed, a hook up DID occur right there on the L train. This was more than a simple meeting of the minds.

From the musician’s mouth: “We kiss until the train comes. We kiss from the Lorimer stop until the Jefferson stop. He takes my hand, leads me to his room, plays me a lullaby and then we make sweet love…”

So here, in a breathtaking FREEwilliamsburg exclusive that’s bigger than Gizmodo’s iPhone scoop, let’s get to know Katie and what happened that fateful day on the L train platform, how both Katie and her sister lost their underwear and her future as a sex advice columnist.

For reference: FW is me, Brian, and KJA is Katie Jean Arnold.

FW: So you are the singer/songwriter/comedian from the New York Post celibate story who “hooked up” with someone on the L train platform, yes? Give us the “real story.” What is a “hook up” as in, was it a meeting in old people speak, or did you jolly rancher right there on the concrete?

KJA: I walk to the platform. I see an attractive man sitting all alone with his guitar. We make eye contact and I sit right next to him. He immediately starts kissing my neck…

[CONTINUED AFTER THE JUMP!]

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